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'Being' doesn't always work

6/28/2016

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495.

Principles

Life and living

'Being' doesn't always work

Just being hasn't fully worked.  I end up being drawn into people, chores, habits and the winds of chance.  Lower activities draw me in.  Too much time ends up spent on too little substance.  Even nature and its dance can't keep me safe.  Waiting for truth to emerge from this arbitrary potpourri  is beyond my faith.  With no plan I'm subject to others' plans.  Yes, there is value in just being and seeing what happens, but what if this leads to ambiguity?

Definition is needed.  The vision that I thought was too big and too grandiose has returned.  It could be the only door that is open.  It's about a new concept, almost a new religion.  It's as if I hear it from above,  What we need now I'll write about.  There is a place for painting here, for quick sketches with color that help illustrate key points, all housed in some special setting.  It is a statement of conviction standing up to all that wants to water me down and make life meaningless.  It allows for me to use whatever tools I have at whatever level they are at.

Just 'being' has faded away.  A moderate middle ground has not appeared.  I prepare myself and my environment to achieve this two part plan that has emerged once again.  It is a way of marking time with purpose and structure in a 'good' direction. I'll move forward into this.

I hope I am not wrong. I hope this is meant to be.  I hope it is blessed.
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Pressure

6/28/2016

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494.


Personal

Pressure

Pressure existed from the start
so I can't develop slowly
nor take my time.

Do I make pressure moves til' the end
or take the time
to take the time?

Diving forward can miss the mark
but so is the illusion
there is a choice.





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The incident

6/28/2016

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493.  Past

My family

The incident

I lit a yorsite candle (candle lit for the dead) for my father's mother.  I was thinking of her good qualities.  She worked hard as a single mother but was always there for him.  She gave to him, nourished him. He was her Milty.  She sacrificed for him and he was a good boy.

Later, veering from studying to be a rabbi, my dad taught Latin and almost got a PHD in clinical psychology.  He married my mom, a Hunter College student, and continued to break away from his mom's wishes.  This caused tension with his mom, and tension with my mom, and tension between both of them.

Still later, after many fights about his mother between my mom and dad, grandma brought a bunch of belongings (perhaps his) and placed them in front of our apartment door.  My parents were having numerous other difficulties, money, stress, direction, my sister and age, while watching their friends get ahead.  My dad would be angry with his mom but he also had guilt about her.  He had trouble standing up to her.  She was a strong, proud woman and would not give an inch.  Gail (my sister) and I were not her favorites, for our mother was too modern and worldly.  I was not the happiest kid.

I was 15 when my mom and I traveled to my grandma’s apartment after the recent clothing drop off incident and we rang her doorbell and went in.  I then angrily and aggressively told her to leave us alone, to mind her own business. I really got in her face.  I forget the particulars, but I got ugly and she said "are you crazy." I had to do something as I saw her as breaking up my parents and causing them to fight.  All I wanted was peace and quiet.

Periodically I would take stands like this.  In my young mind I was helping save the family.  The funny thing is, after I acted on their behalf, my parents would come together, forgetting what happened and think nothing of ganging up upon me. I felt used.

So, after lighting this yorsite candle I thought of my grandmother, how she tried, and worked hard to raise my dad and how she had to hustle to bring in money. She had boarders she took care of and she knew a lot about folk remedies before it was fashionable.  My father said she had a horrible death.

I remembered after all this time what I had done and was not proud.  What I did stained my insides.  It would have been better if I didn't.  I felt sad about my cruelty, sad about my anger and what it all represented.  All these conflicts are such a waste and diversion from what really counts.  Finally, I felt sad I could not show my grandma patience and understanding at the time, although at the time, I was under so much duress.  The incident might not have been avoidable, but it was still a shame to have done it. Again and again, time makes certain things very clear.

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A false bravura

6/28/2016

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492.  Past

Principles

Death and dying


A false bravura

Young people often have a bravura about giving up their life.  In one of Bruce Lee's movies he is forced to fight Kareen Abjur Jabaar (the 7'2" basketball player) who says to him "I am not afraid to die," and later he did die. Idealism, the warrior code, principles worth dying for, sacrifice, do or die, are all codes of behavior that can lead to death.  As these paradigms crack and crinkle, eventually one is left with just life and living without a rigid code of behavior.  One realizes it's not about the "isms."  One realizes how precious life is.  One sees it more and is more willing to fight to stay alive.  Life becomes a valuable entity that has to be preserved.
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Play is good

6/28/2016

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491.  Past

Principles

Play

Play is good

Older people tend to play out their old agendas and often they no longer work.  The only answer is to discover what is really within themselves rather than accept who they think they are.  One way to discover this is through play and childlike behavior.  The same old agenda will just deepen the rut.

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The end and moving forward

6/28/2016

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490.  Past

Principles

Age


The end and moving forward

At age 60 you begin to think of planning for your end, even though, today, for some of us you still have to produce and move forward.  It's a duality of sorts.

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Dull time

6/28/2016

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489.  Past

Principles

living

Dull time

Being older I find there are chunks of time when I can't sleep but also can't work. I'm somewhere in limbo.  My environment is not normal I suppose in that there is no family close and friends hanging around are an occasional thing.  So in this state I've sometimes watched TV and felt myself becoming dumbed down.  Even reading and household chores require an effort that I don’t always have the energy for.  So I find myself vulnerable during this dull time.

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The tribe

6/15/2016

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488.

Principles

Living and life

The tribe

I heard a known writer on some book talk TV program discuss the 'tribe' and how it relates to life today. He blamed modern unhappiness on affluence. I'm not sure I agree with that conclusion but I concur with other observations. He reported back in the settler days some people would willingly assimilate with the Indian tribes. The reverse was never true. Subsistence living brought a closeness and bond between people that 'civilized' society lacked.

He told of ex soldiers longingly refer to their service as their best days. Intergrating later in society often brought depression, sometimes suicide. In a sense the battle groups, around 40 men, were a tribe of sorts. Even if they did not like each other, they would risk their lives for one another.

In another example a woman who contracted cancer had the support of family, doctors, friends, counselors, all forming a cohesive unit around her. Finally, after many trials, she recovered. It was then that depression set in. She was well and now had to fit into society and play her part and she was overwhelmed.

The author made the point that people need to be needed, feel important and wanted no matter what part they played. True. Often today we feel as if we are very expendable and very replaceable.

After his talk, a man in the audience, an ex Marine and now sometimes contractor, said life today was about working to strive to become part of the 1%. In a sense that is true. Human contact, all of everything becomes subservient to this pressure.

I thought this was interesting and describes the lack many of us feel in our relationships and contacts. The writer's solutions were vague, tied in with America and uniting behind doing what is good for the country. I surmise his suggestion is to have little tribes serving this one big tribe. Another suggestion was obligatory service to the country in non combat ways paralleling defensive service.

I find the observations interesting but the solutions nebulous. That is par for the course in most commentaries I hear. That's why I write and search and probe. I think the real reason for this alienation is deeper and spiritual as are the solutions. We feel the pain of our predicament which is real, but the answers are way beneath the economic, political, and social designs we can construct. A whole new way of being has to emerge, and that at present is a murky path to navigate through.



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Is someone there?

6/15/2016

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487.

Principles

Friends and acquaintances

Is someone there?

At the high school reunion
weariness lowered defenses
and hurts lie beneath the smiles
while a quiet plea could be heard
'are you there for me?'

My neighbor left his mate
and he was renting
and his two sons never call
and his eyes seemed to ask
'are you there for me?'

I answered with silence
not wanting to disappoint
and seeing my own hardness
I cried to the above
'are you really there for me?'
 

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Not able to face the day

6/15/2016

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486. Past

Not able to face the day
Picture
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    Steven B. Nussdorf records his lifelong search to find meaning outside of the normal channels.  He  uses writing, poetry, and drawing to document this effort.

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