138.  Past

Leading

(In this section different reasons are discussed that might lead one to consider there is a maker, a God.  At one point 11 reasons are given, Entropy being the 3rd.  Entropy can turn our modern thinking upside down. It's very 'emptiness' can force a person to realize there must be more.  It is one of the two or three physical concepts that have notched my understanding.)




Entropy        


3)  The law of Entropy had an influence on my life. I read about it over 30 years ago.  It is the second Law of Thermodynamics.  It was never taught in science classes.  We were all taught about the first law that teaches matter can turn into energy and energy into matter.  Entropy claims that with every such change heat is lost, and this loss is permanent.  This counters what I had been taught, that the universe can be replenished, that it is a place where there is no loss, just change.  We’ve all heard that change is good.  We just haven’t heard that change has a price.

This goes along with my experience in life.  In life there is loss.  We all die, forests aren’t replaceable, relationships don’t always restore themselves, moments can’t be preserved, teeth don’t come back and time is unforgiving.  On a larger scale, if entropy is valid, the universe is also dying.  It is not in a steady state but a diminishing one.  Instead of evolving and reaching a state of perfection, the universe is becoming less.  In human history are we moving towards a great society or are we going in the other direction?  Hard to say.  Most new age religions espouse that we are emerging into a better age, that we are both individually and collectively evolving towards a better time.  Some refer to this new age as the Age of Aquarius. 

Entropy implies that we are devolving.  We are moving further from an original source.  This coincides with some old traditions where man fell from a 'paradise,' that he was whole and is now less and that some restoration is needed.  It is hard to resist taking another look at these ancient stories.

In a sense man has thought that he can become Godlike, whether through technological evolution or through spiritual evolution.  This law claims the opposite, that somehow we have devolved farther from God.

In essence Entropy can lead to an appreciation of an above because if we are in a dying universe, the above is our only hope.  This is humbling.  We have to find the way back, not forward.  Previously, we thought we could make a better world, either by rolling up our sleeves in a material sense or spiritually evolving into transcendent beings.  This law forces humility upon us in that we can’t solve our own predicament.  Time does run out.

For now I have accepted entropy as a given.  I have not fully ruled out other forces at work which might regenerate the universe.  However, entropy certainly describes much of the mechanics of this physical existence.

137.  Past




Theology

Aging


Aging encompasses more than just the body slowing down.  One has to live with unfathomable losses.  Previously in life you thought you were immune to many things, but with age you find you're not.  Your dreams aren't fulfilled. You have emotional, physical, economic setbacks.  People disappoint, principles contradict themselves, history repeats itself ad nausea. There is pain in yourself and others around you and, finally death.  It is a lot, more than one realized, beyond one's scope.  When you were younger you could not comprehend the weight would be so heavy

Still you have to stay alive and aware. You have to follow the light. Indeed, it's more important than ever, because again there is a lot of weight to bear.

136.  Past

Principles

Living

Weakness  

I have found through the years
my survival is best served
when I don’t run
but stay close
to my weakness within.

135.  Past




Principle

Purity

Purity not practical   


Purity can be a detriment.  This is not to say purity is without value.  There might be a reward for being pure, but it might not show itself until long after.  The effort also is often appreciated.  Practically though in the here and now, purity doesn’t seem to work.

134.  Past

Spiritual




Spiritual living




Solo act through time

At a certain point in life you can’t count on God to comfort you. Passing through time can be a solo act. God can be a buddy of sorts, but he can’t do it for you. Purity won’t save you from this. You are the one going through this. You have to act “as if” you are in charge, that is, make your own judgments, and satisfy your own needs.

133. Past




My Family




Mom




The mantle


Sometimes moms put a mantle on a son.  When I was 14 my mom threw at me “is there a God?”  I don’t remember what I answered.  Later, I'm not sure how much later, an hour, a day, a week or a month, I gave her a different answer.  She then looked exasperated and upset.

“But first you told me something different,” were her words.  This, along with some other signals, made a questioner out of me, a seeker, and one who had to figure out if there was a God or not.  In a way, a design was laid out for me, good or bad, and I had to solve it.  I was given the mantle.  For the sake of my mom, and for my sake, I had to find the answer.

One can always say I am reading into this, giving it more importance than is due.  Maybe I'm just fishing for self-justification.  Then again, maybe it was this mantle that set my course, even unbeknown to me.  Yes, it most probably was.  These early questions and impressions code us in mysterious ways.

131.  Past

Vignettes




You’re going to die anyway     

Al, a man around forty who I had worked with was rehired at his old position as a parks ranger.  He was to make decent money working for the county, was going to have school paid for, and the job basically allowed him to do what he wanted most of the time.  His step daughter just had a child out of wedlock and was moving in with him and was going to collect food stamps.  His wife had become sick and might receive disability.

Previously we had talked about how the spirit of independence was dying and how people who had come to this country played the system, and how in some places this was almost encouraged.  Now my friend, after having had many low paying jobs, said he also had to play the system.  It was his way to get ahead, even if it meant selling out a bit.

Somewhere later in the discussion I repeated what I had heard years before, “You’re going to die anyhow.”  Implied is there is a price for always playing it safe, or for taking the easy way, or just by living cowardly.  It is worth being conscious of.

130.




Principles


Systems, patterns and understanding





Projects and projections


Somehow the word projects takes the pressure off of what I'm doing. It puts activities in a definable box. Right now I'm finishing up a project, a long term project. Two lesser projects follow.

Looking into the future I am of two minds. The first pushes me forward almost as far as I can go. Talents, energy, discipline are thrust outward into an unknown and claim territory as they expand. They become defined when their power decreases, either from external forces or internal weakening. In this state of mind, one never knows the end until the end. Where you end up is a mystery that unfolds. It's an adventure with no rest.

The second way seeks a definition, a role for what I'm doing, a category, supported by a routine held in place by parameters. Once they are defined and various requirements fulfilled, the question marks are answered. A deep breath can be taken. I can lay down the torch and see what comes my way. The advantage here is that there is resolution followed by relaxation. The disadvantage is that the breath and depth of where I can go is limited. I am saving part of myself and hence the potential is restricted.

I'll wait, I'll see, I'll be still, I'll make appeals above, I'll do my chores and handle the present and try to have the courage to not rush to know.

132.  Past


Culmination


Before hope


Technology

culture

life

receding 

towards 

the same

vanishing point

merging

diminished

indistinguishable.





Cold

vast

desolate

before 

hope. 

129.  Past




Principles




Man/Woman




God and female genitalia


The poet/singer Leonard Cohen has a line in a song where “God and female genitalia” are used in the same breath. He alludes to both being a primary force in his consciousness.

The whole world is sexual in one way or another. The physical drive pulls upon men as does their search for spiritual meaning and an above. It is a dichotomy, a seeming contradiction in our design, but both are wired in. As you age and everything is stripped away, it does boil down to these two needs.