Parts of me
Parts of me are opening up
and parts of me are drying up.
|For These Times||
Parts of me
Parts of me are opening up
and parts of me are drying up.
From pain to calm
When all is said and done I still think you have to be close to your pain, your dilemma. You shouldn't seek it out but accept it if it's present. That can be your guide, else you're in no man's land. It's a mystery why this seems to be so. If you fly too high or veer too much it can be precarious. It's not the only way to approach life but it is definitely a way.
Then, when the pain is seen for what it is, and numerous pressures and burdens have to be faced, at times overwhelming, one should ease their way through, as if in slow motion. Even during a crisis the movement is almost in slow motion. It's not jerky or as sudden as we think. Things don't hit you all at once. Even if it seems that way there is still space between the edges.
In this way we can ease our way from the pain through the obstacles. Each one doesn't have to be focused on but moved through. We can keep some balance and equilibrium. The edges become smoother and the movement becomes the important thing. We can maintain some calmness if we just see the space between the hardness. We don't try to overcome time and beat it but work around and with it and as said easing forward.
The holiday morning began so scattered for me. Saw a friend the day before, but this day was a home day. Many things to do. An internal conflict erupted in my art. There was sorting of old belongings to do. Health drinks had to be made. Bathroom readiness to be done which has increased with the years. Meditation, writing, listening, and distractions all needed some time. Trying to use a manual air tire pump for my bike didn't work the first time. Time for another try. Is a ride to Publix really warranted for a treat or is that a waste of time? Some emails, maybe call two old friends to keep links alive, and would be good to get some sun as I'm pale. A lot to do.
None of this is inspiring. I'd rather run away. Plus, inner spiritual needs pull from inside, demanding resolution, or at least attention. What to do?
I know once I start to do things one thing leads to another. I can approach it like classes, each activity given some time, and some might even catch my attention. Given a total vision for the day is not there, this makes some sense. I got through many days at school not inspired. Why not do that here? At least some things will get done. But first I'll have my third cup of tea, after I decide what kind.
Should I have done that?
Thinking back on something I did
I wonder if I should have
It wasn't a pure act
but seemed a needed one.
I think of what else
I could have done
but that too falls short.
I have no answer
but know all will be ok
whether right or wrong.
I was speaking to a neighbor's son in his 30''s whose 67 year old dad had fallen a few weeks ago and hit his head which started to hemorrhage. He and his mom are stressed out and after weeks in the hospital his dad was transferred to rehab miles away and during the transfer his blood pressure had risen to 135 and he was unconscious.
I asked the young man if, to relax, would he consider flying some kites. I had a couple I never got to assemble the original owners of my condo left behind. He sounded enthusiastic and the next day I left them on the porch.
Anyhow, that evening we talked some more and somehow, on some subject, I went on to say “Little is authentic today. It's all kind of fake. The only reason to keep on living is because you are already alive.”
The young man seemed impressed with the last sentence and asked if he could include it in a song . I said sure. We talked a little more and then I parted.
A big vision
I think the best way to live is to serve a big vision that comes from within. This of course could take decades. Making money, practicalities all take a certain form and structure and fit in when the vision is in place.
Until this point one might have to fumble along or work towards lesser visions or just survive with no vision at all or a wishy washy one. However, once a real one is realized the wait is seen as worth it.
The other approach to life, handling practicalities, making money, building structures around you, and finally when reaching a certain point adding a vision won't really work. You'll have a life that seems to work, but it will not have a real vision. It will be manufactured.
So live, do what you have to, play out different cards but be aware all the elements won't make sense until there is a big vision and all else indirecty and directly serves it. Moving towards this is the only direction to take. Of course you'll do and try other avenues, but this is what will last.
No control over events
The day was mapped out. Preparation had been set in place. I was to paint and review dental notes.
I started with a detour. I walked down the block to a neighbor who the day before told me how it was to lease a car. He leased two, one for himself and his wife. The question I had this morning was 'did it increase his insurance?' I wanted to get this out of the way before I began my day.
So I dropped by and his wife invited me inside and lovely it was. Old paintings and ships built by John and mahogany furniture and old black and white photos and a northern Vermont look. Quite unusual for Florida. So I looked around and they gladly talked about it all and offered me some ice tea. We talked about John's model ship building, his volunteering for the Israeli army in his late 50's after years before serving in Korea and his back operation after years of lifting and being a solid man. Denise told me of her teaching dance, her volunteering for the social committee, how her first husband was a pig, how she downsized to live here, and how her adopted cat liked me but did not like everyone. We chatted for an hour. Oh, and the answer was yes, insurance did go up for them after they leased. Hmmm.
I came back to the house and rested a bit. Earlier in the morning I had swum a number of laps and felt it. Then I prepared some food and needed vitamins so I spent some time laying them out for the week. Going to the computer I cleaned out my emails and out of curiosity looked up what happened to a lady around my age who had some interesting views about politics and health. She had been an advocate for veterans who had agent orange poisoning. At some point she had contracted cancer and passed away earlier this year. She had tried alternative cures and later some chemo with it but nothing had worked. So she was gone.
Further inquiry revealed she was not the shining light she had portrayed herself as. Her service in the army was questionable and some former employees felt she was a bully. Oh well, oh well. I just take it all in.
While I was at it I googled a lady friend who I occasionally saw but not for a while and wondered how she was doing. Nothing came up accept for the death of her brother, which I knew about. Oh well, what ever happened to Patty?
Still later I straightened out the kitchen and was thinking of going for a first time to a minion service, not far from me, to honor my dad. I filled the bike tires as I would bike it and then thought I'd sit down for a minute and listen to the weather on TV and see what was happening in Hawaii. My ex wife had planned a trip with her current husband to the islands and the timing was not good. Oh well.
I felt a bit slow and canceled the minion trip. Later I reviewed new writings for my websites and that was my day. What happened to simply painting and looking at dental notes? I don't know. Was my determination low? Was I looking for distractions? Maybe. Anything to avoid facing a canvas.
Still, life had its own agenda and current and I was swept away and not able to find my way back. Tomorrow is another day. Often life has a mind of its own.
To wake up
and to play things
and to go
with the flow
or to wake up
and push through
or the other
or a mix
in the middle.
Sometimes its simple
I've lost some weight this past year and am somewhat thin but recenty I've done some excercize and gotten some air and sun The thinness was given an overlay of resiliency and the lines filled out a bit. I could tell from people's reactions my presentation was not unpleasant. All this leads me to say it does not answer one's problems but sometimes just looking a little better can lift your mood and feeling of well being. It can be a starting point. Sometimes it's that simple. There's a lot more to it, but sometimes this can help and do the job.
Following the rules
I had a talk with an acquaintance Linda where we discussed how if you follow all the rules you can get nowhere, and have nothing to show for it. So much for following all the rules.
Steven B. Nussdorf records his lifelong search to find meaning outside of the normal channels. He uses writing, poetry, and drawing to document this effort.
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.