​45.

Relating to God

Another morning

It was another morning of internal mayhem.....not panic, but just many things that had to be ordered in my mind.  There were too many items to review.  My mind reviewed each category.....some order was established, but not enough.  I turned over in the blanket and waited for the light to peak through.  No more sleep came.  In the semi dark I tried to write down a title for my new painting.....my eyes couldn't even see what I wrote.   I churned different titles in my head, obsessed over it.  I then reviewed certain conversations I had the previous day.  I found out my  ex wife had no opinions on a title.  There had been a call from a Peruvian friend  who kept falling apart and I was drained by it.  My skin had been itching like crazy.  I wondered what was my gold doing?  Were people period the cause of my stress?  Should I call up Susanne and offer her my old vacuum cleaner or is that opening up a can of worms? I processed the actions of certain people until it was clear where they were coming from.  Did my doctor get my note on root canals?  The letter I read yesterday said a man self healed his teeth in some instances with Vit C and Magnesium and Oregonal drops.  I've preserved a few teeth doing that too.  Shame I lost many before I knew to try this.   My thinking went  on and on.

Oh what to do?  How to begin this day?  Then I heard the clear uplifting voice of God...clear to my mind.  I was relieved.  Things weren't so bad, weren't so confused.  I wrote a good to-do list, probably a few days worth of to-dos.  Then I plopped on the bed again.  I heard the voice tell me tea wasn't the worse idea, and if I could I should choose slippery elm.  I heard the day didn't have to be bad, that the painting was almost finished and I could work on the signature.  Some of my writings meandered maybe but I could review them the next day.  I could stay local and just walk outside and get some sun and be close.  I could read the book on cayenne.  It was relieving to hear the voice.  I turned on the TV as a distraction and then got up and put up some hot water, shaving while it heated.  My day had begun, helped by his voice in a nice way telling me how to begin.  Some order came out of the chaos.

43. 

Relating

When Hashem betrays

This was fresh in my mind about a week ago but I'll see if I can rebuild the idea.  About 3 weeks ago a neighbor we'll call Helen called me after six mos of not hearing from  her and asked me if I could come over and throw out some garbage outside of her door.  She had numerous health problems and had a fever and was spitting out black mucus and she felt awful.  Previously she had gone to the pool every day and had lost a good deal of weight and looked okay. But now she hadn't been to the pool in 4 months.  In Florida if you are sensitive to allergens it can be devastating.   Helen was afraid to go outside, even with a mask.  I myself get head pressure so I was sympathetic. 

Helen sees  herself as a healer of sorts and also a psychic.  Her beliefs are eclectic and she does come up with names and places that must come from another place.  Her life however, for at least 5 years has not been working out in many aspects.  Healthwise, relationship wise, and career wise.  What else is there?  She is a true believer in visualizations and continually uses them and they continually don't work.  She also invokes angels and also, although born a Jew, Jesus Christ.  She is dogmatic and preachy and not overly knowledgeable and basically can be a pain in the a....s.  I think she collects disability so her lifestyle or wrongstyle is supported by the state.  Presently she said she is angry at God because all these years she helped so many people and even so she has been going through hell for the last 5 years.

Anyhow, I stopped talking to her about 6 mos ago for the second time.  On this call I recognized a call for help. All those people who she claimed to help and the brother who she loved were not there for her. I told her what I thought, which is to try appealing to God, but directly, not through Jesus, or angel Gabriel, or the spirits.  It's just you and God.  I shared a story about a soldier in World War II whose ship was sunk and he was bleeding and the water was cold and he was hanging onto a piece of wood in the ocean and he then saw a shark fin.  He then said to God 'God, I'm wounded, the water is cold, I'm alone and now a shark is circling me.  This is not fair God.”   At that moment he said the shark left.  I advised Helen to plead her case in a similar fashion.

The next morning she called   So I decided to throw out her garbage for her.  During the conversation I listened and she said she didn't pray to anyone else but to God directly and then said her fever was down to normal after a doctors visit.  It had been 102.  I answered that was great, a real miracle.  She then said she was speaking to God all the time and he even told her what sandwich to make.  I thought that was a little off.   Then she said she was going to teach this in a class.  Instead of being humble, her ego entered the picture and her talk became again about her.  I knew this was off.   The next day she called and wasn't feeling well again and  had taken some medication.  I didn't have much to add.  It was not for me to say you still don't get it, you still are full of yourself, you are still the problem.   Anytime I would talk bluntly, she would call me negative.

The point here is that Helen spoke to God but misused it somehow and it did not work in her life at all.  She had the right idea and few get to that point but she was off and that is dangerous.  She missed it and really wasn't going in the right direction.  Numerous times I've run across people who claim to speak to God and it really doesn't work in their lives.  The only time it seems ok is when the 'preacher types' convince others to do so and make money off of them.  That is just plain wrong.

Then there is the other side of the coin.  There was a Japanese Samurai warrior who was legendary.  At one point he lived in the forest practicing his moves all alone.  Perfect practice would lead to perfect execution.  When he returned to civilization he won every challenge he entered.  Later he became respected and a teacher of the martial art he practiced.  It was said he never prayed or meditated to God.  He saw his life as something he would have to  handle on his own.  Once, when in a setting where there was a stature of Buddha, he nodded , bowed and honored the presence of Buddha and God, as if saying hello, but then went his own way and still handled life on his own.

At 60 or 61, living at a martial arts retreat, he contracted cancer and subsequently passed away.  His life was not a long life.  Something went wrong.  True, people die young.  To get such an illness, however, indicates there was some imbalance, even if he was not responsible for it.     With cancer there was pain and suffering with eventual demise.  This warrior's ability to handle life on his own, doing so all solo, had not fully worked out.  At least, so it seems.

In the first example, speaking to God, albeit in a limited way, did not work in the person's life.  In the latter, recognizing there is a God but doing everything on one's own possibly became a death sentence.  Where is the truth?   Which is the way?  How are we to know?  I have no definitive answer.  Going it solo is too hard.  It's like walking with one leg.  On the other hand, speaking to God, in most cases abused and in the wrong manner, often  doesn't seem to help one's life.  All I can say is what I do now.  Often I am quiet inside and can't communicate.  There is nothing to say.  My life might be too off for a healthy link.  But also during these dry spells I'll hear a statement that stands out in the silence such as 'Calm down Steve.'  For now I'll go with this.
'

42.

Relating   

The week that was....

About a week ago heard from a neighbor about another neighbor, a lady in her early 70's, who after having neck surgery, was undergoing heart surgery.  She was deaf as was her husband but managed to function and stay in shape.  Who knows what pressures she was really under.  We got along.

Received an email from my sister telling me of a man I grew up with who 6 mos ago was up and about now in a wheelchair thin as a rail.  He had been nicely put together, played high school basketball a bit and was a good student  To me it sounded like a nerve disorder but that is just a  hunch. She also reported a contemporary of hers who had been active having a stroke recently in her early 70's.  My old friend was 69.

My sister said it was interesting to see how nature and the 'timetable' started to take over on schedule.  Interesting, but I added Mark's mother had lived into her 100's and this generation had been compromised healthwise, not having the base to negotiate age with its new demands.

Another neighbor yesterday gave me a lift to the supermarket which was surprisingly flooded by a downpour and on the way back told me why an ambulance was in front of Pete's place, right opposite me.  Yes, 'why.”

He said Pete a week ago had collapsed on the floor at 67, perhaps from an aneurysm, and was given no chance to live unless he had surgery which he had and is now fighting for his life.  His son, a millennial who lived with them, applied CPR originally with no effect.  His wife and son spend all day at the hospital these days.  They were nice. 

Pete still worked at sales for NPR and I'm convinced the stressful 20 mile drive to work hurt.  You end up like a machine or part of it.  I got sick years ago when I had to often negotiate the same drive.  We sometimes ran into one another admiring the setting sun in Florida and the clouds.  I noticed recently Pete would be on his porch just staring.
He would often give advice about my car.

Down here many people used to be snow birds.  Some still are but not as many.  Instead, many work into their sixties and beyond.  The bottom line of money concerns can be a real stressor, even a killer.  Anyhow, after  hearing about Pete I felt listless for the rest of the day.  I wondered 'why?'

I've noticed a certain not caring attitude with people, a kind of 'who can make sense of life so why bother.'  On Facebook an English lady 'friend' who posts often about the ridiculous spoke of her mother recently dying and her grieving over it.  She said the good news is that grieving made her lose weight.  I wrote to her 'I'm happy/sad for your losses,' which she liked.  Now usually at the end of a post  she would say 'love and light,' but this time she wrote 'hate and dark.'

This is what I've sensed, a kind of 'I don't give a sh...t anymore' attitude.  Everything has been tried, little seems to work, so who cares.

After hearing about Pete, the next morning I was slow in getting up.  Some of my own health issues I thought about.  Then I stayed still.  Then I seemed to hear, 'You still have the light Steve.  It's no joke.  It's real.  Play it out.'  It was good to hear this and needed.

37.


Meditating moment    

Upon meditating
there was a silent crack
and a burst of light
and then 'Steve'
was heard.

36. 

The answer

Everything is so bothersome and irritating as far as people go.  Greed, self serving ambition lie beneath the surface in most of what I see.  Self involvement, self preservation or desperation are the motivators. It's not satisfying to see this.

When going to the bathroom of all things I surprisingly had some clarity.  It was a combination of light and a voice coming through the surrounding darkness in my forehead.  My breath slowed down and I seemed to hear “go after this experience.”  I became calmer and sighed.  Afterwards I tried to keep this experience in my mind.

First there is the light/voice in my head and then there is all the rest of my compromised and complicated life.  Activities are either too intricate or too mundane.  Perhaps this light/voice in my head can lift everything else towards itself.  Maybe this is what is needed, for myself and others.

Later I ask myself if a 'too pure thought,' and idealized concept like so many in history, can misguide a person.  Perhaps this person was never able to handle the simple good and bad of life, accepting all of it with equanimity.  It would be good if one could do this.

For some, maybe many, this is beyond their reach.  As such, their reason becomes black or white, too pure or too polluted.  Rules and dogmas fill the void of not knowing what to do.  This light/voice can break through this polarity and reconnect the person to the source, which existed before the polarity. It can trickle down from itself and evaporate back towards itself.

It's possible this is all another dangerous illusion.  Perhaps it should only be tried after one has tried everything else. It's possible it is the needed key to the lock.  It's possible it is an answer.

34.

What's it like?
God's voice is like a breath of fresh water.

33.


Relating

On ending it all

I receive a daily online health newsletter that includes research from various people who have spent many years delving into one or another aspect of health.  The author of the newsletter explains their research in layman terms and the comments on them often are the best part.  One comes away with various unhomogenized perspectives.

Recently one issue dealt with the rise of suicides in America.  Since 1999 it has increased in the USA by 25%.  Various explanations were given and all had some merit.  However, it was a reader's comment that struck a cord within me and for others too.  The writer, sounding in his 50's, said, to paraphrase, that he felt tremendous pain (emotional) his entire life.  It never left him.  Opting out was always an available alternative and back up plan.  It actually gave him comfort to know there was a way out.  In the meantime he hoped to work his way out of his 'synthetic' life and maybe try to live closer to the land and grow organic vegetables.  This was his plan.

His openness sounded real and somehow seemed more sincere than any mind/body technique or motivational talk offered by various thinkers and writers.  Perhaps the pain he referred to is our true foundation.  Beneath all the noise, clutter and clamor is the uneasy feeling that we are running from something.  This is at least true for some of us.  On the deepest level underneath it all this might describe a universal condition.

'Taking leave' is of course one way to protest or to escape a painful life or condition.  Then there is the voice of Hashem, or Eliohai, or God.  Above all the busyness and activity and aggravation and unsolvable situations one might hear between it all “It's okay. I'm here.  Go forward with your general plan.  It makes sense.  Don't look back.  You're doing okay. I'm with you. Inch your way through.”

If suicide appears as one solution, hearing the voice from above might be the other.

32. 

Relating to god  

No longer talking to Ruth

I had a neighbor friend who passed away a few years ago.  She was a good walker and we often walked and talked together along with others.  She had no family down here and tried to make the best of it and so did I.  I would be her back up for hurricanes and recommend some decent auto mechanics and help out with that kind of stuff.  She would invite me over for various holidays with some of  her friends, and this would provide some company for me.

We would often kid each other in various ways, while walking or else wise.  Some of it would go too far, as I would say 'I hate you' and she would answer 'I hate you more.'  We were like two acting out brats but at least it was a safe arena to do it in.  I would call her squirt because she was small and she would call me Monk because I was compulsive.  It was  a chance to act like kids, maybe something we both never fully had.

As said she passed a few years ago and for a time I found myself, when nothing was on my mind,  talking to an image of her as if she were present.  It filled some gaps, and I got to complete some funny lines I never had fully mastered.  I became better at the craft of being silly.  It was like an invisible friend.  I could make fun of her and be bossy or talk idiotically.  It was an outlet of sorts.  It was almost like having a pet.

One day however, when feeling somewhat okay, having talked to a couple of people recently who were not so okay, I seemed to hear 'give your energy to the living who need it.' It made me pause.  My friend was gone from here forever and the living were here for just so long.  Whatever life and vitality I had should be spent here among the living.

For a time I still automatically talked to my invisible friend but I think these words from above  gradually reshaped my habit and behavior.

31.  Past

Despite disappointment

When you are young, suffering can bring you to God.  You appeal for help when all else fails.  For a time you feel close to God and there seems to be progress and a payoff.  Later in life, when you are not so sure of things, when you thought this closeness to God would yield good results you are disappointed. It is at this point that it is hard to hold onto God.  The suffering has built up, the lines in your face become indented from stress, and it is hard to feel close.  You experience bitterness.  You originally thought that your new alignment with him would yield meaning and fulfillment.  But the good things expected didn’t come.  It is hard to be close to God when you see destruction in your life.

This is just one take on the subject, but an undeniable one.  People think their new relationship with God will save them.  It doesn’t.  The trick is to continue to hold onto belief in a maker even though you have been disappointed.

30. 

Relating    

A clarity

Lately things don't add up for me.  Reasonable approaches to the future aren't so reasonable.  Maybe  a couple of wrong decisions have altered the course and I don't see how to change it. It's definitely no man's land.

Still, seemingly over my left shoulder, there is a clear light with a clear voice from the above.  The light   (really it's colorless but like pure clear water) seems to contrast with everything else.  It feels as if the light will seep in and pull you out.

The voice seems to say 'keep going,' or 'I'm here,' or 'it's alright.'  It's simple.  There is no comfort in a cuddly sense, but one feels relief that there is an answer, a way out.  The voice confirms this. Both the light and voice are there.

Could this be one more distortion or delusion or illusion before I have to submit to life, my fate, my traps, my karma?  It could be.   But it also could be what it claims, a way out of the complications towards a cleaner path, led by a clarity that flashes 'there is more.'.