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Dad fell

2/9/2017

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20.



Dad fell

Received an email from my sister with subject saying 'dad fell.'   His hip is fractured and his heart rate is up and he is at NYU.  Later heard he might need a pin in the hip or hip replacement, dangerous at his age.

I paced up and down my apartment, back and forth.  What to do, what to do?  Yeah, I was in a panic.  Some of my thoughts went to dad.  Some were selfish about me.  I felt totally alone in the universe.  Things were swirling before this happened.  Now it's somewhere beyond.

I thought what about God?  Where is he in all this?  If talking to him is supposed to help, okay, help.  I need help.  I need help God. 

Then what came to my mind something like a ball of atomic light spreading rays, some before and above my head.  It wasn't disruptive but big and had a soothing weight.  I seemed to hear “This will all pass Steve.  It will work out.  You'll survive this.  It's not the end of the world.  It will smooth out.”

Naturally I calmed down a little bit.  I know, it could be all in my mind.  But then again, it could be real.  I take it as real.  It can't get realer than this.
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Happy Moment

2/5/2017

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19.

Dad

Happy Moment

I put this in the email last mailing but thought it deserves it's own post.  Towards the end of a conversation my dad left me with this;

'When you have a happy moment,
that is the most important thing.”

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One reward for a long life

8/6/2016

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18.

One reward for a long life

I had sent the Cohanan for his 98th birthday a print of a self portrait call “drawing myself.”  While it has some flaws technically it does in a way sum me up as a person.  He already had a print of it but the print and the frame were a mess despite someone's efforts to piece it together.

Well, yesterday the Cohanan called to thank me.  He said words can't describe how good it felt to receive this.  His first complement went to my packing skills.  For some reason my family considers this important.  I can't remember his words exactly but he basically said the drawing captures all of me.  He added he was proud that I was a productive individual who was expressing himself.  More was said but I can't remember exactly what.  For the most part I listened and took it in.

My late mom was a bit gushy at times and this eventually rubbed off on my father.  His nature was more reserved and less emotive and he could be cold and disappear on you.  Whatever its genesis at this time it was nice to hear these words and I just listened.  For years the family dynamics were complex, somehow poisoning even simple dialogue.  But now after all these years simple appreciation was offered and then received.  It is one reward for his living a long life.


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'In or out of the box'

12/4/2015

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17.  Past


'In or out of the box’

I realize people can't get out of the box or often don't even know they're in one.  I might even be in my own box.  Maybe a better one, but still a box.  There are good and bad things in my box.  With this self awareness you understand other people and become patient because of this.  I was talking to a relative and became  very impatient with their rigidity.  Still, I had to realize he is trapped, marooned on his own island with no escape.  Humbly, maybe I am too.  When I am hurting, I wish I could escape.  Am I not trapped too?  We are all given parameters to work with and emerge from.  As my father would say, at least I am aware of it.
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The Cohanan, Yom Kippur, Prayer for mom 2015

9/23/2015

 
16.

The Cohanan, Yom Kippur, Prayer for mom 2015

A few nights before Yom Kippur when speaking to my dad he said he would call me Yom Kippur eve and we would say a prayer for mom and light the Yahrzeit candle at sunset.  Yom Kippur eve rolled around and I did not hear from my dad, at 6, 7, nor 8 pm.  My mind wandered and resentment overtook me.  How could he not call me when he gave his word to, especially to say a prayer for mom on Yom Kippur eve?  He probably forgot and/or is at my sister's apartment, and just passed over it .  The pleasures of socializing pushed me into the background as so many times before.  I, who through him also am a Cohanan, become robbed of that acknowledgment.  The lineage is once again ignored and food and partying take precedence. 

Then around 9pm he called and sounded tired.  He had walked about ½ mile, just with a cane, not his walker which was more supportive,  to an orthodox synagogue for services. He had just returned and did not have the energy to say the prayer.  He would call tomorrow.   Hmmmm.   I was relieved.  I then faintly recalled he had mentioned this. The resentment subsized.  The circular anger left.  I wondered why, after all these years of self examination, I was still on the edge.  It was almost as if it was a clear test from God.  Even though I seemed to have failed it, it seemed a clear sign, which there seem to be not many, that he was caring for me.

Anyhow, early on Yom Kippur day, around 10, before he went to synagogue, the Cohanan called and recited in Hebrew the prayer and I repeated it surprisingly well phrase by phrase.  The  Hebrew sounds were from the gut, just like Sanskrit, and caused vibrations in the entire body.  I felt a light in my head.  After that dad said mom is still with us and pleased .  I asked him to summarize Yom Kippur briefly and he said one prays for blessings and health for the coming year.

And for the moment all was good.




After my birthday conversation with the Cohanan

9/11/2015

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15.

After my birthday conversation with the Cohanan 

I received two birthday cards from the Cohanan, one with some cash in it, about $200.  Later, on the phone he said I should spend it for something I normally wouldn't.  I thanked him and said its enough to spend on a couple of things I normally wouldn't.  The two cards made it feel as if my remaining family was a little bigger than what is left.  On the cards he wrote that my mom sent her everlasting love.  That also made the family feel bigger.

During our phone call I thanked him for the cards, for including mom in them who had passed away 6  years before, and for the gift.  We talked about a few things.  For one I mentioned I found out more about Cohanans.  As we know it is a title passed from father to son going back to Mose's brother Aaron.  Cohanans are priests who give blessings.  In my research I heard the role of the Cohanan is described in Leviticus.  Now my mom's maiden name was Cohen. 

In the olden days people didn't have last names.  You were David of the parents so and so from the city of so and so.  If a person has Cohen for a last name it most probably means way back when a relative was probably a Cohanan, and the name Cohen honors that connection.  So I told dad this and he listened to some extent.

Then, skipping centuries and miles of subject matter, he said Erica Jong at 75 recently wrote a book and he will send me a review.  He said it will remind me of a certain period of time and back memory.  Her first book, Fear of Flying, sold millions of copies and brought sex to the table, so to speak.  He said I would enjoy reading the review.  Maybe he's right.  It will bring back an era.  It might ring a bell of some sort.  I let him say what he will and listen.  It's a bit surrealistic to say the least.

Now my dad can often disappoint. An uneasiness still exists between us.  He often promises things and doesn't follow through.  It was like this before he was elderly.  But this time the conversation took a special turn.  Towards the end of it he said, “way beneath all the layers that I(me) had a beautiful soul (I think the word was soul).  Then he added he was very proud of me.

True, words have been a little cheap in my family.  Still amidst all the doubts and questions and reaching I've been doing, this was extraordinary to hear and a good birthday present from a man of not that many words.  At this stage if something can be said and has some truth, say it.  Why hold back.  The Cohanan let it out.  It was a blessing from the Cohanan, which is what Cohanan's do.  My insides were warmed.


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Honoring what wasn't

5/20/2015

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14.

Principles

Art

Honoring what wasn't  

I recently ran across the work of Isaac Levitan, a Russian landscape painter who died at age 40 in 1900.  The artist that brought him to my attention said when he first saw one of his landscapes tears came to his eyes.  Traditionally he mentioned artists in the past ranked landscape painting as 3rd in importance behind portraiture and historical painting.  He felt Levitan's landscapes changed the hierarchy.  When I saw one of his landscapes, I too softened from inside as I viewed the pine trees in a friendly landscape spaced nicely with streaks of sunlight between them.  The light brought me to the moments as a child when I would see certain lighting and feel at the same time sad and excited and hopeful and afraid.  It could be about the duality of sensing there is something more but also clinging to what is precious here and not wanting to relinquish it.  Oh what a master this Levitan was to capture this.  What I would give to be able to also capture such moments.  Is this not perhaps the reason that attracted me to art in the first place?

Around 21 years of age I went to an aged portrait painter in Boston who was a bit crazy but had many insights and ties to the past.  I never stayed but I read a book he wrote and the words of it stuck with me.  He said he felt for the artists today who have talent but who have not inherited an artistic language with which to express themselves.  Their deepest feelings and insides will never have expression.  So so true.  From this perspective, what a loss.

I was on the phone with my dad a few days ago.  Normally I keep my artistic issues to myself as help here in art, accept in the most general ways, is not to be found.  His orientation is psychological, not visual. This time, however, I voiced the feelings I had when looking at Levitan's work.  I told him that by having gaps in my knowledge of painting I’ll never be able to preserve certain special moments I wanted to preserve when I was a kid.

My father offered a nice answer.  He said that I have overcome many obstacles and difficulties and that I should be proud of what I’ve done and feel good about it.  He said that good will come out of it.  How nice.  True, he can be simplistic because it is easy.  But still,this was nice, very nice and he meant it.

I said, well, by seeing the Levitan I am able to at least honor and respect the artist in me that could have painted like that.  In a sense I’m honoring and paying homage to what might have been.  I’m accepting and forgiving the potential in this venue that never came to be.

Dad heard me and agreed. So now I’ll move on.  I'll accept what I  have and have done and continue to look for a path into the future.




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Notes

4/26/2015

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12.  Past

Family

Dad

Notes


Sometimes my dad has not often been in a good mood lately.  At 91 being a 24/7 care giver to my mom, in addition to other things, frays on his nerves and he hasn’t talked to me much lately.  This morning however he did talk and beneath it all was a good feeling.

He shared that he and my mom went outside (big development in the middle of Manhattan) and sat on the bench around a playground set up for miniature tennis. He related that when I was a kid the different playgrounds would be used for different sports, whatever they were set up for.  Now, the young newcomers just mixed it all up, doing all sorts of activities where they don’t belong. They just do what they want and don’t follow any rules.  He said on the left and right of them on the bench were two widows with walkers. He had a walker and on the way to the bench came a third elderly person with a cane.  She had fractured her hip, used a walker, then a cane, and now just carries the cane.  My dad was the only man there, the other husbands all were deceased.  He said that was strange.  So they were the senior generation looking at what was following, and as he put it, it is not easy for seniors to adjust to what they see all the time.  Quite an understatement.

       I said it is very hard for me here in Florida to get used to so many people without manners.  Rudeness prevails.  I said it is better when he is able to use a walker, but I think he doesn’t always want to be seen with it.  He related one story where two kids ran by him, almost knocking him over when without a walker.  He seemed to have a quiet acceptance of all that was happening.  I shared that the golfers in golf carts often just missed hitting the runners and walking people, which personally happened to me numerous times and to others.  The golfers are arrogant, self-involved and not aware of what is around them. 

       My dad then brought up the danger of delivery bikers where he lives, and how reckless and dangerous they can be.  Most don’t speak English and treat you with disdain.  My dad has been a liberal his whole life, but he then said when watching TV every other channel had a non-Caucasian on it.  He said it was a different world then the one we grew up in, hard to adjust to, and something we have to learn to live with.  I said some of us can’t get used to it and it is hard to accept, even a luxury to do so.  He said people are reacting, hence the “tea party.”  It is not foreigners they are against, but certain attitudes that undermine our society, in addition to other negative forces.

         Through the whole conversation my father did not lose his cool, as sometimes he does with personal matters. He said that it is good to be aware of our surroundings, and what is happening, but through it all one must keep an underlying positiveness.  Hard to capture in words but it had a good feeling to it. Just spoke to my mom today and she said he is not feeling well; too much strain, doing too much.  Not great to hear this, but I’m glad with whatever strength he had we were able to share.

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The Cohanan summarizes Yom Kippur

10/1/2014

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11.

(These posts are not promoting a singular religion.  I am writing about what I run across in my life and draw from.)

The Cohanan summarizes Yom Kippur

It's been a full September.  My birthday happened, it was the passing of mom's anniversary, Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year) took place (to me it does feel as if the year begins now), it's the 9/11 anniversary and I've heard many others have their birthdays in September too.  I was surprised.  I thought I was the only one.  The universe does seem to wake up in September and things get serious.


I was speaking to my dad a couple of days ago and he reminded me to buy Yahrzeit candles (traditionally candles that honor the dead that burn for 24 hours).  One would be to honor my mom's passing (in Judaism this year it's two weeks after the actual date) and one for Yom Kippur, when Kaddish is said, the prayer for the dead. 

The Jewish New Year seems welcoming and a cheerful occasion.  Yom Kippur comes after and is deeper.  One gives serious thought to things.  I asked the Cohanan in a couple of sentences to sum up Yom Kippur.  He said, "First, it is to ask forgiveness from God for things done wrong (sins) the previous year.  He added. "it is often hard to know what we have done wrong."  So true.

"Secondly, one prayers for blessings for health and well being in the coming year."  If one goes to an orthodox synagogue one sees men and women hunched over their prayer books for 12 hours or so reciting prayers relating to these two thoughts.  Personally, I'll fast that day and ponder these two items all day as life permits. 


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A nice softness in his voice

8/5/2014

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10.  Past


A nice softness in his voice

Had a nice talk with my dad.  I mentioned mom always said time was passing quickly.  I said I felt it.  It is relentless.  I kidded and said’ even my allergies take a day off.’  He said this feeling is delicate and should be valued.  There are internal feelings to be worked out.  They are private and individual.  He said he thought life had three phases, and at 63 I'm beginning the third phase.  He said my work reflects the inner workings we're talking about.  They are not negative, but rich with experience.  He felt mom was present when we talk about such things.  Her wisdom is there.  These inner workings should not be denied.

Later in the conversation he mentioned he wanted to visit his mom's grave to say Kaddish.  Said he at 93 he is a testimony to what she did.  A lot of home remedies and time and effort were put into him.  His basic needs were always met despite her very hard life.  So giving her credit is good and deserving.  He spoke of people who said he didn't look 93.  His answer was “well, it's was my mom's chicken soup.”

Ah yes, all the private moments. I mentioned to him sometimes they are painful, they are unknown.  He said no need to run from them.

I also mentioned if I was younger my art and writing would be about external experience.  Now the concern is with the internal.  There was a nice softness in his voice.

I said so many tie-ins, resolutions, we don't get to complete.  We just get a slice of what can be done.  He said this indicates depth in my thinking.  He said that's okay, enough is completed and covered to make a difference (my words).




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