552.  Past

Principles
Friendship

A confrontation with questions

A local man in his 40's, not working and living in his parents’ condo, needed work and I had him paint my apartment, clean the rugs and clean a number of other things.  He knows how to work and get things done.  Later, he obtained some work as a dog groomer and was not as reliable.  We got along, both being younger in a senior Florida community.  He had in his youth been in a drug rehab program, divorced and was now broke.  At times I lent him money and he worked it off.  He wasn't detailed oriented in his housework. Later he didn't always call, or he called when he needed money. So we gradually trailed off.  I'd have him clean the bathroom and kitchen every other week.

I trusted him. One day I left my wallet out front.  One time I was missing a couple of hundred dollars and assumed it was my fault.  Another time the same thing happened.  The third time I questioned if it could be Sam?  If not, who?  The landscapers?  I doubt it.  They liked me. Who then?  Did I repeatedly misplace it?  I almost became paranoid.  $500 was gone.  Could I be that careless?  I wrestled with asking Sam, thought it would betray our relationship, ran it by a couple of people who thought I should, and I eventually did.  I worded it in a way that would just eliminate him as a suspect, that I was sorry to doubt him, but I needed him to confirm my doubts were wrong.  He got insulted. Later, he said he couldn't sleep, became depressed and went downhill.  Six weeks later he must have been deeply troubled over it, for he confronted me at the pool in front of people.  He implied I was paranoid and suspicious and called me “misguided” and not trustworthy.  So he was on the attack in front of neighbors.  I couldn't let him get away with this so I said you act like this after I gave you work and lent you money, and after all this found money missing from my house. It also came to a physical face off. I should have walked away.  Several guards were called; he could have gotten himself thrown out if he stayed so he disappeared.  I called him and he was extremely angry.  He said all he had was his integrity and I brought that into question.

So what was the trouble?  Was I right to do what I did? I think yes.  I lost an acquaintance by doing so but could I help it?  In thinking back I don't think he did it.  But, I needed confirmation to relieve my doubts.  No, it wasn't fully loyal.  It wasn't what a great friend would do.  But it was a knee jerk reaction I had.  He wasn't a lifelong friend.  The evidence was there to raise suspicions.  Another friend confirmed that he would have questioned him too as I did.

Instead of being a purist, he could have said, “gee, you disappoint me.  I would never do that to you.” Or he could have humbled himself and said, “Steve, I wouldn't do that.  Trust me.  I swear it.”  Instead, broke, living in his parents place, he was aloof and responded as if beyond reproach.

Still later, I wrote to him a note stating I thought he was wrong to start a public incident, but that in honor of our old belief in one another here was $30 as a down payment for a rug cleaner to service surrounding areas outside of the immediate vicinity. Our argument discredited him locally.  I said “people do good and bad things” and didn't excuse myself.

This last statement is interesting.  My friend Sam thought what I did was evil, disloyal, and bad.  I thought it didn't show loyalty, but it was pragmatic.  To this day I couldn't swear that he didn't steal the money.  For me it was an evidence driven decision.  I'm not sure if it was evil or bad.  To Sam I betrayed him.  To me, and I'm a little older, you can suspect someone of wrongdoing yet still not betray them or even make an enemy.  Even if he was a thief, I could still forgive him, even be cordial.  It's a bad character flaw, but it’s not terminal.  As said before, people do good and bad things.

So there are two perspectives here, two systems of looking at friendships and people.  Maybe the word honor applies.  Sam saw his honor violated, that he had been demeaned.  This is one way of looking at it. We have dignity, honor, and we have to preserve it.  This is assuming he was in fact honorable and did not steal.

The other way is that people do good and bad things.  If I did bad, it's just a human flaw, part of the whole.  Let it go, move on.  It's all part of “the good, the bad, the ugly” within us all.

Then there were my own personal questions.  There is the spirited, behavioral ideal where one hones one's character to be consistent and centered no matter what the circumstances.  Extremes of behavior are aberrations to be weeded out.  The Zen masters, the spiritual monks, the aesthetics rather die than betray a code of behavior.  In our modern times, a sort of spiritual evolution seeks to create a center within, physically, mentally and emotionally.  One does not want to discard this.  Meditation, yoga, other disciplines encourage this.  In the west being a spiritual transformer, a “cool hand Luke,” a Jesuit monk, or practicing transcendental meditation is our version of this.  They are all efforts to refine our behavior and work out of our systems, our lesser behavior.

On the other hand we go back to the statement “people do good and bad things.”  Can one change that proportion really? Is good and bad written in us at all no matter how refined our training?  Is it just the human condition, a fight between morality and immorality, right versus wrong, good versus evil, that is in us all?  Are we all given a range, a portion we bring with us throughout life?  The American Indians plundered, scalped, raped and pillaged, but eventually some gained wisdom. So this speaks to experiencing all of life.

Both are valid. Both are to be considered as part of our totality.

530.  Past

Principles

Friendship

Friendship unexplained

Friendship can’t be planned or forced. Either they’re meant to be or not.  My friend Scott seemed loyal for a time, but the friendship gave way to have his needs met before everything else.  Loyalty, even the concept and ideal of what it means to be a friend, can simply interfere with what one has to do.  If the friendship remains, it’s not because of a conscious decision to keep it but rather from unexplained forces that throw you together with or without your consent.

487.

Principles

Friends and acquaintances

Is someone there?

At the high school reunion
weariness lowered defenses
and hurts lie beneath the smiles
while a quiet plea could be heard
'are you there for me?'

My neighbor left his mate
and he was renting
and his two sons never call
and his eyes seemed to ask
'are you there for me?'

I answered with silence
not wanting to disappoint
and seeing my own hardness
I cried to the above
'are you really there for me?'
 

368.  Past


Portrait of the companion Munchie

Portrait of the companion Munchie

My friend came over
to lay on the chaise
so as not to be alone
in her house
and maybe to get some needed rest
and I placed the teddy bear
that belonged to my mother
in between her arms
and somehow her restlessness ceased
and her furrow eased
and there was comfort
and she felt a little relief
as sleep came upon her.

361.  Past

Principles

Friends/acquaintances

Jean’s party

My dad always talks about healthy socializing.  He thinks I can become too isolated.  True, but also one has to get things done.

I went recently to a party held by Jean, a member of an artist’s group.  Many people were there and the food was great.  One lady spoke of getting old and being alone and not complaining about it. It was an unusual candid talk, although I’m not sure I agree with the ‘man up’ conclusion.   I pondered being alone after my dad would pass. He was 93.  At the party I was around people, had to be “on,” and fell back into my performance mode and felt pressure to be ‘up.’ 

Later, the uncomfortable feeling at this get together left and I felt a sadness over the experience.  The party won't last, we won't last, and I was with people just trying to have a good time.  I became less judgmental and self-conscious and more sympathetic.  Socializing was healthy even amidst a backdrop of negatives. Even if not family, it is a human need.  I recently read even eating while socializing is healthy.

329.

Principles

Friends and acquaintances

Left naked

There was a lady I knew some years ago who worked part time in an optical store who I saw a couple of times a week as I also worked part time in the same area.  She also wanted to make a living as an watercolor artist and eventually she gave various classes on technique and made a couple of videos using a special paper.  Her paintings caught a certain whimsical and humorous side of life.  She was funny and lively and attractive and we had some good laughs along with another employee in her store where she worked.   I knew, however, she was burning the candle on both ends.  In appearance vivacious, in reality her life had been tough.  From what I've observed people who do have a tough life don't always end well.

Recently I saw on Facebook a post from someone I haven't seen before.  He also painted in watercolors somewhat abstractly.  They were attractive in their own way.   He posted a picture of a flower painting he had done years ago that won an art contest.  I'm not fully clear on this but I think he uncovered the painting while going through someone's estate.  He then mentioned C, the lady I've talked about, and how he would miss her wild and crazy and wonderful self because she had passed away, still in her 50's. On the sidebar was a photo of both their faces squeezed together in a flirting manner.

That night I thought of C and in my mind tried to give her a meaningful farewell.  Many of us think of ourselves in such times and I tried not to.  The funeral had been a week before.

The next morning, mind emptied from a night's sleep, I thought of the artist friend who mentioned C on Facebook.  He was tall, had long blond hair recently shortened, and I'm sure played his attractiveness to his advantage as I looked at the seminar pictures he posted showing him giving classes to many adoring women.  Probably at some point C had taken one of his classes or gave a class at the same seminar.  Again, his art had an easy flair to it but only went so far, at least for me.  I've learned to look at art on different levels.

I thought of this man as I scrutinized his face and seemed to read him and his shortcomings, both in his person and in his work.  He had done nothing to harm me, but I saw what I saw and felt at odds with him.  I took solace that my own artistic or spiritual pursuits or both  would expose him for what he was.  He settled for easy answers and that's what he got.  Hence he would see my light and be shamed.   It would be my way of getting justice.

But here is what briefly came to mind and has become clear in this last period of time.  I can no longer run for cover under a spiritual banner.  I also can no longer have my art speak for me and shield me from the world.  Neither is a buffer, for both have their own holes.

Rather I am as I was when I was a kid, feeling nervous and naked and not knowing where to run to for protection. What I thought was protection isn't.  I too am exposed.

206. 




Principles

Friends and Acquaintances


Jerry and Einstein

I don't visit much these days and go all over the place.  Otherwise, I'll never get anything done.  When Jerry called, however, I couldn’t refuse.  We haven't seen one another in over 2 years.  We would run into  each other when I was working part/time, both escaping to Starbucks.  I sipped zen tea, Jerry caffeined up on their coffee.  Ex musician, small business person, partaker of various stimulants, collector of unemployment, one could relax around Jerry.  He would draw you into his world, such as the quality of the design of his most recent resume.  You didn't mind because it took you mind off of your own 'stuff.'

Like many people in Florida, Jerry survived as a 'fringe' person.  From a good background, Jerry lived in an apartment his brother owned while he presently worked worked in some technical sales job, not making a lot, but something.  When I knew him he started to work part-time at Total Wine after a stint of collecting unemployment.

The duplex was immaculate and comfortable, full of various antiques, many owned by his brother the doctor, some by Jerry.  While there Jerry played some jazz music, not pure jazz, but jazz with some electronics creating a spacy feel.  The wide screen T.V. was on with the sound off, I think showing a tennis match.

After talking about his new bike, how big it was (now they are height based), and how he needed it after his other bike was stolen, Jerry showed me his photo for his facebook page.  It was horrible, a picture of an obnoxious looking man (an entertainer with too much make up) holding a good guitar (which Jerry pointed out).  The man in the picture was somewhat like Alfred E. Neuman, not in specific looks, but in character, or lack of.  He had a vapid, ridiculous face with too much pasty makeup.  Jerry was punishing his 8 followers.

Jerry considered changing it to a pic of tires from a used junk yard.  When I asked him why such a choice, he said he's tired of pics of kids and dogs on facebook.  Then I understood.  Jerry was thumbing his nose at everything with his pics.  It was his way of saying ''I'm not impressed” to all the self serving and self content postings on facebook.  I said 'I got it' and kiddingly added “When the student is ready, the teacher appears.”  Jerry added 'it's just facebook.'

While this was happening and while sitting on his comfortable Ethan Allen couch and sipping wine, I picked up a picture book with brief quotes from the life of Albert Einstein.  The photos reflect different stages of his life.  One such quote said 'that while living in this world there is always a tension until it is time for  us to go.'  Einstein was a good observer and thinker.

Another quote stated 'how thankful he was for all the lives of the men who built a body of knowledge that he was able to add to and that he was part of.'  For a year when studying art I was conscious of what he was alluding to.  I felt connected to the past back then and was thankful.  Later, for a variety of reasons, I left that environment, went my own way, took different paths, and ended up learning and evolving alone.  The pull was towards authenticity.  The risk was isolation and self-deception and reaching a dead end.  Einstein's words made me yearn for a community of intelligent like minded people linked to a past of the same.  One would be part of a whole, and the body of knowledge of previous craftsmen was the heritage to be absorbed and added to.  I realized how I missed that link when going it alone.  But there had been no choice.

The other quote which particularly struck me, again to paraphrase, said 'one should practice and become competent at one's discipline, and not have it depend upon blessings from God.'  In other words, work at what you do as a person with your own intelligence and thinking and common sense and instincts.  Let it stand on its own in worldly terms.  To link it inappropriately with God and blessings is courting danger.  Be aware of God but act as a man.  To act as a spiritual being when  performing in the physical realm is mixing dimensions and risking failure.  Oh my.

I've had a little trouble summarizing the latter, but hopefully something comes across.  Both statements made me think about my own 'path,' my own troubles.  Both applied to me and to my decisions.  Both made me a little concerned for myself.

Jerry and I decided to end the night not too late.  When I got home Jerry called and asked me to look at the picture he picked.  I did and it was a colorful painting of jazz musicians.  He had broken his code of  'protest' and put something up that was enjoyable to look at and I told him so.  Jerry and Einstein were on my mind into the night.