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Whatever I had

7/24/2014

2 Comments

 
184.  Past




Personal


Whatever I had  

  
I realize I could never have risked being too vulnerable when training as an artist.  My upbringing made no sense. It was as if a black hole was beneath me and I could sink at any minute.  There was little peace.  So I uplifted myself, unconsciously grabbed some safe achievements and won an art contest and received recognition.  For a brief time it offered some importance, covering up a sea of indifference and lack of understanding that I received during my development.

When I realized I needed a foundation in art, and I tried to obtain this, I found out all the training offered was insufficient.  Yet I could have tried to make the most of it but from my situation I couldn't.  I was not able to give up a sense of specialness.  Without this I felt I had nothing.  To train and evolve in a certain system would be a letdown, because it could not live up to my expectations.  I was stained.  So I was not able to fully invest myself into the training.  Couldn't risk it or fully stick with it.  All I could do was grab a little here and there.

Later, when I lost everything, I became invisible.  Not in touch with family, I supported myself anyway I could. I traveled as a man alone and tried to nurture myself without any backup.  I waited to see what would emerge.

Then, with whatever training and practice I had garnered from my past, I attempted to make a statement.  Some skills from the past were semi-developed, not as much as I would have liked, but I used whatever I had for the final statement of my life.






2 Comments
Maggie
7/25/2014 02:47:27 am

There is great vulnerability in being an artist. As someone with no training (but some innate talent) the feelings of exposure were tremendously intense: "who was I to put myself out there with those who were so much more gifted to skilled than I?" I remember the feelings well. But the bottom line? It's really what's in the actual artist's head that matters. What others think or say is their issue.
Of course, if one expects to make a living at it, criticism, desirability, perceived 'value' all matter. But the bottom line exists at the level of the actual maker the piece.

Reply
steven
7/25/2014 08:23:09 pm

All very true...!

Reply



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    Steven B. Nussdorf records his lifelong search to find meaning outside of the normal channels.  He  uses writing, poetry, and drawing to document this effort.

    Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.

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