561.

Principles

Systems, patterns, and understanding

Simultaneously   

Life is so strange.
You follow your path
step by step
and while doing so
you  disengage
from your path
all at the same time.

411.  Past

Principles

Psychology 

Elongation

We would like to think our angers, resentments, rages dissipate with age and understanding.  After wrestling with their numerous causes, meditating on them, and having spiritual insights and realizations, one would think one was beyond such basic emotions.  On to the next level is what we think.  Not necessarily so, not necessarily so.

When we are threatened, or caught in a new trap, or violated, these emotions return on various levels.  Even forgiveness, often seen as the cure for anger, is difficult when the disease or anguish we have continues to go unabated.  Worse, as life strips illusions away, we are left with the reality of our unveiled situation and it is not often pleasant. In advanced years we see  nakedly and bluntly.    What has violated us has also stained us and is not easily eradicated. 

A good description is the reactions have become elongated.  Long periods of time can  pass by without a particular anger triggered.  We might even think it is gone.  But when receiving the violation again, albeit from a parent or their memory or a sibling or a friend or a bureaucracy or anything, we find the same responses have not left.  They have become like a long sword, thin and stretched out, but still reaching down and touching our insides.

The other night when not feeling physically well and feeling various pressures I found I was telling off various close people in my life for the umpteenth time.  My God, nothing had changed.  I was still angry and mad.  When I recovered and had some perspective I was less harsh on  myself.  We might not change but our awareness and subsequent acceptance of all aspects of ourselves broadens.   Perhaps what changes is our acceptance of all facets of ourselves which could be worse than we thought, along with accepting our potential growing realizations and truths.  Such a mix.

I recall hearing, as I was not present, when my mom was passing and she was full of meds and pain and tubes and discomfort and her sanity was questionable, she expressed rage towards my father and sister, calling them names like 'stupid and cursing and more.'    It was hard to hear about, probably harder to be there.  Maybe there was some truth behind her words.   After all, the net result of all the efforts of those around her led to this horrible final experience.  What was left for her but brutal honesty? Doctors, family, even her own self could not excuse or cover anything up anymore.  Often they just wanted to appear guiltless.  The reality is she had trusted various people and institutions and behind that certain ideas and the result was suffering.  So a demented anger honestly  expressed itself.

The whole thing is humbling.  We are not in control.  Maybe my mom's final outrage was a lesson for us all.  Our deep seated violations and scars stay with us until the grave.  They are long, very long and last til our end.   It is a vanity and arrogant to think we can control these underlying currents.  Are any of us really better than my mom?  Can anyone say that won't be them.?  All we can do is become more cognizant of the whole picture.  Truth is a long dagger into our guts.  Somehow, even though unpleasant and only understood in small doses, good can emerge from this, even if just to know we are not in charge and something bigger than us is working itself out. 

162.


Systems, Patterns and Understanding

Temporary helpers

It's not so much about finding the right philosophy, or approach, or discipline.  They all vary and are not complete.  As you live you run across their paths and use them, and they work to some degree, but not entirely.  They can disappoint.

What's needed is patience with all of them.  You almost have to see their shortcomings and realize they're bound to have them.  You have to temper your disappointment with them with patience and acceptance.   They are not forever or written in stone, they are just temporary helpers.

130.




Principles


Systems, patterns and understanding





Projects and projections


Somehow the word projects takes the pressure off of what I'm doing. It puts activities in a definable box. Right now I'm finishing up a project, a long term project. Two lesser projects follow.

Looking into the future I am of two minds. The first pushes me forward almost as far as I can go. Talents, energy, discipline are thrust outward into an unknown and claim territory as they expand. They become defined when their power decreases, either from external forces or internal weakening. In this state of mind, one never knows the end until the end. Where you end up is a mystery that unfolds. It's an adventure with no rest.

The second way seeks a definition, a role for what I'm doing, a category, supported by a routine held in place by parameters. Once they are defined and various requirements fulfilled, the question marks are answered. A deep breath can be taken. I can lay down the torch and see what comes my way. The advantage here is that there is resolution followed by relaxation. The disadvantage is that the breath and depth of where I can go is limited. I am saving part of myself and hence the potential is restricted.

I'll wait, I'll see, I'll be still, I'll make appeals above, I'll do my chores and handle the present and try to have the courage to not rush to know.