378.  Past

 Principles





Systems, patterns

Two approaches to life

There are two approaches to life, lessons learned or just living.  My 90 year old friend, Mrs. Hatcher, always said life is a school.  Many eastern philosophers, many individual thinkers, see life as a personal journey with lessons learned along the way.  Some see this as ongoing; others see these lessons as reaching towards a pinnacle, a point of revelation.  Western writers and psychologists often see life as different stages to be passed through.  There was a book actually called “Passages.”  Jonathan Livingston Seagull’s bird learns to soar higher, Felix Wolf’s apprenticeship to the sorcerer Don Juan Matus, and Kahlil Gibran’s “The Prophet” delves into various twists on his journey. 

The other approach, that of just living, offers little consolation, accept maybe relief in not having too many expectations.  The popular singer Patti Page sang a song with the words “Is that all there is....”  Implied is that she tried so many things, been up and down, had money and not, had many lovers, been alone, had kids, drank, partied, and well, it all left her somewhat empty, wondering and disappointed.

My friend Ruth, who contracted cancer, said “damn, damn, damn” from Rex Harrison’s “My Fair Lady.”  In this story he was cursing because he had fallen in love with the lady who he had helped and refined.  In Ruth’s case “damn, damn, damn” was a reaction to her fate and what could one say but “damn, damn, damn.”

Shakespeare wrote and I paraphrase “life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”  In other words, nothing is learned, no story told, there is no heroism, no journey, nothing really makes sense.  It is just life and we are left still guessing and wondering.

Maybe there is some courage in this view. It does not rely on tales to ease our fears and insecurities.

Yes, two approaches to life and yet, both are part of life.

377.  Past


Principles


Man/Woman

Why did he cheat?

 When I heard the “cheating” confession of TV talk show host David Letterman, a man who has it all, I wondered what led him to do it.  I think at a certain age a man might lose belief in what he is doing, or starts doubting it, and by grabbing some pleasure that is new, transcends his feeling of being trapped.

376.


Law of contradiction

One way or the other

Well, hurricane Erica fizzled out and it was sunny this morning so I went for a swim.  At first I was one of three people and I was free to swim in any direction I chose, but one lady  had a relative who seemed a little mentally slow and I wasn't sure where he was going so I decided to swim laps the width of the pool.  As it wasn't too early and I got a late start others started to trickle in the pool, probably relieved after being cooped up in anticipation of Erica.  They all slowly swam or walked across the pool so my decision was the right one.

I finished some laps, then did some stretching and lay out to get a little sun before the clouds started to come.  A man who I didn't recognize entered the pool and he began to do the backstroke lengthwise oblivious to all the people walking width wise.  Nobody said anything and I wondered if I was the only one it bothered.  Anyhow, it got cloudier and I got dressed to leave and stopped to speak to Elizabeth, an acquaintance, swimmer, Peruvian, new facebook friend whose daughter just got married far away in Las Vegas. 

After listening a bit I noticed the man was still in the pool going the wrong way and I said to Elizabeth “He's going the wrong way.  Wondering if I should say something.”  Her answer was '”Ah, leave him alone.  Let him be free.”  Hmmmmm.  So I did and left.  Definitely the easier way.  If the man was Mike Tyson I probably wouldn't have said anything either.  But he wasn't.

So here it is.  Rules were there and I sacrificed my own swimming comfort to follow them.  We have a right to diplomatically and carefully correct others who don't, as it is for the general good.  Or, should we, a la libertarian style, let things work themselves out naturally.  Let the forces just build by themselves and actions and reactions would occur just naturally.  People are tired of being programmed and micro managed and listening to authority.  On the other hand the 'anything goes' policy often lets the selfish and forceful and inconsiderate have their way and others quietly become victimized.

So, as with everything, its a moment by moment decision.  Also to be considered is the tolerance of the person who sees what is wrong but is not sure whether to act or not.  A negative interaction can discolor  your entire day.  Oh my.  It's just a simple thing but even simple things aren't always so easy.

375.  Past


Principles

Death and dying

 
The desire to leave

One doesn’t always need a tragedy, crisis, or horrible life experience to want to leave this world.  Sometimes enough small things can add up.  Experiences that are degrading, demeaning, or non-supportive can lead to a horrible existence.  The need for relief can come in many forms, but so can the desire to leave this life.   I’m not saying this should be followed, but it is part of the whole picture and should be given some space and respected. 

374.  Past

Family

Motivation

When you are young, pleasing your parents can provide plenty of motivation to work hard and do well.  Later, this is not enough.  You want to find out what makes “you tick,” what’s inside you, what you really want to do.  Still later, what you want to do “for you yourself” is not even enough. Sometimes it betrays itself.  So to keep active, or to get started, if your parents are still around, or at least around in spirit, you again return to your youth and you do it for them.  Finally, even this falls short and you are forced to find the impetus that goes beyond your parents and beyond yourself.  Both served as crutches to keep you going, but deeper reasons have to come from deeper sources.  For a time however, pleasing parents, or even a memory of them, can keep you going.  Not all motivations are to be totally pure

373.

Religion


Lingering on   

Spoke to my x wife last night who is 1200 miles away and asked her what is a good simple prayer upon getting up in the morning to begin the day.  She recommended the Shema Israel, Adonai eloheinu, Adonai echad. prayer which is so simple but beautiful.  M converted to Judaism a number of years ago, after we were separated, but knows 10 times as much as I do.  During the conversation she mentioned she was part of a discussion group on Long Island, consisting of two yeshiva grads and other intellectual and searching types.  They had good piercing discussions on Judaism and just life in general and she thought I would enjoy it and also shake it up a little.  She went on to say it goes well for a while and then someone says something you disagree with and it becomes really annoying and you don't go for awhile.

I agreed and then added sometimes with groups it as if I'm on a raft and they are in a yacht.  We can share thoughts and I can shout across but at any time the waves can send me under if not a big fish and all that might happen to them is their tea spills.  They have a comfort level I've never felt.  Some were able to learn at their own pace.  For me it has been rocky, crisis driven, and studying could not be done for its own sake, but to make sense of the shocks I was absorbing.  Religion, theology had to work or not in my landscape.  If it didn't I couldn't keep it around for too long.

I then said for whatever reasons our backgrounds seemed severe and severe lives followed.  There is a reason she has a heart condition and is not that old and there is a reason I get sinus migraines monthly.  Head pressure can't be good.  M agreed.  I take care of myself too, get sun, eat well, do whatever I can, more than 95% of the people, but have not been able to turn this around.  Our issues can take us out I added.  Despite our efforts, our bodies reflect forces at work that were there from the start.

I said many others who age have issues.  They have knees replaced or hips.  But they are able to linger on.  With us we have damage that can end things abruptly.  Our bodies took some hits and absorbed them and carry them around.

True, they just.....lingeeeer on, she answered.

372.  Past

Vignettes


Seeing their perspective

I passed by Big City, an upscale bar hangout in South Florida, and heard an unusually loud, noisy band playing some foreign music.  It may have been Israeli.  People were singing along off key, dancing awkwardly, and laughing unattractively.  Later, after reacting negatively to the scene, I was enveloped with a fresh understanding.  They were having a good time, letting off steam in a way they knew how to do.

When young I learned not to judge people.  Then, when that didn’t work, I developed my own code of behavior and judged others who I believed deviated. Still later I returned to holding back judgment.  Life is to be lived, and silliness and klutziness are ok, as long as you don’t fall off of a cliff.  It’s good to experience life in all its aspects without an overall agenda editing you actions.  For a moment I stood in their shoes and saw things from their perspective.

371.  Past

Principles

Family

Things don’t come together

My friend John K.’s sister, well-built and outgoing, partied and did drugs and alcohol in her youth, married, divorced, had boyfriends, then partied, and never seemed to change.  She became ill, recovered and that didn’t change her. She returned to part- time hairdressing. She had a horrible incident at an ATM machine where a thief shot her in the hand and leg fighting for her purse.  She convalesced, recovered and returned to partying and smoking.  John, whose wife had some money, helped her find an apartment and purchase a car during her rough bouts. Then her ex-husband died and left her some money.   John advised her to invest her newly acquired money in gold, and it almost doubled.  Later he told me she hadn’t called him for five months. Their relationship had not gone anywhere and she was still self-absorbed and self-involved.

We talked about his sister and one of us said “things just don’t come together.”  I always thought at least towards the end, the ribbons would be tied and all the loose ends put in their proper places.  This is not how it always works.  Things don’t always come together, even at the end. 

Found out a couple of years later, her son, through time, had gradually “borrowed” the gold until she was left with practically nothing and she had to move and live with a relative.

370.  Past

Principles

Life and living

Dreamers

I heard of a writer who wrote
“ all the dreamers I knew
ended up with distorted lives.”
Oh God, let that not be me.