708.

Principles

Art
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'It's just tennis.'

Years ago I recall reading or hearing an interview with Andre Aggasi and he was being asked  about his moodiness, or isolation, or not speaking to press, or something I don't remember.  His character and actions were being questioned.

His answer to it all was 'It's just tennis.'

After all these years I find often my mood or feeling of well being depends on how I did with my art.  I thought I could be more removed, detached, more zen about the whole thing at this point.  I am not the results is my mantra.  But art is a jealous beast and wants all of you even if you set limits.  Definitely if I am struggling something feels wrong inside me.  And if I do well I feel light hearted.  Often if I have a good session, or a good fifteen minutes, or even a good thought about an approach or problem, I:ll leave the work just so I can feel good for a while.  Sometimes I'll stay away for a day and savor it.

I wish it were different.  I wish I could be 'cooler' about the whole thing.  But part of maturity is acceptance of what is.  If I was able to change these dynamics fundamentally a lot of things would be different.  But I haven't been able to.  So I accommodate, see it for what it is, and see myself for what I am. 

 It's just art.\

690. 

Principles
Art

Painting 5

For about 3 years my art, drawings, were at a standstill, capping off a venue that started about 17 years ago.  Part of this was physical, my arm and eyes weakening. Part of it was inherent contradictions in craft that caught up with me.  Part of it was conditions.  I would need full time models of a kind that don't exist that are reasonable and certain lighting and a refinement of my craft beyond my scope. The drawings peaked about 13 years ago and I squeezed out all I could. I even tried to retrain myself but that wasn't it.  The drawings would take more and more out of me and the results were less and less.  I could not maintain the intensity it took. For some of us art goes in spurts and then stops.  Better to accept this and reconcile with it. It's you. So  after three years things had to be rethought.

All along a certain vision was forming from my yearning for spiritual answers.  There was an above and I would have to relate to that somehow in a certain way.  For this  'A New Religion' was created.  It would be new or just emphasize certain aspects of what was already here.  I needed it. My art crashing was a blow.

Next, hope for art surprisingly became clear again.  The new religion created a framework for it, a context.  The art had something to serve, a big vision.  It could help out in a sense.  This was not art for art's sake.  Plus, the pressure to do 'great' art within a certain tradition or framework or set of principles was eliminated, at least in theory. From here on in, anything goes to get something decent done.  I reexamined my roots and settled on using colors, and after trying different mediums started using oils again.  It was difficult because I could not thin with turpentine due to allergies  I tried to adapt somehow.  I recall having a lot of fun pushing around paint as a kid.  Still, progress was slow and old painting traumas one by one had to be revisited.  During this two year period there was a death and all that entails to handle.  Plus doubts, plus health issues, plus, plus, plus and still plus.

What is emerging is something a little primitive, or folk like, not what one would expect , but doable and hopefully solid.    It seems as if I can work this way and go back to it with life and enthusiasm.  Painting 5 is, well, the 5th painting that has emerged.  It is small, 5 by 7', but for some reason it comes out larger on the web.  Some people think it's my father and I, but it's not, unless symbolically.  The work is out of my head, not from nature.  So, from here on in I'll let it speak for itself and, well, continue on.  It's all interesting to say the least.  See you along the way.

686.

Principles

Art

Art and Release

I was working on a painting last night and was scumbling white over  certain areas whose color tones seemed unrelated and  it was as if  I was going backwards.  I ran from it onto  the computer to view some silly videos and realized the painting was trapping me.  What started a year ago as a simple concept to paint to help illustrate the website 'A New Religion' was feeling like another trap.  The first painting was simple, primitive, but straightforward.  Now some of my partial training was coming into play, making everything difficult again.  Introducing new elements  caused new anxieties.  I could not tolerate it at this point. 

The old training I had received, although not complete, altered my path way back when  perhaps from whatever was truly rooted in me.  It added but took away.  Now I had little tolerance for too much difficulty.  Living had to come first.  I could not do this to myself and put myself through a grinder.  It was going against nature itself.  Any bigger concept or vision could not hurt me or it was not worth it.

Asleep that night I dreamed and recall bowling was in the dream and the term 'bucket list.'  I woke with a desire to bowl.  Possibly I would.  At least I know I could.  Feeling ok with no expectations seemed to take priority.  I almost felt as  would  feel like if a meteor was going to hit the earth and realized it wasn't a good time to stress over too much naples yellow in the flesh.

Later, half up and asleep at the same time, I seemed to hear from above it was okay to pursue the painting, but it wasn't everything, it was a given, it wasn't life itself, it wasn't all important, and it shouldn't cause me too much pain.  It was just another 'thing' in life.

Somehow my spirit felt lighter, less burdened, less weighed down.  For the moment I was released and able to go about my day and life.

 661

Principles

Art

Knowledge and Beauty

On Facebook someone posted a picture of Michelangelo's David which was so startling in it perfection.  Even abstract artists I know were awed by it.

At this point I have begun painting with expression.  I wonder if I'm shortchangingknowledge and beauty. And even if so, should my thrust be altered?  Not really.  I should just keep it in mind as part of the whole. That's a balanced way to view it.

621.

Principles

Art 

Edge

The young man on a post on Facebook spoke of having and needing an edge.  His sharp features, speedboat racing, ambitious astrology served the millennials mantra 'You can have it all.'  He was an edge, a total edge, saying 'To stand out, you need  edginess.'

When talking on the phone with my ex wife Maggie, she spoke of an artist she knew, Stanford graduate, kind of weird, who suddenly was becoming popular.  Maggie said she used gold leafing on her works.  I think I recall seeing them but forget my response.  I know in general gold leafing never really integrates with the rest of a painting.  I said 'it's almost an attention getting device.'  Maggie answered today you need an edge, that they are all looking for edges.

I said 'My art is about searching and internal.  I don't want an edge.  I want to be 'edgeless.'  The gel that connects us is what I seek, not an edge.

Maggie, upon reflection, agreed.

469.  Past

Principles

Art.

A reason for

One of the motivators for doing art is to leave your work on this earth for the future.  This has value.  It gives those following you a sense of history, a sense of not being alone, a sense that it can be done.  So this mark in the sand that you are leaving has a purpose.

468.  Past


Systems

All too young  

He sounded all too young with this talk.  A direct cause and effect, action and then reaction relationship in life is not so discernible.  For a time it might seem so.  But there are underlying vectors, unknown forces that also are at work.  In life “if you do this than that will happen” is not always the case.  Lessons are not always so clear or apparent.  As with an earthquake, millions of dormant unknowns contribute to one outburst.

A better, longer lasting approach is to hold off on wanting immediate answers, and to wait for the mystery of it all to gradually unfold.

(By the way, after some immediate success, five years down the road the young man hurt his back, was broke and looking for any available work.) 

257.  Past

Principles

Art

Not judging their reactions 

Perhaps I have to understand and not judge certain reactions to my art work.

In my life I have pursued the right concept, the right way.  Then, with my art and writing I attempt to reflect this.  To some people, this is not always appealing.

Why?

Perhaps it is the pain of life I address.  They might not want to know of such things.  Perhaps they just want to escape, have some realistic enjoyment and not to dwell on anything larger.  Perhaps things with real content are not always appropriate.  Perhaps life is about escape, escaping the pain of time, aging and loss.  Now I can understand this and why some my efforts can be questioned.  But they are also recording slice of the truth.

344.  Past


Principles

Art

How things unfolded

My initial impulse to do art came from various sources.  Van Gogh, Gauguin, the colorful expressionists, some Russian realists, later Rembrandt, and Andrew Wyeth and Edward Hopper.  All filled my mind.  Then there were always art postcards and small art books from my mom.  Some Faulkner black and white photographs affected me.  Development was scattered and all over the place. For me there was not one consistent evolving direction.  Around the age of nineteen, I was influenced by a man who emulated the Dutch masters and their love of light and dark and depth.  It was good to see and understand their painting achievements and for a while I adopted and conformed to his agenda.  However, while it was his passion, his training in reality was rooted in 19th century principles.  As a result there were gaps in his methods.  His drawing was not sound and his color and value formulas had limitations.  He jumped to the 16th century Dutch masters, but skipping centuries doesn't always work.

Later, seeking a firmer foundation, I studied with an end of the line student of a lineage dating back to the 19th century French Academy.  It was a watered down tradition.  One drew optically, as one sees, that is, as light and shade hit the retina.  In a sense you were a slave to visual phenomena. Knowledge of structure, proportion, and anatomy were underplayed and hence there was a loss of freedom of expression.  Some good was there, as with long poses and consistent lighting, but the training I felt violated my senses.

Years later after many defeats and some victories, I discovered a younger man who became quite accomplished in the art of painting in the manner of the Dutch masters.  His thinking was clear, and his painting had beauty.  Within the confines of what I would have wanted to achieve within this agenda of the old masters, he had accomplished a lot.  As much as is possible and more than anyone I knew or had run across or heard of, he had pulled it off.  He became a painter's painter.

Previously I attributed my stumbling to New York where I grew up.  Too hard, too jagged, too much.  My parents were also partly responsible, too unstable, not enough backing and tranquility.  And responsibility goes also to the schools, the early one where you were just a number, the junior and high school that was progressive, modern, and scoffed at technique and tradition.  The school was liberal but basically worshiped success. It was elitist in its own way. Perhaps I envied Andrew Wyeth, brought up in a country setting, removed from canned education, allowed to evolve and be nurtured in a tranquil setting.

The younger man grew up in the same city I did and had to deal with it, went to Columbia so had some academic pressure, went against the grain and achieved impressive skills through hard well directed efforts.  He asked the right questions.  He had a good background, encouraging parents, a heritage to lean on, money, good appearance and he wasn't broken.  He didn't rebel or conform, but followed his interest.

Earlier I had studied with the teacher of someone who influenced this artist, who had wrestled with the same historical issues, but did not complete the journey.  This young artist did all that and I admire him.  He came from the same background as me but with different ingredients pulled something off.  I was an early scout who never finished the journey.

Later, in all honesty, I realized the Dutch painting agenda, or the classical realism agenda, influenced me, but was not my essence.  My essence came earlier.  While having many influences, it never evolved into one way of working.  Instead, it consisted of surges in various directions, each pure in intent but only semi related.

Much later, I picked up all these pieces and created a body of work with a different focus.  There is promise in what I do even though it's still a battle.  As an artist I'll probably never reach my full potential (too many gaps in time missing) but a statement with meaning is within my grasp.