495.

Principles

Life and living

'Being' doesn't always work

Just being hasn't fully worked.  I end up being drawn into people, chores, habits and the winds of chance.  Lower activities draw me in.  Too much time ends up spent on too little substance.  Even nature and its dance can't keep me safe.  Waiting for truth to emerge from this arbitrary potpourri  is beyond my faith.  With no plan I'm subject to others' plans.  Yes, there is value in just being and seeing what happens, but what if this leads to ambiguity?

Definition is needed.  The vision that I thought was too big and too grandiose has returned.  It could be the only door that is open.  It's about a new concept, almost a new religion.  It's as if I hear it from above,  What we need now I'll write about.  There is a place for painting here, for quick sketches with color that help illustrate key points, all housed in some special setting.  It is a statement of conviction standing up to all that wants to water me down and make life meaningless.  It allows for me to use whatever tools I have at whatever level they are at.

Just 'being' has faded away.  A moderate middle ground has not appeared.  I prepare myself and my environment to achieve this two part plan that has emerged once again.  It is a way of marking time with purpose and structure in a 'good' direction. I'll move forward into this.

I hope I am not wrong. I hope this is meant to be.  I hope it is blessed.

493.  Past

My family

The incident

I lit a yorsite candle (candle lit for the dead) for my father's mother.  I was thinking of her good qualities.  She worked hard as a single mother but was always there for him.  She gave to him, nourished him. He was her Milty.  She sacrificed for him and he was a good boy.

Later, veering from studying to be a rabbi, my dad taught Latin and almost got a PHD in clinical psychology.  He married my mom, a Hunter College student, and continued to break away from his mom's wishes.  This caused tension with his mom, and tension with my mom, and tension between both of them.

Still later, after many fights about his mother between my mom and dad, grandma brought a bunch of belongings (perhaps his) and placed them in front of our apartment door.  My parents were having numerous other difficulties, money, stress, direction, my sister and age, while watching their friends get ahead.  My dad would be angry with his mom but he also had guilt about her.  He had trouble standing up to her.  She was a strong, proud woman and would not give an inch.  Gail (my sister) and I were not her favorites, for our mother was too modern and worldly.  I was not the happiest kid.

I was 15 when my mom and I traveled to my grandma’s apartment after the recent clothing drop off incident and we rang her doorbell and went in.  I then angrily and aggressively told her to leave us alone, to mind her own business. I really got in her face.  I forget the particulars, but I got ugly and she said "are you crazy." I had to do something as I saw her as breaking up my parents and causing them to fight.  All I wanted was peace and quiet.

Periodically I would take stands like this.  In my young mind I was helping save the family.  The funny thing is, after I acted on their behalf, my parents would come together, forgetting what happened and think nothing of ganging up upon me. I felt used.

So, after lighting this yorsite candle I thought of my grandmother, how she tried, and worked hard to raise my dad and how she had to hustle to bring in money. She had boarders she took care of and she knew a lot about folk remedies before it was fashionable.  My father said she had a horrible death.

I remembered after all this time what I had done and was not proud.  What I did stained my insides.  It would have been better if I didn't.  I felt sad about my cruelty, sad about my anger and what it all represented.  All these conflicts are such a waste and diversion from what really counts.  Finally, I felt sad I could not show my grandma patience and understanding at the time, although at the time, I was under so much duress.  The incident might not have been avoidable, but it was still a shame to have done it. Again and again, time makes certain things very clear.

492.  Past

Principles

Death and dying


A false bravura

Young people often have a bravura about giving up their life.  In one of Bruce Lee's movies he is forced to fight Kareen Abjur Jabaar (the 7'2" basketball player) who says to him "I am not afraid to die," and later he did die. Idealism, the warrior code, principles worth dying for, sacrifice, do or die, are all codes of behavior that can lead to death.  As these paradigms crack and crinkle, eventually one is left with just life and living without a rigid code of behavior.  One realizes it's not about the "isms."  One realizes how precious life is.  One sees it more and is more willing to fight to stay alive.  Life becomes a valuable entity that has to be preserved.

491.  Past

Principles

Play

Play is good

Older people tend to play out their old agendas and often they no longer work.  The only answer is to discover what is really within themselves rather than accept who they think they are.  One way to discover this is through play and childlike behavior.  The same old agenda will just deepen the rut.

490.  Past

Principles

Age


The end and moving forward

At age 60 you begin to think of planning for your end, even though, today, for some of us you still have to produce and move forward.  It's a duality of sorts.

489.  Past

Principles

living

Dull time

Being older I find there are chunks of time when I can't sleep but also can't work. I'm somewhere in limbo.  My environment is not normal I suppose in that there is no family close and friends hanging around are an occasional thing.  So in this state I've sometimes watched TV and felt myself becoming dumbed down.  Even reading and household chores require an effort that I don’t always have the energy for.  So I find myself vulnerable during this dull time.

487.

Principles

Friends and acquaintances

Is someone there?

At the high school reunion
weariness lowered defenses
and hurts lie beneath the smiles
while a quiet plea could be heard
'are you there for me?'

My neighbor left his mate
and he was renting
and his two sons never call
and his eyes seemed to ask
'are you there for me?'

I answered with silence
not wanting to disappoint
and seeing my own hardness
I cried to the above
'are you really there for me?'
 

486. Past

Not able to face the day