62.  Past

Principles

Learning

Real learning   

Real learning takes place by leaps.  It comes from a yearning of the
spirit towards that from which it came.  It is our life force being drawn
by this yearning through time and experience and along this path recognizing
what it needs to know. Learning without being attached to this process eventually becomes lifeless and dry.

61.  Past


Principle

Man/woman

No easy resolution

It’s become very difficult to process anything anymore.  It is even hard
to know whether to be with a woman.  To be with a woman can add a sense of
security and stability.  True.  On the other hand, it is very hard to
live with anyone these days.  It is also very hard to live alone.  The
chores alone require more than one person.  There is no easy resolution to
this.

60.  Past


Principles

Living and life

Whoever thought.....

Whoever thought
that just when I am more fragile than ever
I have to be tougher than ever?

59.  Past

Spiritual

Relating

Has to be very special

If you’ve ever felt a quiet presence, or hear a noiseless voice, or speak
silently to an above, what you’ve experienced is special.  Although many
crazies say they do this, I believe it can be truthful and perhaps in this life,
is as far as one can go.

As life goes on however, these special experiences become difficult. 
The errors of your life accumulate, along with the heartache, along with the
weight and gravity of simply living.  It’s all a lot to stomach.  Even
if you have related to the above, when you observe all these things happen, it
is discouraging.  You most likely thought life would become better because
of this unique relating, but life takes its course, relating to the maker or
not.  Even so, and even if not apparent, in some undefinable way this
silent connection, if coming from the right place, has to be very special.

58.

Spiritual

Relating


'Good morning' not always

The deceased Norman Mailer once referred to ‘the dread’ he had when
waking up.  How true sometimes.  As you age it’s harder to ignore this.
You can try meditation, or medication, positive thinking, exercise,
getting busy with chores, talk shows or news or just push it aside and do
nothing.  All these have a place and work for a time but also can be band
aids.  You might try not running and facing the pain and dread. 
Surprisingly if you don’t run and are able to stay still a light might break
through and lift you up.  This works for a time and is good.  At some
point I wanted communication with the source of this light, the maker, which of
course is my bias.  I required clarification of an issue and some
answer.  We are meant to dig, to try, to seek.

The clarification puts a problem into understandable terms.  It is
where one is at.  The communication with ‘an above’ refocuses one and puts
the issue in a context that one can understand and be comfortable in.  For
instance, in my art my ability to see values is sometimes off and affects all my
drawings.  Faulty lighting and flaws not fully ironed out are possible
causes.  This has always been with me and still is.  One morning
feeling the pain of this and of seeing it clearly outlined I opened myself up to
certain words and heard “Steve, as a child your development artistically was a
potpourri.  To develop evenly and fully in the environment you were in is
asking too much.  The teachers you sporadically had allowed you to do art
but also fragmented you.  This was your art as it was.  It was your
‘mix.’   Accept it. Today, don’t insist too much. The drawings fit
into a larger whole, a larger context. They are not always pretty but they serve
a purpose.  You’re getting closure and personal questions answered, and for
others too.  It is a good thing.”

Just upon hearing this I relaxed.  Each issue springs to the
surface in time and there are answers that get us back on track.  Wishful
thinking perhaps?  One person’s delusions perhaps?  But also perhaps
the real deal.  This is the time to test, explore and find out.  This
is one approach to try.  As said "it's a good thing."

56.  Past

Truth

Losing their power      

All  the secretive disciplines and societies are revealing their secrets today.  The Masons were on television with their secretive rituals discussed. The ancient martial arts are all
over the place like canned soup.  Ancient mysteries are being opened up, and revealed, as are ancient religions.  We are also seeing all their disparities. Their cobwebs are being exposed to the light.  Some of the societies and disciplines are doing it willingly.  Why?  Perhaps because the truth has begun to allude them and pass them by.  They are no longer where it is to be found, and as with jealous siblings, they jump up and down and
parade themselves wanting to regain their foothold as supposed guardians of the truth.

55.

Parents

Mom/dad

Where's Milton?

A photograph of my dad taken on my trip to New York shows him having gained weight, up to 153 lbs from as low as 132 lbs when taking care of my dying mom over two years ago.  He looks somewhat fit for 95. At first times were difficult for him, but recently he takes some yoga and a strengthening class at the Stein Senior Center and walks to and from doing his chores.  Other than my sister checking in a couple of times a week he lives on his own.

From my perspective my dad wasn't always the best dad, wasn't always there for me and things weren't always smooth in his life.  He could be nice and not so nice, kind of passive aggressive as they say, sometimes for others to see, more often for my eyes only.

As said, it wasn't a smooth family life we had.  There were more than a few rough
spots.  What's interesting is this.  In the photograph, aside from looking somewhat vital, his face shows acceptance, peace and emanates love.  It is reassuring to look at.  In the Jewish religion there's a tradition since the time of Moses where a certain segment of men were Cohanan's, and this means they gave the blessings to others.  It is passed down verbally from father to son.  Looking at his face it does feel as if one is blessed somehow.  He hasn't kept up with his friends he knew with my mom. Instead, like the wandering wise men of India, he befriends who he interacts with.  Upon picking up something from the Chinese Laundromat where we both previously dropped something off, the young attractive lady owner said to me "where's Milton."  The "Milton" had a ring to it with love in her voice.  People respond to my dad well. 

My dad also sent me a photograph of himself and my mom about a month before her passing.  He was shrunken then, a stressed and sometimes short tempered 132 lbs.  Still, one can see a sweetness in his face as he faced what was overwhelming.  

So what led to this enlightened face?  Was it 67 years of bickering with my mom?  Was it
indecisiveness and inconsistency?  My dad rarely mentions a God, but talks  of nature and says he feels my mom's presence.  A warning to all you  spiritual seekers.  Let his face be an example.  Attitude adjustment, positive thinking seminars, reading wisdom books, traditional or current, meditations, righteousness, reading Lao Tsu,  or your I Ching, or recent tapping therapies, nothing, no nothing will do as good a job as time.  Only time and a spark of the divine (the latter being my bias) will smooth out the wrinkles and make you/me a blessing to those around us. 

Dad with mom a month before her passing.
Dad looked sweet, so did mom.

54.  Past

Principles

Friends and Acquaintances

The big, little, and middle picture

My friend Ruth gets the big picture and the little picture.  The big
picture is that there is a maker.  The little picture is the world is not
to be taken too seriously.  Few religious leaders, writers, men of insight,
spiritual teachers get it as clearly.  She does.

Between the big and little picture is the middle.  It is here that she
is off and pays for it.  She hasn't dealt with certain issues in her life
and is in denial over them. She avoids any conflict that confronting them might
engender. Instead she stays busy and runs from them.  She is a good friend,
does a lot of this and that, but much of it is running from basic issues she
hasn't faced.  She has a monthly check list with activities and dinners and
needy friends and games and so on.  She sees different people for “catch
up” every six weeks or so.  Who knows, even though she walks five miles a
day, a recent terminal illness might have stemmed from her not dealing with
things.  She is living her life on wrong premises.  These “friends”
don't help her out in life when she is ill, or when she needs to go to the
doctor.  They are present sometimes, but disappoint her other times. 
She is just wired into who she is and seems incapable of change.  Many of
her premises in life seem wrong.  Yet, I think she is cute and I will miss
her when she is gone.

Ruth gets the big and little picture. It is also easy to see where she is off
with her illusions.  What is scary is that we all might be off in some
way.  And all our premises might be off.  We all might be ineffective
in changing them.  We all might have to pay for this, even if we get the
big and little picture.

53.

Personal

Getting ugly

A ‘friend’ visited my apartment and complained of a rusty type smell and
later when invited for a dinner made an excuse not to come.  The smell was
due to cardboard boxes containing books, ceramics, pottery, other
‘chochiks’  that belonged to my mom taken out of storage waiting to be
sorted.  Normally I would let this pass but this time I felt violated and
judged.  I retorted by insulting the person and saying ugly things.  I
had taken the low road.  Still, I allowed myself to do so.  My insides
were stirred and this was an outlet.  It felt alive and even though wrong,
I was energized.

Why this way I asked later?  It seemed the easiest way to go. 
Suppressing the outrage took just as much work as not.  Perhaps, as a
participant in this life, it was my turn to play the brat, the bad cop, the
stopper.  Usually one says they will get theirs and moves on.  Not
this time.   This time I was the chosen one, the low one. What about
being an emissary of peace?  What about being light and flowing?  What
about silence and patience?  Not this time, not this time.  I am not
above any behavior.

Perhaps there is some therapeutic value in this, reliving the past and able
this time to speak up.  Perhaps all the childhood nonsense has to be
regurgitated and purged, only this time around in the safety zone of knowing an
above. Perhaps, my ‘tit’ for their ‘tat’ is just an old CD that has to wear out
to make room for an intelligent silence.

Oh this life, this everything, again I am amazed and humbled by it all.