678.

Principles

Death and dying

Anger and dying

My dad passed earlier this year and my mom about 8 years ago.  On all levels a multiude of observations and reactions have hit me.  One concerns anger and hostility during the last period of life itself. Outbursts and unpleasantries to say the least were verbalized by both parents.  Even physical expressions of rage were observed.  Of course other emotions were experienced and were part of the whole scenerio, but moments of hositlity emanating from my parents definetly had their place.  Why so?

The medical people, not without reason, saw such outbursts as symptons to be subdued and repressed, whether with physical restraint or through medications. The cause was not fully discussed nor understand by me.  Perhaps the chemistry of the brain does get altered or is deprived of oxygen for brief periods of time.  Still, why such periods of acting out?  On the other hand, all emotions were experienced, docility and passivity too.

I suspect the reason for rage has some roots in reality.  There is anger over how one is dying versus how one should die.  In each person's mind there is an ideal way to die, in one's bed surrounded by the familiar and a general consensus between mind and body and spirit from within that it is time to go.  One wants to reach that point.  Medications have altered this reality. They have prolonged life but also shortchanged the chance to have a natural end.  When one realizes this it is too late. What is being done to you is against your will consciously or unconscioulsy and your protests go unnoticed. You might not even know what you want, but you want something more. Hence, the anger.

You want to change things but are trapped, and your protests are seen as rebellion and symptomatic.  To some extent you are a prisoner within the system you have participated in.  You see the trap and can't do anything to change it.  In bursts of anger you break through the medications and protest  Inside your being knows something is wrong, and it implusively flairs up in rebellion.

While this is not an exlsusive reason, I think there is truth to it.

675.  Past

Principles

Life and death

Embracing opposition

It is better to be alive than dead.  Often what we’ve sacrificed or fought for is not as important as we think.  People will do what they do and better to be alive so you can do what you do.  Sometimes, we have to embrace that which opposes us just to live, even if it appears wrong.

However, if you are in an impossible situation, you do have the right to die rather than suffer through it.  You don’t have to live at all costs. It’s just better if you do.  It’s better to get through a situation and not get too involved with the right and wrong of it.  The biggest perspective is that just being alive is the miracle, and the right and wrong of life is secondary.  Many people do wrong, but without life they wouldn’t ever find out what wrong is.

660.  Past

Principles

Death

The End

Had a flash that I was ready to leave and merge with the universe.  I didn't have to be hassled anymore.  The end was okay.

656.

Principles

Death and dying

Death does not have to be painful     

When thinking of all the worries and concerns
which strain and stretch your insides
often without a happy ending,
easing towards another realm is less scary
and can even offer comfort and relief.

630.


Principles

Death and dying

The elephant in the room

A woman commented on a health site that, after battling many illnesses and overcoming them, and after living somewhat close to nature, and also having a dentist she works well with, she feels she will be able to die of old age.  At first this does not sound startling but after time it sinks in.  Why?  Because most of us won't be able to say that.  As with my mom, perhaps my dad, and numerous others, it will be death by hospital and meds.  The person is not in control.  Power structures outside yourself are.  The intimate setting and stage for one's end becomes an institutional event.  Gone is the intimacy, closeness, and safety of a private environment with meaningful people around you.  It can be a corporate affair lead by technical decisions.

Once you are on medications you are vulnerable to side effects, which lead to other side effects, which eventually lead to problems which  conflict with one another. Even if you are health oriented as I have been certain decisions in the past might have done damage that is beyond your control.  In my case mercury fillings along with root canals have effects that are long lasting and perhaps can't be overcome. With the latter, bacteria in the bone is long living and not easy to eradicate.  Difficulties such as sinus problems and arthitis are just some side effects.  Implants also carry bacteria, and dentures, that is the newer ones, while clever with their flexibility, emit certain plastic chemicals which can cause reactions, sometimes severe.  No matter what your diet is, or your habits, some damage can't be fully reversed.
 
When I first came to Florida I wondered why so many of the elderly seemed impatient and irritated much of the time.  Now I realized most were on meds and subject to various medical trains of thought.  What they strove for over their lives, that is control and mastery over one's destiny, is no longer.  Hence, the emergence of underlying resentments and anger and the need for escape and pleasures.  When one feels trapped, one needs flights of fantasy and entertainment.

There used to be a time when one could pick their time and place to pass on.  Ideally, things were wrapped up and a moment of peace was available and some stability was in the air and one was ready to leave. Of course not in all cases, but for some this is how it was.  Those with love for you and respect for you were present and it was special.  Now it is not in your control.  Often it is drawn out.  Often it is not spiritual.  That is why the elderly are often uncomfortable.  A peaceful death is not available.  Someone said to me today we are born and we die in hospitals.

Now I've heard hospice does many good things and does try to create a setting for one's passing that is somewhat sensitive.  And then there is just the fact that God, if one believes, is everywhere and can ease your situation, even in a hospital.  And true, even in a hospital among strangers the light can shine.  Granted.  Also true is that for many the tribe, community, family is fractured and this is the best that we have.  Yes, accepted.  I'm not going to quarrel with what is.  However, sometimes a standard is needed to compare ourselves to, to see how far we have veered, as individuals and as a collective.

So the lady initially mentioned, a cancer survivor among other things, who rarely sees a doctor, who tries to self-cure, who says she will die from old age through her own efforts and just good fortune, feels she has some control of her end.  There is some dignity in that.

545.  Past

Principles

Death and Dying


The desire to leave

One doesn’t always need a tragedy, crisis, or horrible life experience to want to leave this world.  Sometimes enough small things can add up.  Experiences that are degrading, demeaning, or non-supportive can lead to a horrible existence.  The need for relief can come in many forms, but so can the desire to leave this life.   I’m not saying this should be followed, but it is part of the whole picture and should be given some space and respected. 

492.  Past

Principles

Death and dying


A false bravura

Young people often have a bravura about giving up their life.  In one of Bruce Lee's movies he is forced to fight Kareen Abjur Jabaar (the 7'2" basketball player) who says to him "I am not afraid to die," and later he did die. Idealism, the warrior code, principles worth dying for, sacrifice, do or die, are all codes of behavior that can lead to death.  As these paradigms crack and crinkle, eventually one is left with just life and living without a rigid code of behavior.  One realizes it's not about the "isms."  One realizes how precious life is.  One sees it more and is more willing to fight to stay alive.  Life becomes a valuable entity that has to be preserved.

 
452.  Past


Principles


Death and dying 


Understanding wanting out

It is possible to be around such negative forces one would rather die than live.  I’m not saying I condone this, but I understand it.  When suffering real crisis, health issues or even a life and death situation, I recall my will to survive was present.  It wasn’t time for me to quit.  This was clear.  I needed a miracle to survive whatever I was going through but I kept on whether I received it or not.

What’s more problematic is when things are stable (no imminent crisis, no loss of job, or bad health, or bad teeth, and no family member in trouble) and yet certain forces are at work that are very upsetting to your equilibrium.  This can have a negative impact on your life.  You might be ok, and this might have taken a lot of work, but even when you are ok the quality of your life could still be miserable. Imagine if you weren’t ok, what then?  Another way of seeing it is that it took everything you had to get to zero, and now once you are even, maybe even a bit more, things still aren’t right.  How disappointing. You worked and waited to reach the plus column, and once there, you are let down. 

There was this lady friend, Betty, who I thought liked my artwork.  She then bought a book about an artist who was a third rate Andrew Wyeth.  He copied photos, which Wyeth never did, and did barely acceptable cliché paintings of poor southern rural African Americans.  Not to demean him, but Betty was stubborn, and insisted he was great, and he wasn’t and I knew it.  This told me that many of our talks were for naught.  She hadn’t valued my efforts which I thought she had.  Instead of support and cooperation, I received contention.

In the same time period a friend “Peter” somewhat dissed me, at least that’s how I perceived it at the time.  Later it was straightened out.  When I called him, I wanted to talk about my folks and about some money issues I had with them, but he couldn’t talk.  In looking for some warmth, I got coldness.  I turned my attention upstairs but even that seemed remote.  Things were alright, but I was alone and that was my lot.  How long, how long alone I asked?  So I could understand at these times when someone, even when feeling well, could want to end it.  If life offers nothing when you have tried and have been decent, and even have a little change in your pocket, why continue if it still disappoints?

There’s a joke about people who have money and yet are still unhappy.  They’re unhappy because they no longer can blame everything on not having money.  Some parallels exist here.  Sometimes there is a configuration, even when circumstances are good, where life is devoid of any redemptive qualities and I can understand feeling empty and wanting out.