simple answer befuddles me

Visit with neighbor

1/12/2015

263.

Principles

Life and living

Visit with neighbor

A neighbor invited me over to give some cookies she made for various people in the neighborhood. She was being neighborly. She had also contacted a old boyfriend from 17 years ago in a far away state and hoped to renew the flame. It was consuming her and she threw herself into it. Her previous path in life which she had stood stubbornly by was almost overnight cast aside in light of this new passion. She volunteered unsolicited advice to me saying I should open my mind to having someone else in my life and asked if I was ready for it. She received my writings but I think never read them. I think she thought I was too into 'thinking.' Her next comment might relate to this. To paraphrase she said, “All the looking, searching, talking and arriving at what is right or not is 'bs.' It is better to get what you can out of life and participate in it.” All this I could hear and absorb without trouble. Her next comment, however, put a dent in me. She said 'none of us know the full truth here anyhow. We won't know it until we are on the other side.'

Now most of my life has been a search, a wrestling with ideas, a discovery of sorts, a wondering to know and arrive at what is true. One can't prove it but one can get a feel for it. The rest of life has been something I've gone through but have not been fully into it. Perhaps on a psychological level my beginnings felt incomplete and there was no rest until I answered the 'why.' One 'why' leads to want to know the answer to all the 'why's' in life.

Now my neighbor says to me out of the blue 'why struggle to know? We will all know the truth once we pass to the other side. Live and enjoy.' I had no immediate answer. Sometimes hearing what is obvious cuts through our defenses and lands deep. It is nothing I haven't thought of and about. She seemed to put me in the same boat she was in. She tried to wrestle with and make something happen in alignment with her principles. But now she was willing to sidestep everything all in the name of 'passion and love.' She seemed relieved.

For the time being there was no clarity. There is truth in what she says but it can't be the whole truth. I'm sure with time I'll settle into some understanding. For now though I'll have to live with a gap, a void, and no simple answer until understanding comes and I know the 'why.'

8 Comments

Maggie

1/12/2015 01:13:47 am

A few days before Stanley died he asked me if he "was going." We rarely spoke as he was very ill but I was always nearby in case he needed something or for comfort. His question was very clear - and I answered very honestly, "Yes." As his eyes teared up, he asked "When?" I told home I didn't know but it would be soon. He started to weep. The only words I knew to say to him then were that once it happened he would know the answers to all the profound questions he'd always had and that he'd become "a star in the universe" and be privy to all its secrets. He calmed down at that point and was able to eat some orange - a fruit he loved.
Stanley was profoundly atheistic. A cultural Jew but raised to be a rationalist. (Interestingly, his father was religious, but that's another story.)
I think the meaning of life and death is different for each if us. And so too are our reasons for existing.

steven

1/12/2015 04:04:55 am

(fyi....Stanley was married to Maggie)
Very potent glimpse of a moment that took place...he needed some comfort and when you put it in the larger context he received it...funny how in the context of how I heard it I felt disappointed because I wanted the answers in this life....when he heard them it was consoling and comforting. albeit not fully an answer for an atheist. funny how that's what came out of you. similar to my neighbor. we will all know the truth.
Your conclusion is worthwhile.
Steve

Maggie

1/12/2015 04:12:31 am

Thank you.
I recommend a film, if you haven't already seen it: A Serious Man. You will recognize so many things about growing up Jewish in the 60s and also see a lot about a man in search of an answer. Rebecca and I have watched it many times together and find something new each time. (What is HaShem trying to tell us? ...)

steven

1/12/2015 07:44:59 am

mag,
googled 'a serious man' and sounds like a good listen. Don't see many movies so will be a treat.
Yes what I Hashem tryng to tell you?
well, at least we know there is an Hashem.

Maggie

1/13/2015 07:14:30 am

I'd be curious to hear your reaction to that film. There's a Yiddish song in it which is very soothing. Found it on YouTube. "Dem Milners Trern". Sung by Bilarsky.
Interesting what can be thought-provoking and meditative.
Going to the synagogue book club tonight. Group is picking the next "Jewish" book to read. I don't have any choices so I'll listen. I'll take the current Hadassah issue (I'm a member) they have some recommendations. It's an educated, articulate group so it'll be interesting.

steven

1/13/2015 10:00:34 am

I listened to the song 'dem milners trern' and it was very from the gut. brought me back to some era, like a memory in the dna. nice.

I'll let u know about the movie.

yes, a good discussion about a good book can be good. literally food for thought.

Maggie

1/14/2015 01:17:47 am

Went to meeting with an author friend. All members of reading group are older individuals - educated, retired, somewhat religious Jews (of varying degrees and denominations). My friend is not Jewish but very attracted to the "sechel" of Jews.
Many books discussed.. I ended up recommending All the Light We Cannot See and This is Where I Leave You. A 3rd is on the lis: Shteyngart's Little Failure. Russian immigrant, fairly young, supposed to be very funny. So we'll see which gets picked.

steve

1/14/2015 03:01:13 am

From what u described elsewhere my vote would be for shteyngart's little failure. A young Russian moving to ny queens with a fresh take. would be interesting.

Visit with neighbor

Leave a Reply.

Steven B. Nussdorf records his lifelong search to find meaning outside of the normal channels. He uses writing, poetry, and drawing to document this effort.

Archives