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How did I know....

4/26/2015

310. Past

Belief

How did I know?

Did I stay still and observe
watching streams of thoughts
until I knew?

Was I sitting amidst the darkness
until a point of light appeared
that made sight possible?

When in pain and anguish
appealing for help
was there an answer?

How did I know?

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Bubbling up

4/26/2015

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309.

Spiritual living

Bubbling up

Early in the morning I thought of the coming day and the regimented list of things to do. I even thought of the drawing I plan to start, after a lay off of sorts. I imagined the pose, laying it in, how I would handle the lighting (always difficult) and approach doing the folds.

Then my thoughts changed. I knew I needed to touch some joy somehow. An image came to my mind of a darkened street scene with tear like balloon shapes of energy rising upwards. It was as if the whole atmosphere consisted of these shapes springing skyward.

I then felt like drawing, with pastels, upward strokes of bright colors. My whole demeanor felt lighter, not heavy. Perhaps I forced this feeling, perhaps not. Pastels have been on my mind. A female friend I have told me she has tons of extra pastels and she would give me some. I'll probably just blurt out a spontaneous pastel at some point. First I'll pick up some pastels this week. For now I'll just feel and go with this bubbly feeling. The lightness is what I need.

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I have come to realize....

4/26/2015

1 Comment

308. Past

Statement

I have come to realize....

These things I have come to realize.

That there is a presence, an above, a superior intelligence that is conscious, sympathetic and concerned despite all the evidence and experience and logic that points to the contrary.

That everything in this life cannot be taken too seriously. Philosophies are flawed, concepts are flawed, reason is flawed, and principles and ideas are found wanting. They are useful but flawed. Time passing exposes their cracks.

Learned late but nevertheless learned is that the needs of the body and mind require some playfulness and joy as part of their ingredients. To survive for any serious length of time they are a necessity. Their absence leads to rigidity, illness and more.

Finally, to come to any meaningful realizations one has to have some time for stillness, where one is not “on.” This doesn’t mean you have to do nothing, but it does mean you can’t be preoccupied all the time. If this is not done voluntarily, sometimes life has a way to force us to be still. This might be painful but in the long run, needed.

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What am I doing?

4/26/2015

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307.

Reason

What am I doing?

The pain did drive me to the maker and to cry out in many ways so I would feel less alone and that will continue until it just stops or is somehow transformed.

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After Passover

4/13/2015

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309. Past

Principles

Meaning

After Passover

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After Passover (text for pic)

4/13/2015

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308. Past

Leading

After Passover (This occurred a number of years ago with my old friend Ruth.)

After Passover we sat on the couch facing the big window. All was still, quiet, with another dimension present The sky was black, street lights and starlights dancing across it. Ruth said "what is the purpose of it all?" I recalled the song by Peggy Lee which had a line "is that all there is." I shared this. I also added a roughly accurate line from Shakespeare "life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Yes what is the purpose of it all? I said there must be a God, otherwise this nothingness would be too devastating

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Why?

4/13/2015

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307. Past

Principles

Art

Why?

The reason for the sketches is not to forget moments.

For a period of time I attempted brief, sketch like drawings. The attempt was to capture and preserve moments that would otherwise be forgotten. I did this awhile, but did not continue. While a valid endeavor, it was not second nature at the time, and it was difficult to fit in. Perhaps it will show up again in some related way.

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Truth

4/12/2015

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306. Past

Principles

Truth

Truth

We jockey for position, and then define our beliefs in contrast to what others believe. Our belief partly comes from our experience, partly from a combination of other various beliefs all tied together.

In reality the truth is so vast and all-encompassing that compared to what we believe, our only honest response should be one of humility.

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Still wanting more

4/12/2015

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305.

Family

Dad

Still wanting more

What is one to do if the dynamics are still the same, even after all these years?

I was not feeling well and was on the phone with my dad and told him so. Usually somewhat distant, or really self involved, he said he would call me up over the next two days to see how I was. I don't expect much from him but this was a nice gesture.

The first day I didn't hear from him nor the second day up until the afternoon. Then I called him and he said he was preparing his taxes and was preoccupied. I said couldn't you just leave a note on the refrigerator to give me a quick call. He said he was doing the best he could and started as he often does to get defensive. Something in me was angered and I wouldn't let go. I was disappointed. Once again I wanted what wasn't there. I know he is very elderly but this was nothing new and buttons were pushed and I wasn't able to be above it. Like it or not, sometimes our patience is just not there.

So what was one to do? Nothing has changed. My dad never was held responsible for his actions. Everything could be rationalized away. If I accepted this without judgment it just builds. It is hard to give this a 'pass' once again. On the other hand I know my actions, right or wrong, somehow pressure him and also seem unfair. But that is the larger picture, and in the here and now I occupy my shoes.

I could be polite and mannered with him while being distant for a time. Silence works for a while but is still drastic and leaves a bad taste. This would hurt his sense of the family being ok. The resultant void would cause some pain but not really resolve things. Lessons I have observed aren't really learned this way. The only plus with this approach is that for a time there is a lack of irritation.

So both paths don't really work. What is really needed is to thread the needle, intricately moment by moment responding accurately to what is called for. I can do this for a time, but I can't hold it. Instead of my core being rock like solid, it's raw innards become exposed. Time handles many things but hasn't handled this of of yet. Emotions easily bully the light of stillness and peace and calm. I'll just have to wait and let things settle into some kind of larger knowing.

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Trust your need for help

4/12/2015

7 Comments

304. Past

Leading

Trust your need for help

When one has all these doubts and uncertainties, because nothing really works, the only true response is one of humility. Thinking you have certain answers is just an illusion. One should be humbled by this. This humility creates the need for help. Following this need for help might lead some to ask “is there a maker” and “can I get help from such an entity?” Since all human solutions have been tried and haven’t succeeded, relief has to come from another source. After eliminating various sources, one comes eventually to the right source, a God, a real God. This can be a long path of questioning, discovering, testing, and feeling. But if there is a solution, it should be consistent, and at the end of the road it should be the same for all of us, or for all of us who look. There are many detours and obstacles and stop off points along the way. Your need for help, free uncompromising help, is your only directive towards the right source.

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Steven B. Nussdorf records his lifelong search to find meaning outside of the normal channels. He uses writing, poetry, and drawing to document this effort.

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