444.


Principles

Aging

One wonders

One wonders about those
who are really old
into their 80's or 90's.

They seem almost dull
without curiosity
without questioning
without wondering.

Is this why they lived so long
or is this what happens
when you live so long
or is there another way?

443.

Spiritual 

Just a creature

A couple of weeks ago an upper tooth, one right before the molars, started to ache.  The filling that filled its interior had cracked. The tooth  had a lot of work done on it.  A dentist who I had been to said it would need a cap because  if another molar was to be removed, this tooth would have more chewing responsibilities.  The ache was not a good sign because it meant the root was being affected.  If so a root canal or extraction were the alternatives.  I am not a fan of root canals.  Trouble is the tooth is slightly visible.  Or, it could be the filling was just cracked letting in anything sweet which caused pain.

My refrigerator then stopped working and my diet went south for a few days.  Plus I had bought a jar of raw organic honey and kept dipping my finger in it.  Both transgressions I'm sure aggravated the vulnerable tooth.  So now it was hurting and I didn't have a good plan as to what to do.  It's like a chess match with your health. One needs time between each move.

Some days before this I had a back molar removed whose root had entered my sinuses.  It was a painful extraction, and later the painkillers caused a severe headache.  The oral surgeon said it was an 8 out of 10 in difficulty.  I had taken some antibiotics to kill an infection but on his advise and in agreement stopped them after four days.  The next day I decided to fast to cleanse all this stuff out.

For a time I felt okay but towards the night  I experienced head pressure that began in earnest.  My body was working so hard to get rid of whatever was in it I began to run a fever.  My sinuses behind the  nasal cavities seemed infected and caused pain.  I was just a hurting creature for 24 hours.

Did I feel a godly presence while going through this?  No.  Did a still small voice whisper to me?  No.  I was just grappling in the mud, a creature in pain and suffering.  The above was far off somewhere, seemingly not involved in my plight.  That's how it all seemed at that particular time.  Spirituality, God, was a far off thing.

442.  Past

Principles

Economics

Money and care

In today's world sometimes it seems as if money is everything.  Life can depend on it.  Money can keep you alive; determine the kind of care you get when sick.  If older and you are without an advocate in a hospital setting, non-caring help can be fatal to you.  You can end up with tubes up your mouth and more.

441.  Past

Principles

Living


Two visions and pain

In this vision of life the thinker takes in all the information, observations, principles, experiments he is able to, and with these principles refines and hones them to achieve and accomplish a final work full of wisdom.  This view is progressive and culminates in a vision of ourselves and our work that is perfected as best we can. This is one way.

In the second way the emphasis is on living fully in the present.  Why?  Because the future is a question mark. 

With the second take on life the scale of balance between good and bad is not equal.  Eventually the bad overwhelms the good.  A title wave of emotional, mental and physical pain sooner or later overwhelms us.  Our former “balance” and “harmony” was an illusion.  What is real is the need for relief.

How do we get relief?  We can seek pleasure, numb the pain through medication, or seek spiritual relief.  The basic point here is that eventually pain becomes an issue and dealing with the pain trumps everything.  All intentions, plans, visions take a back seat, and the immediacy of pain becomes the most basic issue we have to face.

440.  Past

Observations

Wondering why

I recall my classmate Tom
who became so good so fast
at so many things.

He ended up living luscious
in Beverly Hills
while so young.

I recall a painting by Titian
a nude on a couch
brimming with opulence
color, riches, and beauty
all the comforts 
this life can offer.

Some receive bountifully
others observe
and wonder why.

439.

Observations

Chess master   

Sometimes my life resembles a chess master playing numerous games at once.  Each board requires its own strategy, sometimes thinking several moves in advance, sometime one move at a time.  Each area of my life requires the same.  In the park the chess master always wins.  In my life I sometimes win, I sometimes lose, but most often I continue as some games never end.

437.  Past

Spiritual

437.  Past


,A moment of the sublime

On a trip that lasted long time
ideas were tested
until their bare bones were exposed
shown to be weak and brittle.

Experience turned out not to be
the best teacher
becoming another collection
instead of the answer.

Hard work was just that, hard work
yielding no redemption.

People came and went,
friendships formed that didn’t last.

All was repeated until the repetition itself
caused physical suffering
becoming the only trustworthy sign
that this period was coming to an end.

All along  there were these few moments
upon staring at a field,
or catching a certain light in the camper,
or seeing a particular building looking  timeless,
or a rock formation providing solidity,
or the completeness of a person’s movement,
or a face I could look through,
that hinted of the beyond, the intangible, the untouched.

The only surprise was that this also took place
before and after this journey,
the sublime bearing itself
at its appointed time,

436. 

Principles

Death

Cleaning up

I have a feeling, or a theory, that certain peoples' lives end when contradictions in their thinking and actions can no longer coexist.  When my mom was ill, she needed real guidance and real attention for her emotional needs.  My father handled her practical concerns i.e. going to doctors and buying food and such, but had little energy or inclination to really talk to her on any deeper level concerning the root causes of her illnesses.  He was doing the best he could but his depth of inquiry was limited.  Hence,  her survival needs were being met but she was more than a bunch of symptoms.  Her body begged to be treated in a non clinical way and nourished and supported to build her up, not just maintain her.  Mentally she needed to reach some peace too.  Same with her spirit.   Instead, what she received was dry and sterile.  Everybody did the best they can do, but they really didn't dig deep enough.  Doctors' self images and standings within the system were not to be risked.

Now my dad was exhausted and mom needed him to do the chores to keep their lives on track and fulfill mom's medical needs, but there was limited dialogue between them.  She was trapped.  Their was no room for growth, no opening.  There was some compensation for me.  We often spoke on the phone and our talks had weight.  But this was not enough to change the dynamics, the inevitable for her.  The elements to transform herself were not present.   Dad could not provide this. Basic needs were all that could be met. I too bear some responsibility as I was not present and was not there for the day to day work.  So the status quo continued and my mom's eventual passing was the result.  She was caught in a no win situation and sickness and death were the only way out.

Recently I had some issues I couldn't resolve.  They were philosophical in nature with tentacles  reaching into health, money and quality of life.  I felt I had reached the apex of my  understanding and it was beyond my abilities to solve these dilemmas.  I knew from the principle I've discussed this couldn't last forever.  I had given whatever I could to bring unity of thought and practice to my life, but harmony still was not there. As such, although improbable, I too had to prepare for a possible ending. This is not being morbid or negative, but just real and trying to consider all things. I had to bring closure to what I could and clean up loose ends.  I'm reminded of a John Wayne movie where he came to a  town and put down money to cover his funeral expenses, just in case.  Later, he found that he had cancer and he chose to end his life in a gun fight.  I think that's the way it went.  He took care of his passing while fighting some bad guys and inflicting justice.

It was time to begin my preparation.  This meant drawings would have to be organized, writings and books labeled and stored, my past categorized, a home found for everything, and miscellaneous items sifted and dispersed. Files had to be gone through and closets cleaned.  Computer memory had to be reviewed and flash drives used to record choice writings and pics.  Dishes, ceramics, pottery and books needed distribution.  One thing led to another, but this was the price of cleaning up.  Some ragged edges would remain I knew but the substance of my life would hopefully find a home.

Then a few negative signals I received surprised me.  Valuable silverware did not sell on eBay.  Neither did a vintage sewing machine.  Old valuable furniture, glassware, small ceramic sculpture I thought would be of interest weren't.  In Florida the elderly left behind tons of items and they were not as precious as I thought.  The effort seemed barely worth the time.  Cleaning up belongings was not going cleanly.

Then a project I was working on for my mom's memory, a book of her writings on Hollywood stars, was dragging on.  It looked like it was being finished and nearing closure, but there were delays.  The outcome was not fully in my control.  Closure was not easily closing.

On the other hand some auspicious occurrences took place that hinted of a future to come.  Financially my gold and silver started to go upwards  Three teeth that were removed, one a root canal, started to heal and maybe had a positive affect on my sinuses.  An ebb and flow developed with some people I knew. They were calling  me and some pleasant activities ensued.  Just being another part of a group for a few activities relieved some pressure and made me less important to myself.

Most importantly a vision, an idea, a purpose that had become damaged started  to reform itself.  Previously I had faith in a spiritual all encompassing project I was inching towards.  It was to open a door to a new understanding, at least for some.  It contained  hope and truth as I saw it.  However, an outline I had developed led to a dead end.  Something was missing and I couldn't take it to the next step.  Was I trying too hard?  Self doubts followed.  Was I off?  Was I out of place?  Was my thinking wrong?

I then had a seemingly unrelated recollection. I had heard of an American who moved to Israel and was poor there but happy. A study had rated countries according to happiness, and Israel ranked highly, even though many Israelis were poor.  This was surprising.  When hearing this I felt I would be willing to give up all my dreams for some simple happiness, even if it meant being poor.  My thoughts were leading me into quicksand.

Thankfully, thankfully the tides turned. I spoke to an old friend about my direction and my recent doubts. I voiced my original simple intentions and my friend sounded supportive.  The original message rang true for them too.  This was confirmation.  My heart lifted.  Although I had gone through a deep valley of doubts and delays, the purpose came back.  Somehow, mysteriously, my acceptance of the entire situation had broadened.  Somehow I could pursue the direction I had taken and perhaps even some strength had been gained.  My purpose had been restored.  Thank God.  Didn't take much to restore me.  Just a few words from an old friend and a gap was filled.

In summary, cleaning up practicalities on smaller items had not progressed.  Preparation for a worse case scenario was not flowing, hinting maybe my emphasis was off and it wasn't time after all. Secondly, my purpose had been renewed with some new hope and life.  The door to my life had not been closed.  It looked as if I would still be around for a while.

435.  Past

Spiritual

Spiritual Principles

Oneness, identity

My notes were not fully clear, but the following is what I think I meant. The singer Paul Robeson Jr. made an effort to learn about black heritage.  It seems you have to know your identity before you lose it.  My ex-wife attended services at a universal church where “oneness” was taught.  Oneness refers to what is universal and underlies all religions and beliefs.  Later, raised half Protestant and half Catholic, she converted to Judaism.  She felt this was her true identity and heritage.  Again, she became rooted to her spiritual heritage.  In a sense we have to delve into our heritage (adopted or not) before we lose it.

Some of us find a universal truth before we have our past identity.  Still, it seems afterward we still have to connect with our roots and know where we are from.

In either order seeking the truth and realizing where we are from have to both be dealt with.