518. 

Spiritual

A good place

In the early morning hours when it was dark and close thoughts took over my mind and each pulled me in a separate direction.    I sat up and placed my fingers on my lap, tips touching tips, left touching right, and shut my eyes.  I pushed or was pushed into a lighted energy and felt the vibrancy of God.  My head was encapsulated in electrical waves and his presence was felt and I knew this was a good place to be.  Tension in my face relaxed and I felt a smile on my lips and I reminded myself once again to remember this special space.

517. 

Family

Parents' Hug

(From some years ago.  Different takes from different years on my dad.  Each decade is different.)
My father will be 90 in July.  My mother turned 87 in April.  I'm no kid.  I live 1200 miles away and don't get to see them that often.  My father is normally reserved but on this visit, before I left, my father asked my mother and I and himself to huddle and hug and it was good and warm and comforting and strengthening.

516. 

Personal

Trip to New York (June 2016)     Part 1 

This last June early in the month I spent a week in New York to get some things done and see my dad.  This writing is not necessarily spiritual, or insightful, but just a record of a trip that I'd like to mark down in writing.   Recording history, even our history, is part of living in time and has a place. 

My dad, the Cohanan, seemed a bit more frail.  I'm not sure if he was exercising as much.  He did go to Senior Stein Center usually twice a week and told me he did 15 minutes of stretching every morning.  He claimed to eat well, but bagels and bread and muffins filled his menu.   He is free to do what he wants but his skin is showing some rashes and as some doctor crudely worded it, 'the skin is puking toxins and garbage.'  His walk to first avenue, about six blocks going and coming was his roadwork.  I think he used to do more but the summer has been hot.

I had worked on the book 'Bunny on the Stars' about my mother's writings  on seven film stars and it was finished and complete and it felt tight.  Dad and I showed it to the director of Stein Center and she was more than willing to have my father do a presentation on it.  As of yet he hasn't followed through.  The heat, plus his skin rashes, plus various doctor visits, have preoccupied him.  Plus, he doesn't always follow through, at least right away.

Earlier in the week I had traveled to the West side to the Lincoln Center.  Previously I had stopped by the Donnell library on 53st near 5th avenue, one of my favorite libraries, and saw that it was closed and had been closed I think for three years.  I could be wrong here.  Anyhow, checked with MOMA across the street and they said the library real estate was bought by a builder who promised to reopen the building in a month.  It's one of my favorite libraries, or was, and would have been nice for them to have had a copy of the book but not this time around.

Anyhow, collected myself afterwards at a Starbucks surrounded by tourists, dance students, and others shielding themselves from the heat.  New York still is a concrete jungle and can get hot.  Eventually did stride to Lincoln Center, walked up the stairs and faced three gigantic buildings.  One, I think the dance building, was funded by Gershon, a movie mogul. A high school classmate at one point was president of his company.  Meandered into the gift shop and the help was helpful, directing me to the Billy Rose Archival library.   Once there, the person who I had contacted on the phone was no longer there, but surprise, the director came out to speak to me.  A young man who had been an English major, he lead me through a winding path to his enclave office and there I presented my case.  Patiently listening to me and my gyrations, he accepted the book into the library and it would be available in two months.  Mission accomplished.  If nothing else, the book had been placed.  For some reason, those of us brought up in New York have a veneration for these monuments of culture, ie the Metropolitan Museum, the Frick Museum, the Museum of Modern Art and to even be a sliver within their whole is a piece of heaven.  At least that was the programming which is part of me.

Afterwards, walked to the Apple store and had my Ipad 2 worked on and revamped.  While there I called up my ex Maggie and she gave me the name for a Jewish prayer book I had previously requested as there were some Judaic bookstores on the west side.  The conversation took an unexpected heavy twist, all part of the surrealistic landscape, but we eased out gracefully and then I called a friend Carole who lived on the West side in the 90's.   She had just suffered a flooding in her WPB condo but insurance had come through for her.  She recommended a couple of Judaic book stores in the neighborhood but time was rushing by, and I decided to follow Maggie's advice and eventually purchased it on Amazon.     (End of Part 1)

The Cohanan turned 98 in July.  One lady at Stein Senior Center looked at me and said he is a 'charmer.'  In the text I wrote it seemed as if he wasn't going to do anything about mom's book, but just spoke to him and he seems to be up on it.   He spoke to the director of Stein Senior Center where he takes his stretching class (the only man with about 25 women.)  He can be stubborn but lately has voiced some pride he said in being my father.  Felt nice to hear that.

515.  Past

Principles

Right and wrong

Stamp on the world

With all I’ve studied and thought about, I would normally think less is more, that being conservative with our actions and reactions is wise, and to say less is better, but this could just be rhetoric.  In life, often it is better to act then not to act, whether right or wrong, to put your stamp on this world.  It asserts that you are still here, alive.

514.  Past

Principles

Systems, patterns and understanding


Shaking it up

At some points in life, one needs to be a little bad to live.  You need a little spice, sexiness, and teasing in life.  Doing so shows you what is out there so you don’t feel trapped.  The natural instincts of life are rekindled Maybe we are even reminded what to fight for.   When suppressed, life becomes mechanical and dry.  Rules and regulations take over and we become a cog in the wheel.   Something has to shake it up to remind us we are alive.

513.  Past

Observations

Jealousy

When I first came to Florida I met a lady in her late 80's whose family had been in Florida for a couple of generations.  We got along. We liked to talk. She saw me as a wandering Jew and I saw her as a local wise eccentric.  We would talk on all topics, particularly the spiritual, metaphysical, and theological.  She was Christian oriented and New Age oriented.  Some science of mind and astrology were thrown in, so she was a bit of an anomaly.  In some ways she was off in her understandings of life and in some ways right on.  There was some nonsense intertwined with some gems, so the listener had to be aware.

One day she said “Never underestimate the power of jealousy.” At the time I thought we're all adults, we both know it's wrong to be jealous, both spiritually and psychologically astute, so what's the big deal.  Later, after she passed on, I learned its power, both from others and within myself.  Jealousy is a powerful emotion.

   

512.  

Spiritual


Into the arms  

After all your mental gyrations
after all the conflicts in your head
after all your silent conversations
after all the sides you've considered
after all the reasoning you reviewed
after all the questions left unanswered
after all the answers leading to questions
after all this and  more of this
throw yourself into the arms of God.

511.  Past

Spiritual

Comforting my friend

510  Past

Spiritual

Comforting my friend     (text)

In a moment of need I cried out for a friend, a companion, an equal, who would be there for me. No one ever met this need.  At this point I could not go through life alone.  To my surprise, I felt an unseen presence that was close and supportive.  It was not from this realm, nor was it amorphous, but had intelligence.  It felt like a friend.  There was understanding, but beneath this understanding I sensed sorrow.  Why sorrow?  At first I was puzzled but then it became clear.

When existing in a timeless zone one does not know what it is to live within time, to experience its passing, to realize there is an end, to live with doubt.  The closest to knowing this is through us and as a friend.  Hence this presence felt like a friend and as a friend could get close and almost touch  the experience.  But as with  everything in life and time, there is a price. This closeness allows for understanding us in an intimate way, be there with us, yet there is no vulnerability to what we are vulnerable to.  As such, seeing us suffer causes suffering.  Our laughs can be shared, our crying can be shared, but our termination here and our doubts can’t.  And this causes pain, unspeakable pain.  To watch someone you care for suffer and not to be able to do anything about it is not a good place to be.

So, having experienced my portion of pain and suffering in this life, I offered  comfort to this presence, this friend, who sees what I go through and who hurts from what is seen.  But it enlarges me too, that is to comfort my new friend who hurts when seeing me hurt, and to say it’s ok, I’m ok, and that it will all be ok.

509.  Past

Principles

Living

Better to have existed

A key principle to keep in mind is that existence is better than non-existence.  This underpins all of life.  No matter how rotten, or cruel, or aggravating or disappointing life is, it is better to have been than not.  Even a bad life is better than no life.  To be is better than not to have been.  This helped me put my goals and wants and difficulties in perspective.

Also doing right pales in importance to just being. Often we have no choice and are set up to do what we do.  Doing the right thing can be a luxury.  Being alive is more important.  Without it, there is nothing.  We should be thankful we do exist.