Whatever I had
I realize I could never have risked being too vulnerable when training as an artist. My upbringing made no sense. It was as if a black hole was beneath me and I could sink at any minute. There was little peace. So I uplifted myself, unconsciously grabbed some safe achievements and won an art contest and received recognition. For a brief time it offered some importance, covering up a sea of indifference and lack of understanding that I received during my development.
When I realized I needed a foundation in art, and I tried to obtain this, I found out all the training offered was insufficient. Yet I could have tried to make the most of it but from my situation I couldn't. I was not able to give up a sense of specialness. Without this I felt I had nothing. To train and evolve in a certain system would be a letdown, because it could not live up to my expectations. I was stained. So I was not able to fully invest myself into the training. Couldn't risk it or fully stick with it. All I could do was grab a little here and there.
Later, when I lost everything, I became invisible. Not in touch with family, I supported myself anyway I could. I traveled as a man alone and tried to nurture myself without any backup. I waited to see what would emerge.
Then, with whatever training and practice I had garnered from my past, I attempted to make a statement. Some skills from the past were semi-developed, not as much as I would have liked, but I used whatever I had for the final statement of my life.