16.

The Cohanan, Yom Kippur, Prayer for mom 2015

A few nights before Yom Kippur when speaking to my dad he said he would call me Yom Kippur eve and we would say a prayer for mom and light the Yahrzeit candle at sunset.  Yom Kippur eve rolled around and I did not hear from my dad, at 6, 7, nor 8 pm.  My mind wandered and resentment overtook me.  How could he not call me when he gave his word to, especially to say a prayer for mom on Yom Kippur eve?  He probably forgot and/or is at my sister's apartment, and just passed over it .  The pleasures of socializing pushed me into the background as so many times before.  I, who through him also am a Cohanan, become robbed of that acknowledgment.  The lineage is once again ignored and food and partying take precedence. 

Then around 9pm he called and sounded tired.  He had walked about ½ mile, just with a cane, not his walker which was more supportive,  to an orthodox synagogue for services. He had just returned and did not have the energy to say the prayer.  He would call tomorrow.   Hmmmm.   I was relieved.  I then faintly recalled he had mentioned this. The resentment subsized.  The circular anger left.  I wondered why, after all these years of self examination, I was still on the edge.  It was almost as if it was a clear test from God.  Even though I seemed to have failed it, it seemed a clear sign, which there seem to be not many, that he was caring for me.

Anyhow, early on Yom Kippur day, around 10, before he went to synagogue, the Cohanan called and recited in Hebrew the prayer and I repeated it surprisingly well phrase by phrase.  The  Hebrew sounds were from the gut, just like Sanskrit, and caused vibrations in the entire body.  I felt a light in my head.  After that dad said mom is still with us and pleased .  I asked him to summarize Yom Kippur briefly and he said one prays for blessings and health for the coming year.

And for the moment all was good.

15.

After my birthday conversation with the Cohanan 

I received two birthday cards from the Cohanan, one with some cash in it, about $200.  Later, on the phone he said I should spend it for something I normally wouldn't.  I thanked him and said its enough to spend on a couple of things I normally wouldn't.  The two cards made it feel as if my remaining family was a little bigger than what is left.  On the cards he wrote that my mom sent her everlasting love.  That also made the family feel bigger.

During our phone call I thanked him for the cards, for including mom in them who had passed away 6  years before, and for the gift.  We talked about a few things.  For one I mentioned I found out more about Cohanans.  As we know it is a title passed from father to son going back to Mose's brother Aaron.  Cohanans are priests who give blessings.  In my research I heard the role of the Cohanan is described in Leviticus.  Now my mom's maiden name was Cohen. 

In the olden days people didn't have last names.  You were David of the parents so and so from the city of so and so.  If a person has Cohen for a last name it most probably means way back when a relative was probably a Cohanan, and the name Cohen honors that connection.  So I told dad this and he listened to some extent.

Then, skipping centuries and miles of subject matter, he said Erica Jong at 75 recently wrote a book and he will send me a review.  He said it will remind me of a certain period of time and back memory.  Her first book, Fear of Flying, sold millions of copies and brought sex to the table, so to speak.  He said I would enjoy reading the review.  Maybe he's right.  It will bring back an era.  It might ring a bell of some sort.  I let him say what he will and listen.  It's a bit surrealistic to say the least.

Now my dad can often disappoint. An uneasiness still exists between us.  He often promises things and doesn't follow through.  It was like this before he was elderly.  But this time the conversation took a special turn.  Towards the end of it he said, “way beneath all the layers that I(me) had a beautiful soul (I think the word was soul).  Then he added he was very proud of me.

True, words have been a little cheap in my family.  Still amidst all the doubts and questions and reaching I've been doing, this was extraordinary to hear and a good birthday present from a man of not that many words.  At this stage if something can be said and has some truth, say it.  Why hold back.  The Cohanan let it out.  It was a blessing from the Cohanan, which is what Cohanan's do.  My insides were warmed.