Living and life
So how is it?
There was a good realization. There was learning about the traditions of Judaism without falling pray to another dogma. Truly there is a beauty to it which not many understand. And truly and surprisingly in many ways it was a religion without a theology which reinvents itself all the time. One becomes a little more friendly with what one was born into. It fills some gaps but not all the gaps. One can value it and still be uncertain. They too were just people trying to find meaning.
And then, where is God during all this? He is somewhere out there but doesn't feel close or helpful. Else why all these jagged edges?
And then there was frustration. It is hard to get things done. It has been hard to resolve things. Everyone seems to let you down (at least somewhat). Old nemesis and bad feelings are still there. These ugly dynamics once again rear their heads to show they have never gone away, nor have you ever escaped them.
The world seems to shift at this time in September as worldly events erupt, weather erupts, and information bombards the psyche. Also there are some holy holidays which mark a new beginning and year and also repentance, none of which is presently felt. Even a birthday is thrown in marking time passing. One tries to properly, without being a phony, fit happiness in there somewhere, if for nothing else, your health.
All the while it is best to work at trying to complete simple projects that mark time and maintain some discipline. And one keeps going to find out more and to seek peace and to live while here and to enliven what seems to have died.
So that's how it is.