Art and Release
I was working on a painting last night and was scumbling white over certain areas whose color tones seemed unrelated and it was as if I was going backwards. I ran from it onto the computer to view some silly videos and realized the painting was trapping me. What started a year ago as a simple concept to paint to help illustrate the website 'A New Religion' was feeling like another trap. The first painting was simple, primitive, but straightforward. Now some of my partial training was coming into play, making everything difficult again. Introducing new elements caused new anxieties. I could not tolerate it at this point.
The old training I had received, although not complete, altered my path way back when perhaps from whatever was truly rooted in me. It added but took away. Now I had little tolerance for too much difficulty. Living had to come first. I could not do this to myself and put myself through a grinder. It was going against nature itself. Any bigger concept or vision could not hurt me or it was not worth it.
Asleep that night I dreamed and recall bowling was in the dream and the term 'bucket list.' I woke with a desire to bowl. Possibly I would. At least I know I could. Feeling ok with no expectations seemed to take priority. I almost felt as would feel like if a meteor was going to hit the earth and realized it wasn't a good time to stress over too much naples yellow in the flesh.
Later, half up and asleep at the same time, I seemed to hear from above it was okay to pursue the painting, but it wasn't everything, it was a given, it wasn't life itself, it wasn't all important, and it shouldn't cause me too much pain. It was just another 'thing' in life.
Somehow my spirit felt lighter, less burdened, less weighed down. For the moment I was released and able to go about my day and life.