there was a silent crack
and a burst of light
and then 'Steve'
|For These Times||
there was a silent crack
and a burst of light
and then 'Steve'
Everything is so bothersome and irritating as far as people go. Greed, self serving ambition lie beneath the surface in most of what I see. Self involvement, self preservation or desperation are the motivators. It's not satisfying to see this.
When going to the bathroom of all things I surprisingly had some clarity. It was a combination of light and a voice coming through the surrounding darkness in my forehead. My breath slowed down and I seemed to hear “go after this experience.” I became calmer and sighed. Afterwards I tried to keep this experience in my mind.
First there is the light/voice in my head and then there is all the rest of my compromised and complicated life. Activities are either too intricate or too mundane. Perhaps this light/voice in my head can lift everything else towards itself. Maybe this is what is needed, for myself and others.
Later I ask myself if a 'too pure thought,' and idealized concept like so many in history, can misguide a person. Perhaps this person was never able to handle the simple good and bad of life, accepting all of it with equanimity. It would be good if one could do this.
For some, maybe many, this is beyond their reach. As such, their reason becomes black or white, too pure or too polluted. Rules and dogmas fill the void of not knowing what to do. This light/voice can break through this polarity and reconnect the person to the source, which existed before the polarity. It can trickle down from itself and evaporate back towards itself.
It's possible this is all another dangerous illusion. Perhaps it should only be tried after one has tried everything else. It's possible it is the needed key to the lock. It's possible it is an answer.
What's it like?
God's voice is like a breath of fresh water.
On ending it all
I receive a daily online health newsletter that includes research from various people who have spent many years delving into one or another aspect of health. The author of the newsletter explains their research in layman terms and the comments on them often are the best part. One comes away with various unhomogenized perspectives.
Recently one issue dealt with the rise of suicides in America. Since 1999 it has increased in the USA by 25%. Various explanations were given and all had some merit. However, it was a reader's comment that struck a cord within me and for others too. The writer, sounding in his 50's, said, to paraphrase, that he felt tremendous pain (emotional) his entire life. It never left him. Opting out was always an available alternative and back up plan. It actually gave him comfort to know there was a way out. In the meantime he hoped to work his way out of his 'synthetic' life and maybe try to live closer to the land and grow organic vegetables. This was his plan.
His openness sounded real and somehow seemed more sincere than any mind/body technique or motivational talk offered by various thinkers and writers. Perhaps the pain he referred to is our true foundation. Beneath all the noise, clutter and clamor is the uneasy feeling that we are running from something. This is at least true for some of us. On the deepest level underneath it all this might describe a universal condition.
'Taking leave' is of course one way to protest or to escape a painful life or condition. Then there is the voice of Hashem, or Eliohai, or God. Above all the busyness and activity and aggravation and unsolvable situations one might hear between it all “It's okay. I'm here. Go forward with your general plan. It makes sense. Don't look back. You're doing okay. I'm with you. Inch your way through.”
If suicide appears as one solution, hearing the voice from above might be the other.
Relating to god
No longer talking to Ruth
I had a neighbor friend who passed away a few years ago. She was a good walker and we often walked and talked together along with others. She had no family down here and tried to make the best of it and so did I. I would be her back up for hurricanes and recommend some decent auto mechanics and help out with that kind of stuff. She would invite me over for various holidays with some of her friends, and this would provide some company for me.
We would often kid each other in various ways, while walking or else wise. Some of it would go too far, as I would say 'I hate you' and she would answer 'I hate you more.' We were like two acting out brats but at least it was a safe arena to do it in. I would call her squirt because she was small and she would call me Monk because I was compulsive. It was a chance to act like kids, maybe something we both never fully had.
As said she passed a few years ago and for a time I found myself, when nothing was on my mind, talking to an image of her as if she were present. It filled some gaps, and I got to complete some funny lines I never had fully mastered. I became better at the craft of being silly. It was like an invisible friend. I could make fun of her and be bossy or talk idiotically. It was an outlet of sorts. It was almost like having a pet.
One day however, when feeling somewhat okay, having talked to a couple of people recently who were not so okay, I seemed to hear 'give your energy to the living who need it.' It made me pause. My friend was gone from here forever and the living were here for just so long. Whatever life and vitality I had should be spent here among the living.
For a time I still automatically talked to my invisible friend but I think these words from above gradually reshaped my habit and behavior.
When you are young, suffering can bring you to God. You appeal for help when all else fails. For a time you feel close to God and there seems to be progress and a payoff. Later in life, when you are not so sure of things, when you thought this closeness to God would yield good results you are disappointed. It is at this point that it is hard to hold onto God. The suffering has built up, the lines in your face become indented from stress, and it is hard to feel close. You experience bitterness. You originally thought that your new alignment with him would yield meaning and fulfillment. But the good things expected didn’t come. It is hard to be close to God when you see destruction in your life.
This is just one take on the subject, but an undeniable one. People think their new relationship with God will save them. It doesn’t. The trick is to continue to hold onto belief in a maker even though you have been disappointed.
Lately things don't add up for me. Reasonable approaches to the future aren't so reasonable. Maybe a couple of wrong decisions have altered the course and I don't see how to change it. It's definitely no man's land.
Still, seemingly over my left shoulder, there is a clear light with a clear voice from the above. The light (really it's colorless but like pure clear water) seems to contrast with everything else. It feels as if the light will seep in and pull you out.
The voice seems to say 'keep going,' or 'I'm here,' or 'it's alright.' It's simple. There is no comfort in a cuddly sense, but one feels relief that there is an answer, a way out. The voice confirms this. Both the light and voice are there.
Could this be one more distortion or delusion or illusion before I have to submit to life, my fate, my traps, my karma? It could be. But it also could be what it claims, a way out of the complications towards a cleaner path, led by a clarity that flashes 'there is more.'.
Not how I expected
So, is this what happens with age? We become worn down from various and continuous pressures and can't fight back and in our exasperation and fatigue and inertia all we are left with is the ability to see the light? What about choice and forward motion? Can we not leap to where we have to go, or are meekness and defeat all we see? I ask you God for this is how it feels.
(I'm self conscious about this. Always cognizant that I might be off, needy, just never could take life on its own terms, or something along these lines. Still, I'm doing it until it is clear to me if it is true or not. At this point the error would be omission. I have to risk appearing however I do. All this being said, I wrote down what came to me as if it were 'a still small voice.' It spoke to me and might speak to you.)
God to living
Continue what you are doing. You're doing okay. What you've seen and measured is as if I saw those things and measured them. There is protection and backup. Think through what you go through in a balanced way. When you are in one place mentally you can't be in another, so be aware of that. Evolve into certain answers. Ask the questions but don't predestine them. All the contradictions will fit in somehow. Be aware of them, you can ask about them, but let them unroll. New directions might occur. Your balance and well being now are most important, not necessarily results. Keeping the center is where you want to be, even if your situation is off center. Where you are off or lacking might seem so from a result standpoint, but there were other qualities that filled the gaps that don't necessarily show themselves in the results. These are part of you too.
Move all that makes your life onward. You mark movement with your activities so they serve a purpose. However, don't be stuck in parts of the journey. While you are caught up in the particulars, be aware the whole picture is also with you at the same time. If you are physically suffering, the world's temporary distractions are okay for a time. Ease up a bit on yourself. Have some space in your life between actions so natural pressures have a chance to come to the light naturally.
You will be okay. Just relax a bit. Feel this council in your bones. Bring it with you. I am not far away.
Sitting in a car during a break….didn't sleep last night….felt dry boned….as if ready to die….even memories no comfort….ready to give it all up….ready to give up everything ….felt like entropy….just inert matter….then brightness sparkled….think I heard a voice from above….it felt big….and endless.
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.