160.


Spiritual living


I hurt

I hurt in two ways.

When in this life I see or feel a glimpse of what is beyond, or beneath everything, I yearn for it.

I also feel the pain of becoming separate from what I've been attached to. The feelings, the unique configuration of each closeness intertwining with my being is hard to give up.

I need to go forward yet I need to stay.

162.


Systems, Patterns and Understanding

Temporary helpers

It's not so much about finding the right philosophy, or approach, or discipline.  They all vary and are not complete.  As you live you run across their paths and use them, and they work to some degree, but not entirely.  They can disappoint.

What's needed is patience with all of them.  You almost have to see their shortcomings and realize they're bound to have them.  You have to temper your disappointment with them with patience and acceptance.   They are not forever or written in stone, they are just temporary helpers.

161.




Spiritual living


Ed

My new neighbor and his new wife invited me over to look at a suede foldout couch.  If I wanted it I could have it.  Then Ed gave to me a small blue speckled attractive pottery bowl he had made and signed.  I accepted and told Ed I heard he would be running a campaign for a candidate for the Attorney General for New York State.  Ed said that was true and it was a sixth month gig.

I then said it must feel good to be asked and needed and respected.  Down in Florida there is a leveling influence, just look at the lines at Walmart.  Ed agreed.  It was good to feel significant.  I said growing up in New York it was all about winners and losers, no middle ground there.  Ed added however, that in looking back at his career in politics, although winning was better, both winning and losing lose significance with time.

I then recalled the battles I've  had in the past, some won, some lost.  Now the players in these battles are all offstage.  Even though the conflicts at the time caused much pain, I wasn't ready to have them fade into insignificance.  They were, after all, life.  They formed my present opinions, and I still needed them as fuel for motivation.  But again, as with an old oil painting, they were gradually fading.

Then  Ed said politics and history are determined by those who write it.  Even if you lose you can make it seem as if you've won.

I then said it really is all an 'illusion' after all, isn't it?  Ed and his wife agreed. I thought to myself I wasn't ready to let go of the illusion.  Even though illusions have been hurtful, to just have them fade seems like an anticlimax.  Isn't there some meaning to the struggle and battles we have here?  Isn't there a right and wrong somewhere within these conflicts.  I was threatened by the overall journey of moving beyond them, even though it felt firmer and lighter.  I felt I hadn't fully resolved things, at least enough to let them go.  There were still things to be done. 

Anyhow, to still do what we do with intensity as we gracefully submit to letting go seems to be the dance we need to dance.

159.

Metaphysical/physical


Our dilemma


From confusion we reach towards clarity.  We seek what is true, timeless, and the above.
At the same time the essence of these qualities also is within us, in the here and now.
To live in the world means to move in a certain direction, so we reach.  However, what we are reaching for we already have.  This is our dilemma. 

158.  Past

Spiritual




What is life?

Is life a journey
full and twists and turns
and questions and answers
that hone you and refine you
or
is it enough
just to live and be? 

157.  Past

Observations

Good can come from anyone

Dan was a retired podiatrist in his 80's. We were acquaintances for fourteen years.  He lived a block from me.  He always seemed emotionally cool, clinical and analytical in all his dealings.  As with many older people in Florida, he was self-involved and I did not feel he would be there for me if I needed him.  We even had a brief political debate a long time ago and seemed eons apart in our views.

I fractured my toe at some point and despite seeing two different doctors, receiving x-rays and MRI’s, the foot would not heal for a long time.  The doctors, as often the case, were not clear on their answers and would just not tell me what I needed to know.  One day I ran across Dan and he said to call him if I had any questions.  Normally I would think he was just being polite with little substance.  Still I called.  Surprisingly, Dan told me to stop by and he would look at it.  When I did, he attentively listened to what I had done until that point, listened to my questions, such as whether to wear a foot brace or not, examined the foot and said these things take about 3 months to heal and that I should engage in moderate activity.  All was simple advice I wasn’t getting from the doctors.

In essence, Dan had been surprisingly helpful and caring. So much for pre-judgments.  Here was a man who professed no belief or awareness of a maker existing, but who had goodness spring out of him.  He even offered advice saying “don’t put off what you want to do,” when talking about life.  So, there is decency in people whether they believe in a maker or not.

At another time I had an ingrain toe nail and the doctor’s advice again was cloudy.  It was very annoying.  I went to Dan after taking a chance with minor surgery and another long healing again.  Dan gave to me a time frame which was just what I needed to know.  He did say at the end though “next time I’ll charge you.”   

156.  Past


Spiritual living

(Mom passed away a number of years ago.  This is a look back before she did.)


Mom

What to do?

During a visit to my mom’s I massaged her shoulders, which were tight, and then her feet, where she had a lot of pain that kept her up at night. Multiple health issues plagued her and it was very hard to see her suffer. Her mind remains intact. Questions were raised. Was her prolonged suffering payback for some of her wrongs? Was she being kept alive for a purpose, even the purpose that I was not ready to lose her? I did not need one more loss in my life. I made appeals about this. The answer was beyond my comprehension and my appeal was just another thing to try. What to do? What to do?

155.

Spiritual living

(Both observations stem from 154 Observation 1 and 2 of last week. If able review for context.)

Observation 3

Also that night my thinking had traveled to my lower right molar which years ago had a root canal, and now had a fistula.  The tooth seemed somewhat loose in its socket.  I have been conscious of alternative dentistry for a long time but during a certain period did have some root canals done to my dismay.  Theories had it that since they were dead teeth dangerous bacteria could grow around them, inserting themselves into the surrounding bone and in the organs and sinuses which could explain some  of my situation.  Many dentist oriented in this direction favored removal of all root canals. Others favored more moderately retreatment. In either case it was a lot to think about and possibly a lot of money.  People who had their root canals removed felt relieved, others regretted it. There was no clear and answer and you were on your own.

A few years ago I was pondering my situation and not sure what to do.  Were my sinuses related to my root canals?  Anyhow, feeling overwhelmed I made appeals to the above.  At some point I seemed to hear 'my teeth would be protected as they were.';  Hmmmm.  In a sense this was very relieving even though I often doubted it when my sinuses bothered me.  I also felt I had this word from above that should be upheld.  In a sense it was a test I had for the verity of my relating to him and even for God's existence itself.

Often I was not sure how my dental situation would resolve itself.  As per this fistula, it wasn't really bothering me.  It was slightly loosening within its socket.  I realized this was a natural, gradual resolution to the problem, a subtle moving forward.  It was changing things slowly, as I could absorb them.  In a sense God's word was being kept.  I didn't need to initiate anything. 

Slowly, imperceptibly., there was resolution.  It was not just an all out attack on me by outer forces. There seemed to be a process where I was easing out of certain situations as I was able to  handle them.

That morning I stood up and entered the kitchen, somewhat in a daze.  The night had been full of intrigue and battles.  I was moving slowly as if I had survived an ordeal.  What came upon me though was the appreciation of it all.  The suffering and the mysterious solutions and my being part of it all was nothing less than a miracle.  Here I was in this miracle, as both a player and an observer.



Observation 4

For a time I had been struggling with my drawings.  Observing shapes and values when I drew was no longer working. Where to go from here?  After the previous night written about, later that day I continued a drawing from a cast that I wasn't happy with.  Suddenly it was as if I was returning to an early love. I began to observe the forms from light to dark. Instead of just observing light and dark, I paid attention to the volume and shape of the forms.  I actually enjoyed doing it. It seem to be connected to an early love, an early motivation to do art.  It has been said each person's art is related to a simple spark, such as the turning of form or the capturing of a color value.  I was describing form and using light and dark to do so.

Perhaps this marked a new beginning, a spark of enjoyment which might lead to a renewal  Perhaps this speaks to the night before, where feeling the pain of existence I rejected God only to be reconvinced.  Perhaps this also speaks to the laws of life where a seeming compensation is rewarded after a certain struggle and amount of pain.  Wonderment and appreciation have such humble beginnings.

154.



Principles




Theory of compensation



(Next week there will be two more entries on the same subject stemming from Observation 1.)


Observation 1

In Florida the pollen count for the last 2 months has been around 10 out of 12, all in the red zone. I have felt this with my sinuses and last night was being kept up in some discomfort. Under such a seeming assault, my mind went back to the past. I recalled how I had allergies as a child. Maybe no breast feeding and lack of certain nutrients and nourishment and certain care. I recall also a mouthful of mercury fillings, now disallowed in certain countries and states. That couldn't have been good and had to affect concentration and behavior. One never felt fully comfortable in one's own skin, and either over or under compensated.

But that morning around 5 am or so, as if fitting into a preordained slot with little choice on my part, I watched as my thoughts followed a certain script. I was almost in the audience. First I saw how all my behavior and decisions and actions were tainted by my early health. I recalled a doctor, I think Benson, who after a lifetime of studying alternative therapies, concluded lung and bronchial difficulties were the hardest to cure. I then said why me, this was an injustice from the start. This was unfair.

The words 'there must not be a God' came out of me. Wow. Very strange words for me to say. But these words did come out. It was as if I watched as they did. It was like watching moves in a chess match and I was in the audience. Normally I would say such words required guts and a need for the truth. This was not the case here. It was more like a sequence playing itself out. The implications of these words were enormous. Such a conclusion could change everything.

And then it was as if I heard out of nowhere 'it gave you insights.' I can't say where these words came from, they just appeared, almost as the 'next move.' Somehow, though, a dam of understanding was opened and the water filled up all the crevices of questioning and my link had been reestablished. It was a move forward in my journey to awareness. I had always been conscious of this law of compensation, and here it was playing itself out in the arena of my being.


Observation 2

In the morning after the difficult night due to my sinuses I thought I had not slept. Suddenly, the classical music from the hand radio seemed to start blasting. This was a sign I had slept. Things after all were not so dire. I had not been deserted totally. I was not under attack. Gradualism was at work here. I had slept and achieved some rest and relief. There was some intelligence behind what was happening. Things were not so random or vindictive. There was some care.

153.  Past

Principles

Man/woman


Which?

Which is it?
Do I pursue women,
keeping the embers alive,
or do I gracefully let go,
and prepare
for what’s beyond?