439. 

Spiritual living

Fluctuating

In one sense I feel God's
touch on every move I make
and there are lessons and meanings
in each separate moment.

In another sense there is chance
and life often seems arbitrary
and God is more like a friend
than someone in full control.

438.

Principles

Living

Having it hard 

Some of you had it hard  when young and at times during adulthood.  I'm not talking about being brought up working in the coal mines.  You might have had middle class surroundings but supports weren't there.  Pressures, being drained, no real back up, having to please to live, neglect, all might have played a part in your upbringing.

For a time in adulthood you became super strong or super disciplined to make up for it.  Or you even sacrificed to help someone or to serve a vision or a belief.  Maybe you got scared and did the safe thing, conformed and forced yourself to get this degree or government job.  Or maybe you did pursue that dream, recklessly going against common sense and your well being.  You thought if you struggled enough after a while there would be smooth sailing.

What I tend to see in the aftermath with aging peers is that if you did have it hard   something has been extracted that you don't get back.  It's not as if there is a judge saying this was hard and I'll make it easier.  That would have made sense.  Rather there has been a toll extracted from your physical and mental being and the wear and tear of this often reflects in physical difficulties and breakdowns.  Life was not a game to be played and then put away.  There really was damage done if you had it hard in some ways at the beginning.  Physically alone there is a cost.

One does pay for that later in life.

Some, who do have the supports in place, build and go through life in a somewhat orderly manner.  They of course age but because they carry less trauma their center is in tact.  They even could handle more difficulties at times because they had a base they could build upon.  Are they conscious?  Not necessarily.  Are they aware?  Not necessarily.  But they do not seem to absorb the hits those of you who have had it hard have trouble with.  They are not on the line as much.  Even so, if you've had it hard and continue to do so, you are forced to dig deep and deeper to find compassion and self acceptance for yourself.  In a seemingly backhanded way you arrive at the light deep within you.

437.  Past

Theology

  
A companion but not a substitute

If you seek God when feeling empty, and this fills your needs, you are kept from getting what you need in this life.  Your needs have to be met in the here and now.  If you are hungry, do you seek God?  No you eat something real.  While seeking the maker is behind everything, it can’t be a replacement for living.  Often people use it as such and their life goes nowhere and they even end up bitter about “God.”  Their reasoning becomes: “God, I sought you, sought only you and my life is bad and has gotten worse.  How can this be?”  Well, God is there in the background, but our needs in this world have to be filled by this world.  This is how to live.  Keep God in the background, a companion, but not a substitute.  In handling this life, we eventually come to appreciate the 'above' without having to force it.

436.  Past

Principles

Psychology

Power

I was speaking on the phone to an acquaintance/friend who is somewhat sophisticated in the esoteric art of astrology.  The conversation had to do with some of our similarities in our backgrounds reflected in what is called the 'north node.'

Let me digress and give an opinion on astrology.  I am often suspect of it, and I don't invest total faith in it.  However, often its descriptions seem somewhat close to reality, more so than just chance.  Granted readings, no matter how accurate, are limited by the depth of the practitioner.  Astrology is based on a flaw by claiming the earth is the center of the universe.  It also makes no reference to a 'maker, an almighty.'  So why do I give it credibility?

Well, as far as the latter, you can  be a good electrician and still be an atheist.  As per the former, a false premise does not negate the verity of what is built around it.  Many truths surround a lie.  Much of modern science is based on bad science premises, yet some accomplishments have been made, even if full potential was never reached.  Further, in the metaphysical realm, if the world is an illusion, astrology remains an illusion that sometimes appears real. 

Anyhow, my friend had an interesting and profound observation of our pasts.  It actually stopped me in my tracts.  I thought I had given enough time  analyzing all realizations from my past.  I had explored the psychological need to understand the roots of the problem and the spiritual need to forgive and free oneself from ongoing resentments that don't easily disappear.  However, I was taken aback.  I realized the effects of our pasts go deep, very deep.  After all, they altered our true natures, altered our course of life, and allowed discordance to enter.  It is not enough to say I understand, and I forgive and forget.  The past is not a test to be passed and then to graduate into a beautiful human being.  It is not necessarily only about moving forward.  It might seem that way, but actually it is about returning to your original state and navigating obstacles that altered this.  You had it, lost it, and have to figure out how.

When I heard what I heard I felt a release, which is a sign of recognition of comfort with some deep truth.  so here it is.  My friend said that we were born into a 'power struggle.'  This explained so many things.  It explained why my past was like a battle from the beginning even until the present.  If one replays the scenario from one's past, then this is why.  Of course this is somewhat universal, but in particular defined my past. Family members can be nice, even loving, but still out for their own importance, their own power.  Human attributes can be added, such as kindness, charm, sacrifice and so on, but with core dynamics being the seeking of power. In such an environment one can never fully trust nor rest.

435. 

Vignette

Playing God

I woke up at 3am and decided to take a look at the moon. When I lived in New York I could not just hop out into the open so easily.  Anyhow, the sky was clear, full of stars, the moon was about 3/4 full and bright, and I said 'How's my child.'  I felt I was it's mother/father.

Sometimes I play God.

434.

Principles

Nature

That's it hurricane Matthew?

Well, the hurricane came and went and for a while all focus was upon it.  Here, in southeastern Florida  it was a real test on one's nerves.  The 145 mph winds stays in one's psyche, especially if one recalls the power of 85mph winds.  Where I live in my town of Boynton Beach we are 8 miles off the coast which fell in the cone of possibilities.  Watching weather reports was almost a meditative experience if  one could get around the self importance of the reporters.  Channel 25, especially on Facebook, had reporting that seemed to not take themselves too seriously.

Anyhow, a neighbor at first wanted to stay with me because she didn't want to be alone and later decided to go to a shelter, asking me to join her.  Her descriptions of it were not as dire as I would have thought .Still I explained I have my work and valuables here and have to protect it all with all I've got.   However, her point was valid.  The winds of 145mph  could take a life with a direct hit and I was humble about my decision to stay. I was not alone. A few neighbors also remained and we shared notes.  As this is not a journal of the hurricane, I'll move on to the metaphysical points I'd like to make.

At some point it seemed as if the hurricane would parallel the coast and not make landfall near me.  Boynton was located right before the point where it might make impact.  Hence, the storm would be 30 to 60 miles offshore.  As it turned out, it stayed off shore at that distance and for a few hundred miles up the coast so we were spared.  Later, it hit northern Florida, Georgia, South and North Caroline with tons of water and flooding and power outages to almost a million, so it was not a joke.  But  as said we were fortunate. 

Alone in the apartment though, one is isolated with one's fears and helpless in a way to larger forces.  You have to make peace with a lot.  You also think of the worse and make peace with that.  You are vulnerable to the laws of nature, you are helpless to the above.  If one does believe in a maker, there are two ways to view it.  The first is that life has a life of its own, and things happen that respect the natural laws, and sometimes God is removed from activities, whether by choice or because of the limitations of how these laws are set up. The second approach is more spiritual.  One is humbled and on one's knees and simply can't take anymore and asks for help from the divine and if it is in the maker's will you are heard.   Of course these are rough distinctions and many other subtle layers exist.

I can only speak for this area and the people I run across, but many are handling all they can handle and are already close to being overwhelmed.  Total destruction for these people would be just that, too much to handle.  They are juggling a lot, and perplexed already.  Perhaps some fear, some basic human emotions, some primal instincts can clear their overburdened brains and in a sense clarify who they are to themselves.  Perhaps it is important to see what they can count on when all seems at risk.  Perhaps on their knees some arrogance and self absorption and preoccupation is lost. So, with all this being said, I think a total hit would have been too much too handle in this area, but a close encounter can lubricate and clear the spiritual arteries and spiritual brain cells.  In short, people here are under enough pressure so a good scare has some value, but total devastation serves no higher purpose.  This is the hurricane seen from my vantage point in story format.

So, if God works this way, and my feelings are right, this is why I felt we would not be directly hit and why it turned out so.  Of course this can just be conjecture, and it is dangerous to fool one's self, but it also can be how things work.  I know something is completed in myself when I view things from this perspective.

Along these lines reader and Facebook friend A, a local artist of some renown, posted a picture of some  Boca Raton houses on the inlet  right after the hurricane passed.  The houses were serene and the clouds hung like  a London fog and she said, “That's it hurricane Matthew?”  After all the hype and turmoil a peaceful night was to be had according to her.  A reader of hers commented, “It is wrong to tease the  hurricane.  Believe me I know.  Have a little more humility.”  I paraphrase here but his point is very well taken.  We just received some mercy and then she just waved a red flag. The 'U' Matthew was supposed to make returning to us but didn't could have been 'unfinished business.'

The morning before the night the hurricane was supposed to hit us, neighbor C showed on Facebook a picture of she and her husband drinking with company near the shore  They had done their prep work and decided to live it up.  I wrote they should not be so cavalier before the forces that be. Her response was understanding.  I mentioned to neighbor Tom about the post and we both agreed a humble demeanor is called for.  Of course one can't force this, or pretend to be if one isn't, but just common sense dictates certain appropriate reactions are  well, more appropriate.

And so, life goes on with another identifiable notch in our belts, hopefully inching closer to a larger understanding and harmony.

433.  Past

0bservations

A longing

With time, appreciating nature itself, its beauty, its workings, while enthralling, is still not enough, not the biggest picture.  What is amazing is that we can be “amazed” at it.  But being amazed at something implies being separated from it.  We are from another place.  This realization of beauty makes us aware of this other place.  We are thankful but still separated.  For a moment we share with beauty this other place, but then it is gone.   We have to move on.  We are left with a longing.

432. 

Vignettes

Trip to New York (June 2016, Part 4, HS reunion, Finale)

Peter and I spoke.  He had left  our school to attend an all boy's school.  He was a sensitive soul and became a guidance counselor.  He said the all boys school was jockish  but from various staff there were some homosexual advances.  I had previously shared this with Jimmy and Jodie.  Peter said he never mentioned this to his parents.  I recalled how one time a group of tough kids attacked me and held a knife to my throat.  They didn't do anything and I returned home, didn't say a thing, and did my homework.  I found it strange that from supposedly protective backgrounds we were exposed to so much and if nothing happened nothing was mentioned.  I suppose getting ahead was the driving force and you ignored the dangerous elements of the city if they didn't stop you.  One time I was pushed by another kid while I was climbing over a spiked fence and was spiked and when I returned home my mother said you are always getting into trouble.  I think the pressures to succeed and get ahead left little room for empathy in some cases.  The surrounding environment could be hostile and you just weaved your way through it.  If you stood your ground you could lose a lot of ground so eventually you backed off.

Anyhow, it was raining and Terry's wife said we could have gone into the back yard  if it was sunny.  This part of Brooklyn had been redone and it was very nice.  The streets were wider than the village with a safe feeling although the steel gated doors hinted otherwise.  Terry, seemingly still very liberal, and intellectual, asked me some questions about what I have been doing.  I said I had been doing some art and had an up and down time of it.  He asked what else I did and I said I did what I had to in order to stay in the game.  He said its something one can't leave and one returns to it.   Later he betrayed this artistic loyalty as he mentioned his grand child and said his best times were spent being a grandfather.  He added its more enjoyable than being a parent because you can leave when you have had enough.  I said so cliches are right, and he wholeheartedly agreed.  Marvin at some point seemed to feel the only place I messed up was by not having kids.  He said that was a mistake.  I knew he planned on his daughter caring for him when he got old.   Marvin was practical.  True, if one is aging and single, you wonder about this.  Later at night Marvin called me and said he planned to leave the city in a couple of years.  Maybe I thought when his full benefits kicked in. He lived way uptown in the 100's and said the city was  getting dangerous  and he was concerned about getting knifed or cut.  It wasn't safe.  I did sense some tension on the streets.  A lot of the rough edges had returned from the cracks.  You could feel it near where my father lived on 23rd street and in certain other neighborhoods. Many people were surprisingly polite, but the loose ends were not suppressing themselves.  When Bloomfield was mayor it felt safer.  Upward mobility had replaced anger for a time.  Now I felt a reversal.  I'm sure the Upper East Side did not have this tension, and Gramercy Park was still safe, and Woody Allen's hangouts were still going strong.  But among certain people the anger was coming out and the laws weren't on our side if you had to stand up to it.   My dad had said there were many poorer people around who didn't care.  Back to Marvin.  He said he would go to California near his brother or come to Florida.  Always having an eye for the women, he asked me to go on a vacation with him.  If not that he said he would visit me in Florida.  Another classmate, Tom, who came to high school in the 10th grade, somewhat late, slightly an outsider but also an observer, said he bought a place near where I live and when he comes down we can get together. 

Upon getting ready to leave Debby said, 'Well, see everybody in five years.”  It was sad in a way.  We weren't from a small  town where lives were intertwined.  We were mostly in different orbits going further from the center and the gravitational force to pull us together wasn't strong enough.  We experienced the rough world and even though we were in general not a happy cheerful bunch and knew each other too well because the school was small, there was a yearning to be close and close to our beginnings.  I felt bad I couldn't deliver on this need.  Painful.

So a bunch of us took the subway back to the city and we sat and talked a bit.  I think Dave asked how I got to Florida and I answered to him and Marvin what a gallery owner had said to me when I wondered the same thing, which was, 'it's where I landed.'   Dave added, maybe somewhat reflective, 'yeah, on all fours.'  Marvin was on the other side of me.  Both were lean and nice looking but the stress of New York had stamped their faces.  Both Dave and Marvin were divorced and life had not been a cakewalk.  I definitely was not a retire playing golf who once in a while visited the kids.  Earlier in the evening  he asked me if I was retired and I hemmed and hawed and said I still have to think about money. 

At another stop people flooded in, many young people, girls in skimpy shorts, young faces, preoccupied faces, self important faces.  We could not hear each other as we spoke and our link to each other  became less solid.  The world, the youth, the times kept on flooding in and we had to gracefully  keep our balance for the future.

                                                       (The End)

431.  Past

Principles

Systems, patterns and understanding

More on Structure

If you’re too structured you’ll end up focused on money and practicalities and efficiency and this will leave you dry.  You might build your structure around a real inspiration and realization, even a breakthrough.  It seemed the right thing to do, the right foundation, the right decision.  However, the structure and activities that follow are not the same as the inspiration itself.  It eventually goes stale, becomes routine and you wonder what went wrong.  The vision was good, how could the offshoots go bad?  Wasn’t this the right way to go about things?  And then to escape you run to the television, the computer, phoning people, activities, socializing, and on and on.  But you are not content because you feel something is wrong.
 
Well, you can’t drop everything.  Give yourself space to look at it all objectively.  One can work within the structure, but not be so attached to it.  Perhaps approach it with a more playful look and see attitude.  This will relieve the pressure. Your structure should be a vehicle, not an end.  You’ll forget, but then you’ll remember.  Try to have enough courage to hold onto this attitude.

530.  Past

Principles

Friendship

Friendship unexplained

Friendship can’t be planned or forced. Either they’re meant to be or not.  My friend Scott seemed loyal for a time, but the friendship gave way to have his needs met before everything else.  Loyalty, even the concept and ideal of what it means to be a friend, can simply interfere with what one has to do.  If the friendship remains, it’s not because of a conscious decision to keep it but rather from unexplained forces that throw you together with or without your consent.