A basic flaw in my foundation
Recently, I realized a basic flaw in my foundation that has held me back and has been very difficult to overcome. It's ingrained in my physiology and mentality. In my early life, I was not able to experience living in a normal way. I could not let in “life itself,” nor experience, absorb and grow from it. Yes, it was parent based. My asthma was a physical manifestation of my condition. Breathing itself was labored, shut down so to speak. Normal exposure to plants and animals caused problems. All this was partially due to living in tension much of the time. Growth became thwarted and twisted.
So, if one can't be near plants and animals in a normal way which is part of life itself, how can one participate and learn in a healthy manner? Experience itself is cut off, and learning from day to day living and academically is thwarted. The learning process, which includes discovery and wonderment, is truncated.
My art is a reflection of this. Not enough life was let in, both from observation and learning and practice. Too much time was spent in my head, removed from experience. As such there is a tendency to get caught up with concepts and ideas because the interaction with life itself had been tampered with.
So this is my explanation to explain my limitations in participating in life and difficulties I've had with my art. Still, it is not a total death sentence. A humble attitude towards what happened can lead to healing. Observing the suffering itself and being aware are the tools to turn things around. And then, of course, one can always appeal to the 'above' and that might help.