678.

Principles

Death and dying

Anger and dying

My dad passed earlier this year and my mom about 8 years ago.  On all levels a multiude of observations and reactions have hit me.  One concerns anger and hostility during the last period of life itself. Outbursts and unpleasantries to say the least were verbalized by both parents.  Even physical expressions of rage were observed.  Of course other emotions were experienced and were part of the whole scenerio, but moments of hositlity emanating from my parents definetly had their place.  Why so?

The medical people, not without reason, saw such outbursts as symptons to be subdued and repressed, whether with physical restraint or through medications. The cause was not fully discussed nor understand by me.  Perhaps the chemistry of the brain does get altered or is deprived of oxygen for brief periods of time.  Still, why such periods of acting out?  On the other hand, all emotions were experienced, docility and passivity too.

I suspect the reason for rage has some roots in reality.  There is anger over how one is dying versus how one should die.  In each person's mind there is an ideal way to die, in one's bed surrounded by the familiar and a general consensus between mind and body and spirit from within that it is time to go.  One wants to reach that point.  Medications have altered this reality. They have prolonged life but also shortchanged the chance to have a natural end.  When one realizes this it is too late. What is being done to you is against your will consciously or unconscioulsy and your protests go unnoticed. You might not even know what you want, but you want something more. Hence, the anger.

You want to change things but are trapped, and your protests are seen as rebellion and symptomatic.  To some extent you are a prisoner within the system you have participated in.  You see the trap and can't do anything to change it.  In bursts of anger you break through the medications and protest  Inside your being knows something is wrong, and it implusively flairs up in rebellion.

While this is not an exlsusive reason, I think there is truth to it.

644.  Past

My family

Could have helped

I have written about realizing how after many years I wasn't there for my mom and dad.  I could have helped them with what I knew.  I could have helped despite themselves

447.  Past

Parents


Some peace

After my mom's passing, on top of everything else, I lamented the loss of my clarity concerning my art.  To be an optical artist as I had been trained produced very quality pieces at times, but I still was limited.  To draw from knowledge and not be sight dependent exposed gaps in my foundation.  Woe is me.  At various times an image of my mom lights up in my head, in bright lights, emanating from within me outwards.  I would like to capture that, but how?  It doesn't relate to any process I'm using.  To use photos as a reference would be contrary to what I'm doing.  To work from memory would not provide enough information.  How would I draw the light coming from her being?  Textured pencil layers?  Maybe?  Too many questions for my wellbeing it seems.  I shouldn't be at point zero at this point.

My sister said, right after the funeral, she would like to take a picture of me sitting as I was on the floor leaning against a dresser somewhat sad.  This will make a nice drawing.  Would I use a dummy for the folds?  Would I just do studies of the folds on me and work from them?  Too many questions for me.  While mourning for my mother, I would think that I would be compensated with an answer to my questions. 

When talking with my dad before mom passed he I mentioned I had complained about not being close enough to them.  He then said we speak often and that is a bonus.  Think of all the people whose parents weren't around to even speak.  True.

Maybe this can apply to art.  I should be happy that I can do something, anything.  At least I can play with some aspects of art and create some images.  I have some alternatives.  Maybe it's not the paradigm I wish for but it's something and I should be grateful it's there.  This reasoning gives me some peace.