199.  Past

Principles


Systems, patterns, understanding


Space and inefficiency


Any system taken to a logical conclusion becomes too rigid and cracks.  There has to be some space in between the rules, some air, room for error, even inefficiency.  If a system is too tight it falls apart.  The problem is caused by man's nature which is to divide and subdivide, until every square inch is codified, categorized, and lately digitized.  This comes from our need to expand our power, and our need for control over this world and beyond, and in theological lingo, our need to be a God.  On whatever level you take this, it is our flaw.  That is why space, and inefficiency, sometimes created by lethargy, can be a positive.  Why?  Because it curbs this drive towards a perfect rigid system.

198.  Past

Principles

Age and aging


The bigger concept

As you get older you will tend to see all sides of a situation.  Some of you, myself included, were able to do this in early adulthood.  Later there came a need to define things, to be more determined, to draw lines around what's good and bad.  If nothing else this helped delineate who you were.

But with age, the divisions blur, and in a sense your understanding expands.  You almost understand all things.  Part of this is conceptual, where you see the contradictions in most paradigms and ideas.  Part of this is practical because as you age there might be less choice about where you end up.  I recall a Buddhist bohemian artist having his morning coffee ritual with a Born Again Christian.  It was a ritual.  They agreed on little in principle, but agreed on a bigger concept, keeping one another company at the same coffee place most mornings.

197.  Past




Principles


Systems, patterns, understanding

(Please note the following writing is not biographical.)

Different approaches


Say you were brought up in a very liberal environment.  Down the road you found holes and inconsistencies with your first beliefs.  So you do an about face and transition into a neoconservative.  This second belief also falls short.  So you dig in and become a “true” conservative.  Ah, you have arrived.  Belief three seems to be it.  But questions arise.  How far back should one go to conserve things?  How conservative should government be?  Should we become involved in this war or not is another question.  What is a righteous war?  Should our society be connected, at least tangentially, with the Judeo Christian traditions?  You begin to lean strongly towards government having minimal influence upon institutions, religious and secular ones.  So you evolve to your fourth belief, libertarian, and that is what you become.

Down the road, located far from you, your mom becomes ill.  Your parents don’t have long term care insurance and your 84 year old dad is too old to do all the work.  Full time care costs $15 per hour and your mom doesn’t sleep and needs help around the clock.  This is too much.  If you followed the libertarian paradigm your parents would have to go through their savings and then move in with you or you with them, until they pass away.  You might have to appeal to charity or live minimally until they perish.  It is not wise for a good libertarian, if not wealthy, to live far from their parents, but you didn’t know this when young.  So you compromise, become a good liberal in this instance, have your parents gift their money to you and then qualify for government assistance.  Your first belief came in handy.

The moral of this story is that each belief system was found wanting. Each was incomplete and did not have all the answers.

The best perspective is that for a time one or two approaches might apply, but that doesn’t mean you have to fully embrace them.  You have become cautious.  You have seen, with time, the credibility of many beliefs while realizing they all fall short. You realize for each situation a different approach might apply.  

 

196.

Principles

Truth


More on a little foolishness

The way to be truthful is not always a straight line.  Sometimes we get there by tasting what is opposite or sideways.  I recall feeling a sense of security on Park Ave. in New York.   Its stature and sense of order made me feel the same.  Going into an expensive quality department store during holidays even if just looking was exposure to nice and well done things.  Eating at a high end restaurant was a taste of the 'good' life.  Once in a blue moon splurging on a date was an escape from daily difficulties and problems.

All these 'moments' were few and far between, and apply now less than ever.  The exposures were not buying into anything but were part of the landscape.  They offer some assurance now that I am not running away from anything while having to face the rigors and tests of moving into unknown territory.

195.


Principles


Live/living


It is so simple

Sometimes in life you run across something so simple that your whole struggle appears to have been for naught. It might have been in the background to be tasted metaphorically, and occasionally you did.

You suspected there was merit there, but did not fully give it its due. Your self importance, agenda, investment in your own actions and activities, all had a life of their own. Even if they compensated in dubious and unproven directions, they were you.

Then what was so simple appears, humble, unpretentious, honest and is just there. It is practical and doable. You finally recognize it. You can't find fault. If your own status is reduced to a mere witness and observer, so be it. You are thankful just to know it is there. There is peace in recognition in something true or truer, even if you have to put yourself aside.

Afterwards one must see how things play out. Your recognition might seep its way into your life. It might undermine your life. It might be there tucked away while you still pursue your life. At the very least you are glad to have had it and are thankful. Somehow it made you better and you feel it.

194.  Past




Culmination


Beyond hopelessness


The writer J.G. Ballard wrote a novel describing everything as crashing. Technology, sculpture, sex and death all recede to the same vanishing point. It's as if a great suction in the universe pulls them in, equalizing them all, with the same verdict for all, hopelessness.

As for myself, I know and have experienced this vanishing point. However, beyond it there is the good.

193. 




Principles


Truth


Satisfying

When physically bothered recently by sinus difficulties I called up a neighbor who had similar problems and asked if they were feeling it.  The winds, pollens, gmo crops, grasses, spores, and molds build up at times and affect me along with others having a similar affliction.  Checking with someone else at least lets me know I am not being singled out and what I'm going through is in the normal realm, somewhat.

My friend spent about 10 seconds saying they are always bothered (not really a real answer) and then spoke about dressing and looking well.  Hardly the response I wanted.

Is it Florida?  A bunch of loose ends gathered in one place?  Or is it all over?  Or am I just out of the loop, outside the circle of balance and harmony in human relations that offers healthy and helpful responses?  Sometimes I receive a good response, often from a stranger, but I can't count on it.

Everyone is pushing beyond their scope, defending their turf, careful not to give up any ground, somewhat curious and needy but not willing to lose any control.

And while we quibble, not to sound paranoid, but I suspect the powers that be consolidate their position using confusion and red tape and doublespeak and allow the lowest levels of society to whittle away at what is left.

Oh, to find my way through this, with or without a friend.  To find a way to get and stay on course and know that it is so.  To find clarity and good vision in the middle of the fog.  To see what is true amidst all the lies and compromises.  That would be satisfying, truly satisfying.

192.




Observations


Talk with Scott of Vitamin Works

Lately I bike a few miles to the supermarket and then pickup what I can from nearby Vitamin Works, a place owned by Scott and usually we talk about things.  For instance after shopping at Publix, I might say I feel totally dumbed down and Scott would add 'it's just like night of the living dead' or 'zombieville at Publix.  It can be traumatizing.'  We always compare notes about where to live often joined by his assistant Anthony.  Lately, influenced by Anthony, upstate New York is getting his attention.  Many lakes with nice houses around them was his mantra. My reaction was that in your 50's you think you can be self-sufficient and do things on your own, be a rugged individualist, get away from everything, but after a certain age you can't really do it alone.  Scott agreed but added 'you can get a kid to help you.' That's how we talked until it was time for me to head out.

I recently shared my latest adventure getting a blood test at my primary care physician which was nearby.  I said I felt as if I was a 7 year old going to school for the first time.  Scott added it was like seeing the big hallways, cafeterias, rooms, and gyms for the first time and feeling so small.  Yes, that's how the doctor's office felt.

At the office assistant Betty administered the blood test.  The first thing she did was ask me to sign a release stating I'm responsible for all procedures, testing, drugs, and scans that medicare or supplementary insurance won't cover.  I signed it mechanically.  Betty went into further details.

She said many Obamacare patients hadn't been to doctors in 20 years and so ask to have everything done; scans, xrays, lab tests and on and on.   They all assumed all would be covered and were surprised when huge bills came in the mail.  Betty then said its all about coding and if you don't have a certain code you have to pay for everything.  She added the very sick, or very rich, or poor are protected but a person like me can fall through the cracks, particularly if something happens.  She recommended I call medicare and my supplementary insurance carrier before every visit to find out what is covered.  All this was beginning to penetrate and I thanked her for the warning.

Previously, when I had seen the doctor I had requested a vitamin D test to see if my levels were holding up and in a good range.  I asked Betty if this was covered and she asked me if I had osteoporosis.  I said no and she said I wasn't covered.  Hmmmm.  I wasn't sick enough.  I needed an acute illness to get the test apparently.  The same applied for cholesterol tests.  If I went ahead with the Vitamin D test my cost out of pocket would be $140.  I told her to drop it.  I asked if the doctor had known about this charge and she said he was not up on the rules and regulations, maybe implying he was oblivious.

I had United Health Care but I asked her about Humana.  She said Humana has about 8 plans, and it was hard to choose which was best.  She added the average visit had a cheaper copay, but one had to go through a network.  More to consider or to just  avoid dealing with I thought.  The paranoid part of me saw it as an agenda to keep me preoccupied with minutia so I would take my eye off the bigger picture of what really counted.

Then Betty told me that for 20 years she had no health insurance even though she had regular employment.  Recently her husband started working at a job that offered full coverage including dental insurance  for both of them.  She wanted a dental cleaning and went to a dentist who said she would need a special 'deep' cleaning after examining a full set of xrays that he took.  Discouraged, she went to another dentist and after taking another full set of xrays (more radiation) he told her it would cost $800 to clean her teeth properly.  She then went to a local college and had it done for $20.  I think I got the message. I thanked Betty for sharing and left, feeling I now have to be on guard for yet another involvement.

All this I shared with Scott while purchasing organic sunflower seeds, Jasmine tea and a cocoa bar treat which he gave me a break on.  Scott said he knew the system was broken for years.  His father in law was in medical sales and spoke often about these issues.   We often spoke about health care in Europe and the possible advantages of living in other countries.  He said things were all about money here and greed and business.  I agreed but added at least we are free to share and talk and give our insights.  I then shared a story about my neighbor Stewart.

About my age, Steward I'm guessing inherited some money and I think inherited his parents condo.  Seven weeks a year he goes to Europe to teach meditation.  Once, at the pool, he said in an insistent voice he is 'trying' and 'will' not give in to distractions.  I said  trying and willing even for a good thing are not meditative frames of mind.  He seemed receptive to what I said and friendly and respectful enough that day, but two days later he must have thought about things and I definitely wasn't on his 'favorite' list.  What was nice became not so nice.  Anyhow, before this 'reaction' he had an interesting comment about Europe.

After being in Germany, on a Greek island overlooking the Mediterranean,  staying in Venice and other nice places, he said his first reaction upon getting off the plane in New York was that he could breathe.  He felt he could think here.  I wasn't sure if I heard him correctly but I had.  He said all over Europe the mindset was limited and closed and restricted.  You could only go so far in your thinking.

I shared his reaction with Scott and he too asked if his first reaction after landing in New York was actually the opposite.   I assured him it wasn't.  We both absorbed this and had nothing to say.

Scott and I agreed it is good to have a person to share our thoughts with.  Scott, who reads my website, suggested I write about our talking and so I am.  I left the store and he told me to bike safely and enjoy the clear weather.  I then faced my bikeride  home as I face my life, peddling forward while concerned about my safety and well being, hoping around the corner there will be some smooth sailing with no crazy drivers and maybe a realization or two before I arrive home.

191.  Past

Principles


Man/woman


A little foolish

Women often need in a man some kind of security.  If you are not financially well off or just secure does this mean you have a sentence for the rest of your life not to be with a woman?  You might make an effort to become secure but what if that doesn’t work?  You might even have done the right thing for part or much of your life, but what if your finances didn’t work out?  Your motivation might have been unconsciously to do well so you could have a mate.  No matter what the cause, if you don’t have enough, what do you do?  Do you end up in a room alone and dry up emotionally and physically? 

Sometimes to live we need the chase of being a “guy” after a woman.  It makes it possible to put up with a lot of other nonsense personally and in the work world.  It motivates us to dress nicely and keep good habits and hygiene.  We sometimes need that animal element in life.  If you see a woman you want to date and you are not well off, you might have to sell yourself, bluff a little, joke and be sassy.  This is part of life.  Rather you be a little dishonest but have something to look forward to for the next day.  You might even be a little foolish, but that’s part of life.  We all end up foolish in some way, and this is your portion.

190.  Past

Personal


The look 

The look on Ruth
was distant
with sad acceptance.
Her eyes knew something
I wanted to know.
.
Maybe our flaws were seen
without complaint.
Maybe loneliness was accepted
and not fought.

I wanted to be with her
behind this look.