94.  Past

Principles

Art

Middle road

The middle road
with my art
is kind of working
and kind of not.

Is what I call
the "spiritual move"
the only move
for the art
and  for myself?

If so what a risk
what a risk.                                                                     1

92.  Past


Principles

Psychology

Subconscious and conscious mind

This is another take on psychology and processing.  In normal psychology
the subconscious lies beneath the conscious.  The subconscious consists of
our underlying internal driving motivation and needs, not all known to the
conscious mind.  The conscious mind is what we are aware and cognizant of
in terms of our behavior and reasons for what we do.  The goal is the
alignment between the conscious and subconscious mind.  In this paradigm,
the subconscious is the chief author of our emotional and mental drives.

Another paradigm places the conscious mind above the subconscious mind. 
Along this line of reasoning, the conscious mind chooses how we should act in
line with how we believe, and then controls, edits and tempers the subconscious
mind to act accordingly.

So if your conscious mind knows it's wrong to steal the candy, and your
subconscious impulse is to steal it, the conscious mind through discipline and
control dictates restraint.  In this way the higher consciousness controls
the lower consciousness.

93.  Past

Observation

Oh glorious meditation

For awhile it was like magic,
you sit still and just look at your thoughts
and suddenly your fingertips tingle and vibrate
and your insides  fill with a lighted energy
that bursts from deep within.

Oh glorious meditation with your sparkling lights
and intricate patterns that probe and reveal.

Even you, a golden tool and gem of this life
offer no protection from who I am
and what I face during my day.

I wanted and expected more than this.
and after receiving the gift of seeing
the cure still eludes me.                                                    2

91. Past

Principles

Living


Professionalized 

I'm claiming to talk about meaningful things, to read between the cracks and
corners of life, looking for clues.  Sometimes a thinker can emerge from
such observations, sometimes a humorist.   The danger is that
observations can become hardened, professionalized, institutionalized. 
Hence it becomes flat.  If a humorist becomes professionalized, all becomes
cold instead of wonderful.





 



 
 

90.  Past

Parents

Mom

Finally a team 
  
I showed mom some prints of my drawings and she pointed out errors in them. 
In the drawing "Meditation" the hair was too dark (I had to add it on), in "Two
Injuries" the lifted arm was too small, in "Jane's Old Toe Shoes" the lace was
too light and in "Looking at the World" (a drawing I was pleased with) she
thought my arm was in a sling.

We agreed that before each work was finished I would send her a copy to
criticize (she was 87, 88 at this point).  Well, I'll take it, we were finally a
team.

89.  Past

Reason for writing

Various reasons 3      

If I reach others and they confirm what I suspect, then all these years have
not been for naught.  At some point I needed meaning and proper training
and this was not obtained.   I would never be as good as I could have
been.  Youth and energy were lost.  What replaced it was just a quest
for meaning which took decades.  Expression in the arts was on hold. 
Living a life was on hold.  All for the cause of learning to listen for
what is true.

After concluding I have done all I could do, and strongly suspecting I
reached a meaningful shore, art and writing have returned, and a chance to
connect with others who have felt strange also is there.  If my efforts
expand and are fed, it can be a sign this whole time was not for naught. 
There would be a story to the whole thing, the pain, the search, the
reward.  If this doesn’t expand and flower, I will still be left with
meaning, but the story would be of my own making, a vanity, an illusion.

Leonardo to paraphrase once said it is sad when concept outstrips
performance.  He is observing the laws correctly.  However, having
waited for the right concept to pursue, and put everything else on hold, I
wonder if this is the exception.  The hope is that concept, once found, can
overcome simply because it is right.  This is a reason why this work is
being done, to see if this is so.

88.


Principles

Psychology

Power struggle

My acquaintance/friend Tina, who has studied astrology, made a poignant
observation.

First, my views on astrology. Very often its observations seem somewhat
accurate. Of course they are limited by the perspective of the reader. 
Astrology is based on a flaw, that being the earth is the center of the
universe.  However, many philosophies and religions have a flawed premise,
and still truths are built around them.  Even a flaw, if consistently held
up, is a standard to measure everything else by. Astrology also omits a maker,
an above, which for me limits its depth and understanding.  But it is a
multi-century old tool, to be looked at if your path crosses it.

So, the gem of insight Tina received  she claimed applied to both of us,
and was related to the 'north node.'  She said in this life we seek peace
because we were both born into a 'power struggle.'  Wow.  It explains
so much.  It seems as if there was a battle for position from the beginning
with all the players in my life, all jealously guarding their turf. Perhaps
limited resources was the cause.  I've heard psychological explanations,
spiritual and religious interpretations, but never heard it phrased like this.
Who would assume from birth, instead of occupying a place that was preset, one
had to justify and fight for that place? For some of us that's how it was and
the script continues throughout life.  When hearing this I felt a release
which is a sign of 'truth recognized.' Of course to some extent this is a
universal characteristic, but for a few this is life defining.

Family members can be nice, even loving, but still out for there own
importance, their own power.  Human attributes can be added, such as
kindness, concern, charm and sacrifice, but with the core dynamics being power
sought, in such an environment one can never fully trust nor rest.

86.  Past

Vignette  

Here was joy

At night, as sometimes we did, I took a walk with my friend Ruth.  She
would call and say “you wanna walk?”   I experienced something
special that night.  A bright, clear, penetrating moon was out. It was as
if swirling masses of twinkling lights of gold emerged through space and time, a
river of energy and light.  They bubbled up and out, a flow of hope, of
enchantment, of playfulness. This is what I recall from some years ago.
              
For many years I wanted to value the joy out of life, to save it in a
sense.  And here was joy, seen in round waves of light during a full clear
moon in full glory.

87.

Principles

Voids

Filling the void 

God creates a void and then withdraws himself.  We fill the void and
wonder what happened to him, or even if he exists.

85. Past

Principles

Living
 
Failure      
 
Life exists in time and time ends.  With such a destiny even a
successful life disappoints.   Life ends.

A well lived life, or a life not well lived, either will not last. 
Total success should be ongoing, forever.  We are not.  So we all
fail.  This should humble us and lead us to deeper questions.

An example is the love for a woman.  Our love for her is true, but is
not able to preserve her or cushion her from her end.  We must seek higher
ground for that.  The love for a woman can divert us from this.  We
still eventually have to look to where we are going.  That is
important.  We can bring a partner along, but that partner can't replace
the direction.  For a time it might be a good thing, in that we are forced
to care for another, become giving rather than being self-centered.  This
is a step in the right direction. But the love for a woman isn't the
direction.  All it can do is point towards the direction.