369. 

Principles 

Living and life


Frustration

So how is it?

There was a good realization.  There was learning about the traditions of Judaism without falling pray to another dogma.  Truly there is a beauty to it which not many understand.  And truly and surprisingly in many ways it was a religion without a theology which reinvents itself all the time.  One becomes a little more friendly with what one was born into.   It fills some gaps but not all the gaps.  One can value it and still be uncertain.  They too were just people trying to find meaning.

And then, where is God during all this?  He is somewhere out there but doesn't feel close or helpful. Else why all these jagged edges?

And then there was frustration.  It is hard to get things done.  It has been  hard to resolve things.  Everyone seems to let you down (at least somewhat).  Old nemesis and bad feelings are still there.  These ugly dynamics once again rear their heads to show they have never gone away, nor have you ever escaped them.

The world seems to shift at this time in September as worldly events erupt, weather erupts, and information bombards the psyche.  Also there are some holy holidays which mark a new beginning and year and also repentance, none of which is presently felt.  Even a birthday is thrown in marking time passing.  One tries to properly, without being a phony, fit happiness in there somewhere, if for nothing else, your health.

All the while it is best to work at trying to complete simple projects that mark time and maintain some discipline.  And one keeps going to find out more and to seek peace and to live while here and to enliven what seems to have died.

So that's how it is.

368.  Past


Portrait of the companion Munchie

Portrait of the companion Munchie

My friend came over
to lay on the chaise
so as not to be alone
in her house
and maybe to get some needed rest
and I placed the teddy bear
that belonged to my mother
in between her arms
and somehow her restlessness ceased
and her furrow eased
and there was comfort
and she felt a little relief
as sleep came upon her.

367.  Past

Statement

The conclusion

Despite all evidence to the contrary, there is a maker.  Nothing else can be fully trusted.  Although I have a thousand doubts, I believe there must be a maker.  Nothing else can I be sure of in this world.  Although a simple statement, it culminates a lifetime of thought and contemplation on the matter.

Time and scrutiny expose errors in everything.  All theories and facts should be taken with a grain of salt.  The only thing that is permanent is that there is an above.  This is all that can last.  Age and time and the world and life test this to the core.  I doubt all the time.  More often than not it seems as if there is not a maker.  It seems an illusion offered for the young, a crutch for the needy, a primitive emotion for the uninformed.  However, all this being said, and despite my doubts, there must be a maker. Nothing else is for sure.

There is no real proof that there is an above, just hints.  Much of what’s written on the subject has a reverse effect.  People turn against the concept.  In spite of all the indications for or against, it does not disappear.  It seems to survive all scrutiny and doubts.

Everything else doesn’t.  Theories and facts last for a time, then crack.  Age, time and life test everything and everything shows holes. Nothing stands the test of time.  This is how I see it.  This is my conclusion.

365.  Past

My family


Sacrifice

My being craves an answer.
For what cause was I sacrificed.
I ask the “why” and wonder.
I continue to go on
but I still would like to know.       1








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364.  Past

Vignettes


Selfish bas.......

My mom used to call me a “selfish bas....”  Humorously I would call my friend Ruth "selfish bas...." in honor of my mom.

363.


Principles



Systems and understanding

Cones

Since a child I've always seen reality as shapes.  The forces and thrusts of nature were shaped into cones and spheres and rectangles and triangles and various combinations.  For me only later came the words to describe them.

It seems to me in life a cone (as in ice cream cone) is the shape that describes the path of a pursuit, a discipline,  and a direction.   If the spherical base is wide and broad enough and includes enough of the person's being there is a natural progression from the broad to the refined.  The base of the  cone covers what you have taken in and is eventually narrowed and honed into the peak aperture at the top of the cone.  From there your best comes forth.

Fortunate is the person unto whom this works for.  Less fortunate are the many who find their base was not wide enough and therefore their creation not complete enough.  If their base did not include enough experience, learning, observation and just life, the end result at the top of your cone will be too narrow. At one point an idea might have made a lot of sense, but if it did not take into account enough of the soil from which you were formed, it might be deficient.

The cone that you are occupied with  then starts to die a slow death while the rest of you cries out for more.  In your narrowness part of you was neglected and now yearns for attention and inclusion.  It can feel as if you are starting from scratch, seeing everything as if for the first time. 

I recall an older Israeli lady neighbor who earlier in her life had some success as a minimalist type artist.  Although not my favorite genre there was discipline and structure in her simple shapes.  They were almost a hard edged version of Rothko if one is familiar with his work.  They held together.  At one point she was represented by an established New York gallery.   Then, after a time, we never talked about art and she didn't seem to be doing it anymore. Instead I would find her at the pool reading a mystery novel or some popular novel by a popular author.  While her talk was still forceful (she was Israeli) her thinking wandered and she seemed a little scattered and lost.  When I saw her walking her face had a child like fear written across it.

I think her cone had become too small. Her precise activity had become too exclusive. The rest of her life cried out to her and she could not contain herself anymore. Her funnel, her cone had become too narrow and internally she was crying for help, any help, even help from mystery or drama novels. Their authors' writings served as food for the neglected parts of herself. Her existence became a paradox that no longer provided certainty. The truth she thought she had was not big enough. All this happened at an advanced age. 

With some this is how it is. Their cones were too small, their output too narrow and what remained was unattached pieces of themselves still craving for their fulfillment. All one can do is slowly and painfully accept this state of affairs and not fight it and even leave room for sadness and joyful sadness. One is now again like a child feeling and touching their way through the world as if for the first time.

360.  Past

Leading

Beyond all the pushing

I once wrote “beyond all the pushing (in life, the efforts given) there has to be the face of God (on the other side of any effort, desire, beneath or above).”

If this wasn’t so, it all means nothing.

359.  Past

Spiritual principles

Rules are important

What I’m writing is not written in stone but seems to be self-evident..  When we see what appears to be a miracle, or a great healing, is it?  I don't think that God breaks any rules.  In the physical world he uses physics.  In the spiritual world he uses metaphysics, or spiritual physics.  When the two are crossed it is beyond our comprehension, but laws are still obeyed.  There is still some order and sense to it, just another dimension is activated that we can't understand, and appears to us as a mystery.

361.  Past

Principles

Friends/acquaintances

Jean’s party

My dad always talks about healthy socializing.  He thinks I can become too isolated.  True, but also one has to get things done.

I went recently to a party held by Jean, a member of an artist’s group.  Many people were there and the food was great.  One lady spoke of getting old and being alone and not complaining about it. It was an unusual candid talk, although I’m not sure I agree with the ‘man up’ conclusion.   I pondered being alone after my dad would pass. He was 93.  At the party I was around people, had to be “on,” and fell back into my performance mode and felt pressure to be ‘up.’ 

Later, the uncomfortable feeling at this get together left and I felt a sadness over the experience.  The party won't last, we won't last, and I was with people just trying to have a good time.  I became less judgmental and self-conscious and more sympathetic.  Socializing was healthy even amidst a backdrop of negatives. Even if not family, it is a human need.  I recently read even eating while socializing is healthy.