644.  Past

My family

Could have helped

I have written about realizing how after many years I wasn't there for my mom and dad.  I could have helped them with what I knew.  I could have helped despite themselves

447.  Past

Parents


Some peace

After my mom's passing, on top of everything else, I lamented the loss of my clarity concerning my art.  To be an optical artist as I had been trained produced very quality pieces at times, but I still was limited.  To draw from knowledge and not be sight dependent exposed gaps in my foundation.  Woe is me.  At various times an image of my mom lights up in my head, in bright lights, emanating from within me outwards.  I would like to capture that, but how?  It doesn't relate to any process I'm using.  To use photos as a reference would be contrary to what I'm doing.  To work from memory would not provide enough information.  How would I draw the light coming from her being?  Textured pencil layers?  Maybe?  Too many questions for my wellbeing it seems.  I shouldn't be at point zero at this point.

My sister said, right after the funeral, she would like to take a picture of me sitting as I was on the floor leaning against a dresser somewhat sad.  This will make a nice drawing.  Would I use a dummy for the folds?  Would I just do studies of the folds on me and work from them?  Too many questions for me.  While mourning for my mother, I would think that I would be compensated with an answer to my questions. 

When talking with my dad before mom passed he I mentioned I had complained about not being close enough to them.  He then said we speak often and that is a bonus.  Think of all the people whose parents weren't around to even speak.  True.

Maybe this can apply to art.  I should be happy that I can do something, anything.  At least I can play with some aspects of art and create some images.  I have some alternatives.  Maybe it's not the paradigm I wish for but it's something and I should be grateful it's there.  This reasoning gives me some peace.