624.  Past

Relating


Despite disappointment

When you are young, suffering can bring you to God.  You appeal for help when all else fails.  For a time you feel close to God and there seems to be progress and a payoff.  Later in life, when you are not so sure of things, when you thought this closeness to God would yield good results you are disappointed. It is at this point that it is hard to hold onto God.  The suffering has built up, the lines in your face become indented from stress, and it is hard to feel close.  You experience bitterness.  You originally thought that your new alignment with him would yield meaning and fulfillment.  But the good things expected didn’t come.  It is hard to be close to God when you see destruction in your life.

This is just one take on the subject, but an undeniable one.  People think their new relationship with God will save them.  It doesn’t.  The trick is to continue to hold onto belief in a maker even though you have been disappointed.

608. Past

Relating 

Without hands out

When we relate to God, we usually want something.  It is hard not to.  It would be nice to come to God not wanting anything, without our hands out.  This is hard.  Better just to be honest about our neediness and dependency.

406.  Past

Spiritual

Relating to God

Monday with no computer

One Monday morning I found myself with no computer.  It had a virus.  Who knows how it would turn out?  I felt no presence from the above, or nourishment or relief.  I was full of resentment and fear.  Bigger doubts plagued me;  aging, the future, and no back up from family.  And, after all these years, I was disappointed in my inability to overcome them.  I can't even leave society, or pull away from the city.  That doesn't work.  Also didn’t see a way to disentangle myself. I didn’t see a way or a way to get out.  God couldn’t answer me.  The answer would be too coarse.

Finally I brought myself to meditate.  I said I needed God to find way out.  I can't do it.  Don't know how.  Just don't know way out from all these traps and dilemmas.  Am I meant to just sit here and fade in my own traps?

59.  Past

Spiritual

Relating

Has to be very special

If you’ve ever felt a quiet presence, or hear a noiseless voice, or speak
silently to an above, what you’ve experienced is special.  Although many
crazies say they do this, I believe it can be truthful and perhaps in this life,
is as far as one can go.

As life goes on however, these special experiences become difficult. 
The errors of your life accumulate, along with the heartache, along with the
weight and gravity of simply living.  It’s all a lot to stomach.  Even
if you have related to the above, when you observe all these things happen, it
is discouraging.  You most likely thought life would become better because
of this unique relating, but life takes its course, relating to the maker or
not.  Even so, and even if not apparent, in some undefinable way this
silent connection, if coming from the right place, has to be very special.

58.

Spiritual

Relating


'Good morning' not always

The deceased Norman Mailer once referred to ‘the dread’ he had when
waking up.  How true sometimes.  As you age it’s harder to ignore this.
You can try meditation, or medication, positive thinking, exercise,
getting busy with chores, talk shows or news or just push it aside and do
nothing.  All these have a place and work for a time but also can be band
aids.  You might try not running and facing the pain and dread. 
Surprisingly if you don’t run and are able to stay still a light might break
through and lift you up.  This works for a time and is good.  At some
point I wanted communication with the source of this light, the maker, which of
course is my bias.  I required clarification of an issue and some
answer.  We are meant to dig, to try, to seek.

The clarification puts a problem into understandable terms.  It is
where one is at.  The communication with ‘an above’ refocuses one and puts
the issue in a context that one can understand and be comfortable in.  For
instance, in my art my ability to see values is sometimes off and affects all my
drawings.  Faulty lighting and flaws not fully ironed out are possible
causes.  This has always been with me and still is.  One morning
feeling the pain of this and of seeing it clearly outlined I opened myself up to
certain words and heard “Steve, as a child your development artistically was a
potpourri.  To develop evenly and fully in the environment you were in is
asking too much.  The teachers you sporadically had allowed you to do art
but also fragmented you.  This was your art as it was.  It was your
‘mix.’   Accept it. Today, don’t insist too much. The drawings fit
into a larger whole, a larger context. They are not always pretty but they serve
a purpose.  You’re getting closure and personal questions answered, and for
others too.  It is a good thing.”

Just upon hearing this I relaxed.  Each issue springs to the
surface in time and there are answers that get us back on track.  Wishful
thinking perhaps?  One person’s delusions perhaps?  But also perhaps
the real deal.  This is the time to test, explore and find out.  This
is one approach to try.  As said "it's a good thing."

50.

Theology, Religion, Spiritual

Spiritual

Relating to God

Falling asleep with the light on

Last night I was real tired around 9 pm.  The morning had been spent doing chores, a lot of them, the afternoon into early evening spent drawing, and the night was to be spent editing.  Before the latter I made myself a lobster tail with butter, herbs, and lime, along with a nice salad with cut apple on top, drank hot green tea with honey, and had a chocolate treat for desert. Not bad.   I suspected it would make me tired early and sure enough about 3 hours later at 9pm I slowed down disappointed over just getting two pages done.  I laid down in house clothes for a brief nap which expanded to 10:15pm, then 12:15 am,  and finally to 3:15 am.  Lamp shining in my face  I turned and stirred at this magical time.  My mind hopped from thought to thought without full resolution and I was left with an uneasiness and felt irritated.  I sat up, placed my elbows on my legs with my head in my hands and felt the presence of the maker sitting near me as if putting his arm on my shoulders to support and comfort me. Surprisingly, I rejected his comfort and lay down and realized something.  I wanted contentment and completeness to come from this life, not from god.  I blamed him for this lack and so for the time being we're not on speaking terms.