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Getting ugly

8/9/2013

5 Comments

 
53.

Personal

Getting ugly

A ‘friend’ visited my apartment and complained of a rusty type smell and
later when invited for a dinner made an excuse not to come.  The smell was
due to cardboard boxes containing books, ceramics, pottery, other
‘chochiks’  that belonged to my mom taken out of storage waiting to be
sorted.  Normally I would let this pass but this time I felt violated and
judged.  I retorted by insulting the person and saying ugly things.  I
had taken the low road.  Still, I allowed myself to do so.  My insides
were stirred and this was an outlet.  It felt alive and even though wrong,
I was energized.

Why this way I asked later?  It seemed the easiest way to go. 
Suppressing the outrage took just as much work as not.  Perhaps, as a
participant in this life, it was my turn to play the brat, the bad cop, the
stopper.  Usually one says they will get theirs and moves on.  Not
this time.   This time I was the chosen one, the low one. What about
being an emissary of peace?  What about being light and flowing?  What
about silence and patience?  Not this time, not this time.  I am not
above any behavior.

Perhaps there is some therapeutic value in this, reliving the past and able
this time to speak up.  Perhaps all the childhood nonsense has to be
regurgitated and purged, only this time around in the safety zone of knowing an
above. Perhaps, my ‘tit’ for their ‘tat’ is just an old CD that has to wear out
to make room for an intelligent silence.

Oh this life, this everything, again I am amazed and humbled by it all.

5 Comments
steven
8/9/2013 09:39:42 pm

Note: received a comment from Margaret Lindsay Holton relating to my NY trip and first portrait of dad. Margaret always has a way to penetrate with her comments and worth a read. only regret is there is not more. My early drawing, her first painting at 14, bring back feelings and deep yearnings, relating to our roots, our potential realized and notl, the soil we came from. Worth a read from this Canadian artist.

Reply
steven
8/10/2013 03:08:45 am

Margaret's comments could be seen on the NY post, which was #47 I forgot to mention. See also her website at http://canadadaPHOTOGRAPHY.blogspot.co

Reply
Tom
8/10/2013 03:14:58 am


Yes, at times it is harder to take the low road because a good person who does that has to live with the bad marks made on the soul. The victim suffers equally or as much!
All good and brutally honest.

Regards,
Tom

Reply
Lisa
8/12/2013 01:24:32 am

I understand your ugliness; I do. You come to my place where my sentimental things are attacked. Someone that is fragile with these sentimental things will react like you did. Looking back, maybe you could have said: Oh, that is the smell of precious sentiments; sorry for the temporary inconvenience. Leave, if you must; there is the door. I will call you when my work is done. I am in a place right now where if I do not speak up, I will be shut out and forgotten; atleast that is how I feel. Sometimes it feels so good to throw it in someones face; in my case, they deserve it. The next time I think we all need to take the ugly out and express the hurt and resentment and every other emotion in a letter; this way we can edit, edit, edit... However, do not ever shut out your emotions in the many writings right here on this site. Great job!

Reply
steven
8/12/2013 02:40:17 am

hi lisa,
appreciate your empathy and putting yourself into the situation and understanding. this doesn't justify the response but it puts a framework around it. your possible responses with emphasis on the hurt a possible approach. letters the best of course..edit and time and thought. emails can be dangerous, I know from experience.
always like your input.
steve

Reply



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    Steven B. Nussdorf records his lifelong search to find meaning outside of the normal channels.  He  uses writing, poetry, and drawing to document this effort.

    Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.

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