20.



Dad fell

Received an email from my sister with subject saying 'dad fell.'   His hip is fractured and his heart rate is up and he is at NYU.  Later heard he might need a pin in the hip or hip replacement, dangerous at his age.

I paced up and down my apartment, back and forth.  What to do, what to do?  Yeah, I was in a panic.  Some of my thoughts went to dad.  Some were selfish about me.  I felt totally alone in the universe.  Things were swirling before this happened.  Now it's somewhere beyond.

I thought what about God?  Where is he in all this?  If talking to him is supposed to help, okay, help.  I need help.  I need help God. 

Then what came to my mind something like a ball of atomic light spreading rays, some before and above my head.  It wasn't disruptive but big and had a soothing weight.  I seemed to hear “This will all pass Steve.  It will work out.  You'll survive this.  It's not the end of the world.  It will smooth out.”

Naturally I calmed down a little bit.  I know, it could be all in my mind.  But then again, it could be real.  I take it as real.  It can't get realer than this.

17.  Past


'In or out of the box’

I realize people can't get out of the box or often don't even know they're in one.  I might even be in my own box.  Maybe a better one, but still a box.  There are good and bad things in my box.  With this self awareness you understand other people and become patient because of this.  I was talking to a relative and became  very impatient with their rigidity.  Still, I had to realize he is trapped, marooned on his own island with no escape.  Humbly, maybe I am too.  When I am hurting, I wish I could escape.  Am I not trapped too?  We are all given parameters to work with and emerge from.  As my father would say, at least I am aware of it.

16.

The Cohanan, Yom Kippur, Prayer for mom 2015

A few nights before Yom Kippur when speaking to my dad he said he would call me Yom Kippur eve and we would say a prayer for mom and light the Yahrzeit candle at sunset.  Yom Kippur eve rolled around and I did not hear from my dad, at 6, 7, nor 8 pm.  My mind wandered and resentment overtook me.  How could he not call me when he gave his word to, especially to say a prayer for mom on Yom Kippur eve?  He probably forgot and/or is at my sister's apartment, and just passed over it .  The pleasures of socializing pushed me into the background as so many times before.  I, who through him also am a Cohanan, become robbed of that acknowledgment.  The lineage is once again ignored and food and partying take precedence. 

Then around 9pm he called and sounded tired.  He had walked about ½ mile, just with a cane, not his walker which was more supportive,  to an orthodox synagogue for services. He had just returned and did not have the energy to say the prayer.  He would call tomorrow.   Hmmmm.   I was relieved.  I then faintly recalled he had mentioned this. The resentment subsized.  The circular anger left.  I wondered why, after all these years of self examination, I was still on the edge.  It was almost as if it was a clear test from God.  Even though I seemed to have failed it, it seemed a clear sign, which there seem to be not many, that he was caring for me.

Anyhow, early on Yom Kippur day, around 10, before he went to synagogue, the Cohanan called and recited in Hebrew the prayer and I repeated it surprisingly well phrase by phrase.  The  Hebrew sounds were from the gut, just like Sanskrit, and caused vibrations in the entire body.  I felt a light in my head.  After that dad said mom is still with us and pleased .  I asked him to summarize Yom Kippur briefly and he said one prays for blessings and health for the coming year.

And for the moment all was good.

15.

After my birthday conversation with the Cohanan 

I received two birthday cards from the Cohanan, one with some cash in it, about $200.  Later, on the phone he said I should spend it for something I normally wouldn't.  I thanked him and said its enough to spend on a couple of things I normally wouldn't.  The two cards made it feel as if my remaining family was a little bigger than what is left.  On the cards he wrote that my mom sent her everlasting love.  That also made the family feel bigger.

During our phone call I thanked him for the cards, for including mom in them who had passed away 6  years before, and for the gift.  We talked about a few things.  For one I mentioned I found out more about Cohanans.  As we know it is a title passed from father to son going back to Mose's brother Aaron.  Cohanans are priests who give blessings.  In my research I heard the role of the Cohanan is described in Leviticus.  Now my mom's maiden name was Cohen. 

In the olden days people didn't have last names.  You were David of the parents so and so from the city of so and so.  If a person has Cohen for a last name it most probably means way back when a relative was probably a Cohanan, and the name Cohen honors that connection.  So I told dad this and he listened to some extent.

Then, skipping centuries and miles of subject matter, he said Erica Jong at 75 recently wrote a book and he will send me a review.  He said it will remind me of a certain period of time and back memory.  Her first book, Fear of Flying, sold millions of copies and brought sex to the table, so to speak.  He said I would enjoy reading the review.  Maybe he's right.  It will bring back an era.  It might ring a bell of some sort.  I let him say what he will and listen.  It's a bit surrealistic to say the least.

Now my dad can often disappoint. An uneasiness still exists between us.  He often promises things and doesn't follow through.  It was like this before he was elderly.  But this time the conversation took a special turn.  Towards the end of it he said, “way beneath all the layers that I(me) had a beautiful soul (I think the word was soul).  Then he added he was very proud of me.

True, words have been a little cheap in my family.  Still amidst all the doubts and questions and reaching I've been doing, this was extraordinary to hear and a good birthday present from a man of not that many words.  At this stage if something can be said and has some truth, say it.  Why hold back.  The Cohanan let it out.  It was a blessing from the Cohanan, which is what Cohanan's do.  My insides were warmed.

9. Past

(Obviously this is from some years ago.  The notes are somewhat disjointed but I believe there is value in them on different levels.)




Words from my dad

Lately my parents have been having some problems, physical and emotional.  Sometimes my dad can be reasonable and show wisdom, and other times he is impatient and lashes out.  What he is, he is, but sometimes it is nice to hear his better side, his higher side.

Recently we had a talk on Rosh Hashanah and he was in the mood to talk.  What he said might be a little disjointed, but it all has some value.  He mentioned that in Gestalt psychology you try to see the whole rather than the parts.  Makes good sense.  He then said there are no absolutes accept death.  He continued to say there is nothing worth hanging onto and giving up everything for.  Well, on one level this seems true.  It is a way to adapt and survive and be practical.

He said Christianity is black and white whereas Judaism is multilevel.  This is just his observation and not meant to be a judgment. In my studies of both religions, and plus having been married to a Christian, I found that there is some truth to this on a certain level.  Please don’t take offense Christians.  Elsewhere I delve into this.  Again, these are his observations.

He stated that my mom was fighting for her life, and then said I’m like her.  Hope is important and he hopes I reach fulfillment (both parents favorite term).

Dad added nothing is worth losing everything for, and that it is important to keep things in perspective.  The aim is to be able to “see everything, to be aware of the whole.”  Awareness itself is the key. (At times wish he had been less aware and more animated on my behalf.)

Dad said he tries to set a good example for me.  Then he stated we’ll see what happens in the future.  That’s when my mom blurted out “what future.”

It was mentioned I was from good stock.   I’m not sure if he meant mental or physical (longevity) or spiritual stock.  If I live long though, it would be from some health consciousness, as my genes seem to from my less healthy mom’s side, but he might know something I don’t.

So these were the words from my dad on the 2009.

2.  Past


Experience         

I had a good talk with my dad when I turned 63.  I'm not sure what led
up to it.  He said you still have to experience things, even at his age,
93.  I think the discussion began when I was talking about art and
mentioning at this stage few will be around that I know to see the results of
what I am doing.  It was then that he said ‘even so, we still have to
experience life and continue to live and do what we do.  There is value in
just this.  Even though it is sad others we know won't be around to
appreciate it, we should continue because experience has its own intrinsic
value.’

1.  Past


Dad and I agreed

Dad and I agreed.

We agreed in life,
sometimes unpleasant things
need to be done.

We agreed in life
you are sometimes drawn to do bad.
To see this is  maturity.

We spoke not as father and son
but as two aging people
comparing notes.                                                                     1