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Musings on Birthdays and Hurricanes

9/4/2019

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717.  


Observations

Musings on Birthdays and Hurricanes

(Was going to mail webs yesterday but might have lost power so waited and wrote it day after storm and getting it out there.)

I've written about this before but am revisiting the subject.

My birthday is around this time and its always been a heavy time of year.  School used to begin on the same day so right away there were mixed messages.  Around this time things get serious, summer is over, nights get shorter, and the grind begins.  Truthfully, it feels like the beginning of the year.  Recently, 9/11 occurred during this month and, oh, its also peak hurricane season.  

Today is the first day after Dorian, a hurricane that delivered 185 mph winds 100 miles from where I live.  It was catch your breath the whole way.  One minute it would head up north, the next it might hit us directly.  I prepared for two days and was late to the game because I thought it wold disperse and was handling other deadlines.  Fortunately wind bands with 50 mph gusts were the worse I experienced.  However, one did not know until the very end if it might turn and come onto shore. It was a deadly game of chance, like Russian Roulette.  You sensed it wouldn't hit the land but who really knew?  One could not actually believe what was out there.  If a bully picked on you, you often remained in a state of denial.  This didn't really happen to me you said to yourself.  Same with this.  You can't believe its really happening. 


I received some calls from friends, many single down in Florida, inquiring how I was and telling me how they were fairing. Other people have left the area. I have my art and belongings here and won't. If a window breaks and your place floods its all gone. My nextdoor neighbor was to have a birthday party for me, inviting just people in our building and across the street, but her kids bought tickets for her to go to California. One feels kind of deserted when this happens. If single and living alone you face your fate just by yourself in your own box. This truth is hammered home during this time. Hence the calls, which have value but still are not the real thing. If family and friends aren't there physically with you, its really just you. Talk ends up just talk, having a place but not physical and supportive help.
​

Some people were cavalier, saying it won't come on shore, it's done or gone.  I definitely felt their arrogance or cockiness was not respectful to the forces that be. God could not be pleased with such smugness.  One is humbled by the potential of such force.  The good thing is that some  remaining people do tend to be nicer.  A common threat soothes the nerves and puts all your problems on the back burner.  You are all frail humans facing possible devastation.

Speaking of the above, I received a call from a friend talking about the month of Elul in Judaism which is around this time.  It is the most profound and thoughtful time of year leading to the holidays in the next Jewish month.  The general tone is to realize how one has strayed and behaved badly at times and to be sorry for this and try to improve and do better in the future  (not always easy to translate into modern times.  Life is complex and good and bad are muddled. Should one show soft love, tough love?  How about a million aggravations and catch 22's.  How does one live this?  Still, one has to sift through it all).  My friend described shooting an arrow at a target.  It might miss but its an attempt to better yourself, who you are, even if you miss the mark.  My friend followed this by saying 'if God sees this sincerity and good intentions in you, he will write you in the Book of Life, and you will live another year.'  Basic but speaks to the heart, at least to me.

The Book of Jonah and Psalm 27 allude to this in their own ways and are read during this time.  Indeed, Jonah was swallowed by a whale in the depths of the ocean and brought back to life to appreciate what is good and the grace available and gave up his resentment and hate. (Aren't we always having silent verbal arguments with others in our heads?  He was angry the sinful city was not destroyed and that God withheld punishment.)  David in the psalm remained confident in the  maker and put his faith there even when surrounded by those who would kill and mutilate him.  Facing a hurricane with 185mph winds possibly coming right at you and then turning at the very last day was a Jonah like experience.  There could have been destruction and it could have been the end but after the scare mercy was shown.  Indeed, after this possible plunge came the realization my birthday was coming up and I did live another year.  That means something even though it looks back.  With some humility hopefully I'll get to live another year.

So yes, this is a  heavy tim
e of year.
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Somewhere

10/31/2018

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670.

Observations


Somewhere

It feels as if
I am inching along
multiples of pulls
contradictions in my being
hoping for answers
somewhere over the hill.

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Who would have thought...

10/8/2018

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667.

Observations

Who would have thought....    

Who would have thought
the 'whys' of life
end in a standstill?

Who would have thought
the 'questions' of life
lead  to silence?

Who would have thought
that 'understanding' this life
ends in a blank stare?

Who would have thought
one becomes empty
as if just born.
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Finally have the time

10/7/2018

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664.  Past

Observations

Finally have the time 

Even though things were okay, I felt lost.  I was not sure how to use my energies or what direction to take.  Finally I had the time to do something, and I didn’t know what to do.
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Checklist

8/28/2018

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659. 

Observations

659.

Observations

Checklist

My car was and is giving me troubles and neighbors would pass by and lend their opinions.  One neighbor, Saul, had some knowledge and played with the plugs and choke but still couldn't solve the problem.  We became friendly and turns our he was having some trouble with his wife who was becoming resentful and mean, but who also had some  serious health issues.  She also brought her brother into the fold who was hostile to Saul.  Anyhow, I advised to take the high road, do what you have to as a husband, fulfill your duties, and just keep your own world going.  Otherwise the battle in your head  (rehashing conversations etc.) will eat you up.

He liked that and gave me some quality time on my car., although solutions were not forthcoming.  Anyhow, Saul promised a lot of people his time so he moved on but during one of our discussions he proudly proclaimed he kept a checklist and enjoyed so much checking things off. 

Then, I think Maria, another neighbor, because of her malady asked me to go with her to the supermarket.  Being that my car was giving me trouble, it was a chore that could benefit both.  During the drive she proudly proclaimed she kept a checklist of things to do.  Hmmmm.  Why am I hearing this over and over.  She forgets a lot, is not that sharp these days, so I guess a checklist is really helpful.  She just  has to remember where it is.

I have a date book that gives a little room for a checklist.  I bought it at a Hallmark store, thinking it would be special, but it cost more and had less space than the CVS variety. My lists extend to the margins.  I find it does help to map out what has to be done.  It's almost a survival tool.  Things become less scary when they are just a number on a list.  Plus you have to break down an entire issue to doable parts.  So step one, call so and so, becomes just a call, not a whole campaign.  It does provide some order to all the chaos.  Plus it's democratic.  Both brushing your teeth and paying your taxes get a number, no more nor less.

Of course the day takes on its own form and has to be organic.  One thing leads to another and you sometimes have to go with it.  The list, if you are very involved in a project, can seem superficial, a fearful attempt to control what is unknown.  Often you have to be on a roll with one activity, and it can engulf you until you come out the other end, or just end up exhausted from effort.   Still, I find some comfort in knowing, when all else fails, or even it things are just okay, I have my list to fall back on.

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June 29th, 2018

6/29/2018

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645.  Past

Observations

Just continuing



All people are grabbing this and that: cars, land, houses, and stocks. At least it's better than killing one another. It's better than war. As for me, I am too tired for this. So I just continue.



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Things just continue

6/16/2018

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643.  Past

Observations

Things just continue


One waits for culmination, some resolution, but things just continue.

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May 29th, 2018

5/29/2018

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638.  Past

Observations

Not fully understood


Often we think of life as a continuous flow, one thing leading to another, one mistake leading to a solution.  Mistakes are made, lessons are learned.

But in looking back the path isn't so clear.  Life seems to be a bunch of memories, each not necessarily with a distinct meaning.  I had a flash of winning the National Society of Art painting competition.  Another memory brought back the setting where I was married.  Still another image appeared when I collected unemployment.  Different memories periodically appear before my mind.  They come without judgment, without an easily understood reason.
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Loss in life

1/24/2018

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635.  Past

Observations

Loss in life
There is real loss in life. Life doesn't regenerate itself. You can be revived, but there still is loss in life.


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Slant

1/10/2018

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631.  Past
'
Observations

Slant 

There is the universe, which I exist in.  The universe has its truth, and I (not being   complete) have my slant on this truth.  Sometimes my take is close to the truth, sometimes it is not so close and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.
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    Steven B. Nussdorf records his lifelong search to find meaning outside of the normal channels.  He  uses writing, poetry, and drawing to document this effort.

    Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.

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