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44.

Personal


The Status

The future is not so certain and things could take a turn for the worse, God or no God. People around me are stumbling. Health issues might not resolve, money might tighten, people remain difficult, distractions multiply, and burdens don't lighten. There is still an open door for the dream to sneak through, and it's important Io grab it while I can, but it can't be hurried and it's hard to keep the faith. Everyday is a struggle, at least it feels like that. For now the uncertain future won't go away and has to be endured.

(What I wrote stands on its own.  However, soon after was in the bathroom brushing my teeth and seemed to hear "it's alright Steve.  You can push forward and get things done.'  For the moment felt relief and capable again.)

43. 

Relating

When Hashem betrays

This was fresh in my mind about a week ago but I'll see if I can rebuild the idea.  About 3 weeks ago a neighbor we'll call Helen called me after six mos of not hearing from  her and asked me if I could come over and throw out some garbage outside of her door.  She had numerous health problems and had a fever and was spitting out black mucus and she felt awful.  Previously she had gone to the pool every day and had lost a good deal of weight and looked okay. But now she hadn't been to the pool in 4 months.  In Florida if you are sensitive to allergens it can be devastating.   Helen was afraid to go outside, even with a mask.  I myself get head pressure so I was sympathetic. 

Helen sees  herself as a healer of sorts and also a psychic.  Her beliefs are eclectic and she does come up with names and places that must come from another place.  Her life however, for at least 5 years has not been working out in many aspects.  Healthwise, relationship wise, and career wise.  What else is there?  She is a true believer in visualizations and continually uses them and they continually don't work.  She also invokes angels and also, although born a Jew, Jesus Christ.  She is dogmatic and preachy and not overly knowledgeable and basically can be a pain in the a....s.  I think she collects disability so her lifestyle or wrongstyle is supported by the state.  Presently she said she is angry at God because all these years she helped so many people and even so she has been going through hell for the last 5 years.

Anyhow, I stopped talking to her about 6 mos ago for the second time.  On this call I recognized a call for help. All those people who she claimed to help and the brother who she loved were not there for her. I told her what I thought, which is to try appealing to God, but directly, not through Jesus, or angel Gabriel, or the spirits.  It's just you and God.  I shared a story about a soldier in World War II whose ship was sunk and he was bleeding and the water was cold and he was hanging onto a piece of wood in the ocean and he then saw a shark fin.  He then said to God 'God, I'm wounded, the water is cold, I'm alone and now a shark is circling me.  This is not fair God.”   At that moment he said the shark left.  I advised Helen to plead her case in a similar fashion.

The next morning she called   So I decided to throw out her garbage for her.  During the conversation I listened and she said she didn't pray to anyone else but to God directly and then said her fever was down to normal after a doctors visit.  It had been 102.  I answered that was great, a real miracle.  She then said she was speaking to God all the time and he even told her what sandwich to make.  I thought that was a little off.   Then she said she was going to teach this in a class.  Instead of being humble, her ego entered the picture and her talk became again about her.  I knew this was off.   The next day she called and wasn't feeling well again and  had taken some medication.  I didn't have much to add.  It was not for me to say you still don't get it, you still are full of yourself, you are still the problem.   Anytime I would talk bluntly, she would call me negative.

The point here is that Helen spoke to God but misused it somehow and it did not work in her life at all.  She had the right idea and few get to that point but she was off and that is dangerous.  She missed it and really wasn't going in the right direction.  Numerous times I've run across people who claim to speak to God and it really doesn't work in their lives.  The only time it seems ok is when the 'preacher types' convince others to do so and make money off of them.  That is just plain wrong.

Then there is the other side of the coin.  There was a Japanese Samurai warrior who was legendary.  At one point he lived in the forest practicing his moves all alone.  Perfect practice would lead to perfect execution.  When he returned to civilization he won every challenge he entered.  Later he became respected and a teacher of the martial art he practiced.  It was said he never prayed or meditated to God.  He saw his life as something he would have to  handle on his own.  Once, when in a setting where there was a stature of Buddha, he nodded , bowed and honored the presence of Buddha and God, as if saying hello, but then went his own way and still handled life on his own.

At 60 or 61, living at a martial arts retreat, he contracted cancer and subsequently passed away.  His life was not a long life.  Something went wrong.  True, people die young.  To get such an illness, however, indicates there was some imbalance, even if he was not responsible for it.     With cancer there was pain and suffering with eventual demise.  This warrior's ability to handle life on his own, doing so all solo, had not fully worked out.  At least, so it seems.

In the first example, speaking to God, albeit in a limited way, did not work in the person's life.  In the latter, recognizing there is a God but doing everything on one's own possibly became a death sentence.  Where is the truth?   Which is the way?  How are we to know?  I have no definitive answer.  Going it solo is too hard.  It's like walking with one leg.  On the other hand, speaking to God, in most cases abused and in the wrong manner, often  doesn't seem to help one's life.  All I can say is what I do now.  Often I am quiet inside and can't communicate.  There is nothing to say.  My life might be too off for a healthy link.  But also during these dry spells I'll hear a statement that stands out in the silence such as 'Calm down Steve.'  For now I'll go with this.
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