521.

Belief

Once again proof was needed

Once again I sought answers from others.  There was a certain incompleteness I felt within, a configuration I could not solve.  Whoever I spoke to could just give so much.  Experience taught me not to push, not to expect, not to ask if it wasn't offered.  What do you do?  Living just within yourself and being fully self-contained did not work either.  That is why you sought people in the first place. This was a scenario that seemed new but wasn't.

I needed someone who knew me better than I knew myself.  Who could this be?  No one I knew.  No wise person from the past.  No words from a sage written centuries ago would satisfy.  Who then?  I needed something bigger than myself, something larger in breath and depth.  I needed someone from another dimension.  Why stop there though?  Why not go to whomever is in charge of this dimension, of all dimensions?    Why not go to the biggest of big, to what is all encompassing?  Why not go to a God, or the God?  That's what was needed.  If there was no God, I would invent him because I needed him.  If I'm going to live in an illusion, might as well go for the biggest one.

Then I recalled I do believe in an almighty, in a god.  I recalled all the roads I took and traveled to find this out.  I remembered I had been seeking for many years and seemed to have a relationship with the above.  Of course I could not demonstrate this.  Of course I could be wrong.  However, once again, lost in space and suspended in a void and having no memory from the past, step by step I seemed to be led, in a particularly unique way (they always are) to rediscover something from nothing, somewhere from nowhere, and God from no God.

The process was a personal one that worked on me internally and brought me from chaos to knowledge.  Of course I could not prove this, but something was proven to me from within.  Each time it's as if I started from scratch and had to rebuild this proof.  Each time this proof varies and lasts for five minutes or five  days or five weeks. Each time in a different way I am reconnected with what I am meant to know and each time I forget.

443.

Spiritual 

Just a creature

A couple of weeks ago an upper tooth, one right before the molars, started to ache.  The filling that filled its interior had cracked. The tooth  had a lot of work done on it.  A dentist who I had been to said it would need a cap because  if another molar was to be removed, this tooth would have more chewing responsibilities.  The ache was not a good sign because it meant the root was being affected.  If so a root canal or extraction were the alternatives.  I am not a fan of root canals.  Trouble is the tooth is slightly visible.  Or, it could be the filling was just cracked letting in anything sweet which caused pain.

My refrigerator then stopped working and my diet went south for a few days.  Plus I had bought a jar of raw organic honey and kept dipping my finger in it.  Both transgressions I'm sure aggravated the vulnerable tooth.  So now it was hurting and I didn't have a good plan as to what to do.  It's like a chess match with your health. One needs time between each move.

Some days before this I had a back molar removed whose root had entered my sinuses.  It was a painful extraction, and later the painkillers caused a severe headache.  The oral surgeon said it was an 8 out of 10 in difficulty.  I had taken some antibiotics to kill an infection but on his advise and in agreement stopped them after four days.  The next day I decided to fast to cleanse all this stuff out.

For a time I felt okay but towards the night  I experienced head pressure that began in earnest.  My body was working so hard to get rid of whatever was in it I began to run a fever.  My sinuses behind the  nasal cavities seemed infected and caused pain.  I was just a hurting creature for 24 hours.

Did I feel a godly presence while going through this?  No.  Did a still small voice whisper to me?  No.  I was just grappling in the mud, a creature in pain and suffering.  The above was far off somewhere, seemingly not involved in my plight.  That's how it all seemed at that particular time.  Spirituality, God, was a far off thing.

81.

Statement


The world

For a long time I thought I could cut through, compete.  My own
train of thought, reasoning and hard earned resources were my weapons. 
When they weakened I felt the power of your onslaught.  Your successes,  your money, your confidence, your surety, your numbers were too much, a tidal wave of accumulation.  When doubting myself who was I to stand up to you.  Your glaring brightness poisoned my vision and path and made it hard to see.  Gone was any clear defense or mounted offense.  I retreated back into no expectations with only the words 'but there is a God' stamped before my mind and on my lips.

73.  Past

Belief


Fair question

Is there a beyond, a God?  This is a fair question to ask during this
lifetime.   You can lead a good life without knowing the answer, or
with not being sure.  It can even be brave to do so because if you do
“good” it’s without otherworldly ulterior motives or expectations.  Still,
it is an important question to ask.  You have a right to know before your
life is ended.

It is good to have no preconceptions when asking. Forget everything you’ve
read or learned on the subject.  Pretend you’re on a desert island with
most of your needs met and you have time to wonder, be alone, and think. 
It is just you and existence, no religion, no culture, no traditions, no
activities.  You are alone with the ultimate question, “Is there a
maker?”  Ask it, wrestle with it, ponder over it.