690. 

Principles
Art

Painting 5

For about 3 years my art, drawings, were at a standstill, capping off a venue that started about 17 years ago.  Part of this was physical, my arm and eyes weakening. Part of it was inherent contradictions in craft that caught up with me.  Part of it was conditions.  I would need full time models of a kind that don't exist that are reasonable and certain lighting and a refinement of my craft beyond my scope. The drawings peaked about 13 years ago and I squeezed out all I could. I even tried to retrain myself but that wasn't it.  The drawings would take more and more out of me and the results were less and less.  I could not maintain the intensity it took. For some of us art goes in spurts and then stops.  Better to accept this and reconcile with it. It's you. So  after three years things had to be rethought.

All along a certain vision was forming from my yearning for spiritual answers.  There was an above and I would have to relate to that somehow in a certain way.  For this  'A New Religion' was created.  It would be new or just emphasize certain aspects of what was already here.  I needed it. My art crashing was a blow.

Next, hope for art surprisingly became clear again.  The new religion created a framework for it, a context.  The art had something to serve, a big vision.  It could help out in a sense.  This was not art for art's sake.  Plus, the pressure to do 'great' art within a certain tradition or framework or set of principles was eliminated, at least in theory. From here on in, anything goes to get something decent done.  I reexamined my roots and settled on using colors, and after trying different mediums started using oils again.  It was difficult because I could not thin with turpentine due to allergies  I tried to adapt somehow.  I recall having a lot of fun pushing around paint as a kid.  Still, progress was slow and old painting traumas one by one had to be revisited.  During this two year period there was a death and all that entails to handle.  Plus doubts, plus health issues, plus, plus, plus and still plus.

What is emerging is something a little primitive, or folk like, not what one would expect , but doable and hopefully solid.    It seems as if I can work this way and go back to it with life and enthusiasm.  Painting 5 is, well, the 5th painting that has emerged.  It is small, 5 by 7', but for some reason it comes out larger on the web.  Some people think it's my father and I, but it's not, unless symbolically.  The work is out of my head, not from nature.  So, from here on in I'll let it speak for itself and, well, continue on.  It's all interesting to say the least.  See you along the way.

689.  Past

Principles

Ritual

What happened to understanding?

This morning I awoke to a busy mind with colliding pulls and vectors clashing within,  I awaited for some unifying force to overtake me, whether from above, or my own reason, or just a spark of energy.  Too much time was spent waiting so still unresolved I up arose before the morning moved on.  Then I recalled this has been the case for a few mornings.  My brain didn't want to go through the machinations of working out an inner harmony.  It required too much effort, but more importantly felt wrong.  A revelation, a special insight, a new understanding seemed too hard. 

What seemed right was just performing some morning rituals, both for health and spirit without thinking too much.  The body and emotions seemed not able to take the pounding inner focusing and struggle entailed.  Something else was needed. I understood the value of traditional religions having preset rituals. Without too much analysis, just by performing certain rituals you were doing good without having to self actualize every minute.  Seemed easier.  The body and mind and spirit had taken a beating over the years and needed comfort in tradition and habit, not more strain.

Without knowing many rituals, I did a brief one and got up.  It was not important I understand from A to Z my soul's purpose.  I just had to get the day started.  Of course this could change tomorrow or be an ongoing trend.  I learned not to be too attached to my conclusions, at least some of them.  And so I was able to begin the day.

688.  Past

Principles

Age

Age

Is intensity as you get older unattractive and foolish and not meant to be? .

687.  Past

Principles

Life

Life itself is wrong

Have you had enough?
Are you tired?
Aren’t you weary?
It’s over. It’s finished.  We’re left just going thru the motions.  We’re shells without insides. We’re like a fine oil painting, but upon looking closer, we have thousands of hairline cracks.  We are cracking from the inside as well as the outside.

If you don’t know this, you’re not honest.  You’re dulled.  You don’t ask enough questions. You are blind to your own predicament.  You might be seemingly lucky, but what you really are is superficial. If you do know this, you are in pain.  You suffer.  You might put together a life of sorts, but none of it seems quite right.  You might even be ok.  You might even master the art of living, but this just keeps you going in an illusion.  There is still something deeply wrong.  You are wrong.  What you are doing is wrong.  Life itself, for you, is wrong.

Now, not only are you cracking on the inside, but the outside is cracking as well.  The world is convulsing with pain.  The heat is up and the kettle is beginning to shake.  The pressure is building.  Big, scary happenings loom in the future.

And now, what is there to hang onto?  What is left?  If there is no meaning, as there seems to be, then what is there? If there is meaning, how is it found?  If it is found, has it been corrupted and is not the real thing? 

We have a dilemma.  It is not enough just to survive.  Something more is needed.

686.

Principles

Art

Art and Release

I was working on a painting last night and was scumbling white over  certain areas whose color tones seemed unrelated and  it was as if  I was going backwards.  I ran from it onto  the computer to view some silly videos and realized the painting was trapping me.  What started a year ago as a simple concept to paint to help illustrate the website 'A New Religion' was feeling like another trap.  The first painting was simple, primitive, but straightforward.  Now some of my partial training was coming into play, making everything difficult again.  Introducing new elements  caused new anxieties.  I could not tolerate it at this point. 

The old training I had received, although not complete, altered my path way back when  perhaps from whatever was truly rooted in me.  It added but took away.  Now I had little tolerance for too much difficulty.  Living had to come first.  I could not do this to myself and put myself through a grinder.  It was going against nature itself.  Any bigger concept or vision could not hurt me or it was not worth it.

Asleep that night I dreamed and recall bowling was in the dream and the term 'bucket list.'  I woke with a desire to bowl.  Possibly I would.  At least I know I could.  Feeling ok with no expectations seemed to take priority.  I almost felt as  would  feel like if a meteor was going to hit the earth and realized it wasn't a good time to stress over too much naples yellow in the flesh.

Later, half up and asleep at the same time, I seemed to hear from above it was okay to pursue the painting, but it wasn't everything, it was a given, it wasn't life itself, it wasn't all important, and it shouldn't cause me too much pain.  It was just another 'thing' in life.

Somehow my spirit felt lighter, less burdened, less weighed down.  For the moment I was released and able to go about my day and life.

685.  Past

Spiritual

The call

Let’s not suppress ourselves.  Let’s reach out and up.  Let’s scream from within and from without.  There is more, there is meaning, there is a maker.  There must be.  The way of life goes one way.  The way of God goes another way.  We have to do both.  Live, but be with God.  It’s hard but it’s the only way.  Reach up, reach out, to Him that made everything. Reach out to others and share this.  Let’s join in this way.  Let it pour forth.  Let it come out of us.  Ah, what a relief. In this there is joy, even for a moment.

684.  Past

Spiritual

Back to God 

I am again brought back to God….that there is just God, and nothing else could be counted on