Relating to god
No longer talking to Ruth
I had a neighbor friend who passed away a few years ago. She was a good walker and we often walked and talked together along with others. She had no family down here and tried to make the best of it and so did I. I would be her back up for hurricanes and recommend some decent auto mechanics and help out with that kind of stuff. She would invite me over for various holidays with some of her friends, and this would provide some company for me.
We would often kid each other in various ways, while walking or else wise. Some of it would go too far, as I would say 'I hate you' and she would answer 'I hate you more.' We were like two acting out brats but at least it was a safe arena to do it in. I would call her squirt because she was small and she would call me Monk because I was compulsive. It was a chance to act like kids, maybe something we both never fully had.
As said she passed a few years ago and for a time I found myself, when nothing was on my mind, talking to an image of her as if she were present. It filled some gaps, and I got to complete some funny lines I never had fully mastered. I became better at the craft of being silly. It was like an invisible friend. I could make fun of her and be bossy or talk idiotically. It was an outlet of sorts. It was almost like having a pet.
One day however, when feeling somewhat okay, having talked to a couple of people recently who were not so okay, I seemed to hear 'give your energy to the living who need it.' It made me pause. My friend was gone from here forever and the living were here for just so long. Whatever life and vitality I had should be spent here among the living.
For a time I still automatically talked to my invisible friend but I think these words from above gradually reshaped my habit and behavior.