Blog Archives

Between 6 and 8 am

6/30/2013

38. Past

Principles

Living

Between 6 and 8am

There is a magic to early morning hours. I'm not referring to 3 am or so, which is mystical and mysterious, but rather 6 to 8 am when you finally wake up. Here it seems real issues are dealt with. The mind unconsciously wrestles with concepts and vectors and dilemmas during the night and somehow, a brief but conclusive take flashes in your mind to provide an answer.

2 Comments

Picnic

6/30/2013

5 Comments

36. Present

Personal

Picnic

I heard the term ‘bucket list’ a while ago and it really didn’t impact me. It was from some movie, maybe with Jack Nicholson, I wasn’t sure. It seemed to me one more thing I had to think about. Yet I occasionally thought about it because I heard it often. It was the flavor of the day.

I couldn’t make up a list. I had trouble thinking of even one item, perhaps because I was too busy striving to get things done. When I was a kid in New York City in my room I built a free flight model airplane. It was a big project. I think I went to a park in Queens to try to fly it but I don’t remember it ever getting off of the ground.   I think it was because of engine trouble. Later, between algebra and French verbs there was little time for it and clutter damaged the delicate balsa wood and paper structure.  It was 4 feet wide, too big for a New York apartment. I thought maybe it would be nice to try once again to fly a free flight model airplane. I bought a $39 helicopter from a discount magazine and tried to fly it in my living room. It just careened off of the walls and went crazy, hitting everything with no control. So much for that.

Yesterday, I was cleaning out my outside closet and found a straw basket suitcase from the previous owner. It was attractive and light and just the right size. I opened it and found paper plates, plastic cups, and plastic utensils all neatly wrapped just waiting to be used. Good for a picnic. There, that’s what I miss. My god, I would like a real picnic. Green grass, some flowers, blue sky, some friendly trees, a nice blanket and maybe three other people, all neatly dressed. Manet’s picnic painting comes to mind; only the young lady should put on clothes.  (His flesh tones were always a little muddy.)  How about a butterfly or two?  The only picnics I’ve seen as an adult are at rest stops when traveling, hardly the idea I have in mind. A picnic would be nice, very nice.  Then again, if need be, I have an active imagination and just imagining it will give me some pleasure.  Pass the tea please.

Here's a quick sketch of the basket. Just having a little fun.

5 Comments

Belief and doubt

6/30/2013

36. Past

Spirit

Belief and Doubt

I believe there is a maker but I doubt it all the time. Most ways of believing are of man’s making. It is hard to know if it is from you and from deep inside, or if it is just something you heard, learned, adopted or absorbed and therefore second hand. How does one really test this belief? One way is to distance oneself from it, and if the need returns, and a higher dimension enters your mind and consciousness, it’s a sign there really is an above. After going in other directions you are pulled back to an above. This is a reaffirming sign. Still even this can be deceptive. It might just be your need for a crutch. So you have to continue testing.

At the same time part of you can’t always test. You have to act as if there is a maker, even if you are not fully sure. One can act as if ‘there is’ and at the same time have doubts that ‘there is.’ It is possible to live in two worlds at once, belief and doubt, which is also a sign in and of itself. You can also act as if there isn't and see if you are pulled back to there is. And your quest goes on.

Useful or just about power

6/30/2013

35. Past

Ritual

Useful or just about power

In the Japanese culture during certain times it was acceptable for men to have concubines. It was a ritual full of mannerisms and protocol. On one level this ritual had its place. I'm sure the men could be more honest with the concubines, feeling free to release pent up inhibitions and being catered to in an acceptable way. Yes on one level it was okay. On another level it’s a similar story, that of men asserting their beings and power in a system that allows for them to get all they can. They are simply out for themselves, and sophisticated rituals don't alter this fact. Instead of being humbled by their needs and selfishness, they are comforted and stroked.

Funeral

6/20/2013

11 Comments

34. Present

Vignettes

Funeral

Sharon, a local artist of some renown, said to me, "you know what it's like. I'm afraid for when it happens to me." Well, it did happen this past Sunday and that Tuesday I went to her father's funeral in Florida. My mother has passed on about 2 1/2 years ago. Having a
routine in my life has been hard fought for, and breaking that routine, even for a funeral, is one more adjustment. I was asked to transport Helen, a lady in her 80's, originally from Poland, who had worked at Sharon’s father's blouse factory in Brooklyn for 15 years. Helen
did not receive my help at first graciously. I had to sell myself, and that wasn’t easy because the air conditioner in my car was not working.  Still, her reserve and suspicion was a taste of the old world.

On the funeral grounds I went to ask a manager for directions and he misdirected us. Later, he recognized his error and found Helen and I at the wrong funeral and redirected us.  We barely made it. At the services it was hot and muggy and I felt a bit awkward.
I was surprised to see a lady rabbi. She ended up giving a very appropriate service; quoting David's psalm 23, singing sadly but pleasantly, and kept a nice pace. All around indifferent workmen went about their business so this wasn't easy. This was a mausoleum burial
and we were outside. The older people sat in the middle on chairs, the rest of us stood on the sides. I still felt some resistance, selfishly cautious about becoming too absorbed by the experience.

Sharon then spoke and, performer that she is, animatedly thanked each person for being there, recognizing their sacrifice of time and spoke of each person’s relationship to her father.
Those that made it there had a special place in her heart and she wouldn't forget it. Nice. This, plus a slight rear breeze helped me relax into the moment. Suddenly, my insides started churning, not necessarily in a bad way. I became conscious of death and how everything I did, we all did, seem so irrelevant. I then looked at the older people sitting on the chairs and their frailty and I felt fearful of becoming like them. Then Sharon said her father would be in "heaven," a word I would not expect from her. She wasn't religious at all. Upon hearing this something connected in me. I felt close to the death realm, and saw its immensity and expanse and saw how minute life itself actually was.  It was just one stop on the AA train headed uptown. How could we not live and be conscious of this more? It's almost like we're in a daze. Later I ran into Linda, a local Delray Beach lady active in the arts, local affairs, politics, business, her kids' meanderings, and said we should be closer to this other realm and more removed from everything else. The funeral made this clear. She agreed mightily and then told me she liked a new project I had been working on. Nice to hear.

After giving Helen a lift home we parted with good vibes. She had said she enjoyed meeting me. I then drove to Sharon's place where there were people and food. At first communication was forced and awkward, and I impatiently corrected Sharon's 89 year old mother for taking bites out of food and putting it back on the common table. She said she didn't know what she was doing. Gradually, the men and women, who, for the most part were neat and looked well, began, at least from my perspective, to blend together in a sea of acceptance. Who were we, after all, in comparison to this thing called "death?" We were all humbled and small and hence gentle with one another. We all had this life in common at this particular unique time amidst the vastness of everything. Ah, this event felt normal and everything else seemed strange. Why not huddle when we can?

I finally felt relaxed with myself and some people were comfortable around me because of this. My worries over the future, fears and doubts, mellowed out. Death reaffirmed life and was not closure but an opening to what is more, to what is needed.  The path forward is to look in this direction, and skip hop from hope to faith to wonder and repeat this, bringing our entire selves along including fear and doubt, even if they have to be dragged kicking and screaming.

Homage to Life......

11 Comments

June 14th, 2013

6/14/2013

0 Comments

33. Past

Principles

Living

Blurred Lines

Sometimes good and bad are clear cut, but often not.  In reality, lines are blurred and situations are gray. Yes, a man who abuses a child is clearly wrong. But what if you are caught at a red light and you respond one second late when it turns green and the car behind you hunks. Another time, in the same situation, you are late and the car ahead of you is tardy so you impulsively hunk. You understand both sides and accept the fact that neither is fully right or wrong. This occurs a lot in life. It is life. One experiences one side and then the other.

So the right and wrong become less important than just somehow surviving an encounter with perhaps a touch of acceptance. There is good, there is bad, and there is patience. Somehow by just being patient we are moving towards something that is good, another dimension, or, if one believes, perhaps a maker. When we hold back from judgment we are moving in the right direction.

In this world we learn from doing what is wrong. From doing wrong we learn to appreciate what is right. On the other hand, doing right just to appear right can be a huge ego trap and little more than a vehicle to feel superior to others.  If you are not doing right from the right place, right can be wrong.

So again, right and wrong are less important than the direction in which you are headed.

Comment: 06/13/13

"J"
Hi Steve:
I enjoy receiving your writings. Very deep. I have a lot of stuff going on right now , and don t have the time or energy to really think about what you write. Please keep them coming.
Would you mind if I send them on to my girl friend, I think she would really get a lot out of them. I won t do it until I get the o k from you.................

Response:

"Steve"
I understand. See it as background music where once in awhile something catches your ear. I recall someone telling me a book or a movie might have one phrase that you were meant to hear and that's it. To your friend it's okay and okay.

0 Comments

June 14th, 2013

6/14/2013

0 Comments

32. Past

Mom/Dad

Dad

Good Advice

I know one can learn a lot of lessons from a dad. When your own voice can't be heard you hear his. I recall two bits of advice that don't fail me. Always bring a jacket to a movie or a restaurant. Yes, they do get cold. The second is carry two sets of keys. How often this has served me. I just wish I heard his voice more.

0 Comments

June 14th, 2013

6/14/2013

0 Comments

31. (6/11/13)
Written 2013

Principles

Art and More

I was thinking this morning about art and the many vectors and pulls I’ve had. For a while I tried to refine it into one lean sharp instrument. To some extent I did that, but one can’t just surgically remove the past. Perhaps in the past one could be consistently whole , but the truth is I am made up of pieces. My whole is to accept these pieces.

The previous pulls and influences I now realize had validity in their own right.  They are not to be discounted. They existed for good reason.  They offered or could have their own rewards. I think about this. They were part of life lived, and can’t be rejected.

I think as we go on we have to acknowledge all of ourselves. All the contradictions, the alternatives, the various nuances, the different roads partially taken and partially finished, it’s all us. We are not fully unified. There’s too much to fit into one mold. We have to embrace it all and move on.

This doesn’t mean we drop what we do. We continue just what we do because it is what is before us.  But we are not excluding what was part of us previously.  That exists too and should not be harshly judged. We move forward, are drawn forward but this time we take everything with us, all of ourselves. Somehow, it all has to be accepted, reconciled or even forgiven. A new dimension opens and from this emerging vantage point we get to see more and more of ourselves as we inch our way into the light.

0 Comments

June 14th, 2013

6/14/2013

0 Comments

30. (06/12/13)
The Past

Observation

Blazer Power

Here in Florida people dress down. Much civility is left behind. So this stood in sharp contrast to the norm. On my way to the airport. I was wearing a blue blazer, easier to wear then to carry. At the airport two gentlemen graciously gave me directions to the ticket counter. A porter smiled and went out of his way to tell me where the security check line was. At the security check when I had to remove my jacket a guard was rude. Afterward, jacket on, a ticket agent gave to me all the respect I could ask for. Some woman looked twice. An attractive woman sat near while waiting. What can I say? The power of a simple blazer.

Maggie (Mderouleaux@gmail.com)
06/12/2013 9:32pm

Steve, by wearing the 'blazer' you've found out what women struggle with daily: what you wear counts. It's all about appearance. Go to an upscale dept. store dressed nicely and the staff will fawn all over you. But go the same store somewhat sloppily clad and you'll be ignored-regardless of how much money you were planning to spend on either occasion. Try it as an experiment.

steven (Nussdos@yahoo.com)
06/13/2013 5:20am

The other side of the coin. Nothing is simple. Yes, it is a real burden for women. Have to look the part you don't even want to play. What strikes me is how the clichés really do rule. If you dress like a TV anchorman or a weather woman you get the respect. Seems like people are really coded that way. Will experiment on......

0 Comments

28. Around 3 am

6/14/2013

0 Comments

Past (06/04/13)

Principles

Spirit

Around 3 am

There are some truisms shared orally from various religious and spiritual traditions that strike a chord. One of them is that the early morning hours, particularly around 3 am, are especially good times to receive insights, revelations, instructions, and for letting things
in. It is dark, everything is still, the noise from the day in non-existent, and the mind is vulnerable and open. With time I've learned to value it. If able and up, by accident or not, one can meditate, make an appeal, or just be still. I've learned to use this time and if I become tired afterwards, I can rest and hopefully fall back to sleep.

0 Comments

<<Previous

Steven B. Nussdorf records his lifelong search to find meaning outside of the normal channels. He uses writing, poetry, and drawing to document this effort.

Archives