(Both observations stem from 154 Observation 1 and 2 of last week. If able review for context.)
Also that night my thinking had traveled to my lower right molar which years ago had a root canal, and now had a fistula. The tooth seemed somewhat loose in its socket. I have been conscious of alternative dentistry for a long time but during a certain period did have some root canals done to my dismay. Theories had it that since they were dead teeth dangerous bacteria could grow around them, inserting themselves into the surrounding bone and in the organs and sinuses which could explain some of my situation. Many dentist oriented in this direction favored removal of all root canals. Others favored more moderately retreatment. In either case it was a lot to think about and possibly a lot of money. People who had their root canals removed felt relieved, others regretted it. There was no clear and answer and you were on your own.
A few years ago I was pondering my situation and not sure what to do. Were my sinuses related to my root canals? Anyhow, feeling overwhelmed I made appeals to the above. At some point I seemed to hear 'my teeth would be protected as they were.'; Hmmmm. In a sense this was very relieving even though I often doubted it when my sinuses bothered me. I also felt I had this word from above that should be upheld. In a sense it was a test I had for the verity of my relating to him and even for God's existence itself.
Often I was not sure how my dental situation would resolve itself. As per this fistula, it wasn't really bothering me. It was slightly loosening within its socket. I realized this was a natural, gradual resolution to the problem, a subtle moving forward. It was changing things slowly, as I could absorb them. In a sense God's word was being kept. I didn't need to initiate anything.
Slowly, imperceptibly., there was resolution. It was not just an all out attack on me by outer forces. There seemed to be a process where I was easing out of certain situations as I was able to handle them.
That morning I stood up and entered the kitchen, somewhat in a daze. The night had been full of intrigue and battles. I was moving slowly as if I had survived an ordeal. What came upon me though was the appreciation of it all. The suffering and the mysterious solutions and my being part of it all was nothing less than a miracle. Here I was in this miracle, as both a player and an observer.
For a time I had been struggling with my drawings. Observing shapes and values when I drew was no longer working. Where to go from here? After the previous night written about, later that day I continued a drawing from a cast that I wasn't happy with. Suddenly it was as if I was returning to an early love. I began to observe the forms from light to dark. Instead of just observing light and dark, I paid attention to the volume and shape of the forms. I actually enjoyed doing it. It seem to be connected to an early love, an early motivation to do art. It has been said each person's art is related to a simple spark, such as the turning of form or the capturing of a color value. I was describing form and using light and dark to do so.
Perhaps this marked a new beginning, a spark of enjoyment which might lead to a renewal Perhaps this speaks to the night before, where feeling the pain of existence I rejected God only to be reconvinced. Perhaps this also speaks to the laws of life where a seeming compensation is rewarded after a certain struggle and amount of pain. Wonderment and appreciation have such humble beginnings.