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Vulnerable single men

2/5/2015

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278.  Past


Principles


Men/women

Vulnerable single men  
(Not much is written on this group, the single, aging, not rich man.)

Single aging men are vulnerable.  There was a man, John, who used the community pool.  He walked back and forth as many of the older men did, waving his hands, expounding on any subject brought up.  He was erudite and well educated.  Eventually he lost a lot of money invested in Sun Microsoft during the time its shares nosedived from over 100 to a single digit.  He managed on, kept a good face, but essentially was depressed and had no family or back up.  Neighbors offered him advice, to socialize, to get some sun when he became reclusive, but really what he needed was not advice, but someone to give him $10,000 to repair his teeth.

A year or so later they found John deceased in his apartment from natural causes.  He had a decent body and used to walk, but he let himself deteriorate over time.  He once half-jokingly said to me “will you take care of me when I’m really old?”  He also asked me if I took antidepressants, as if everyone did.  Other men, with ½ his good genetics, last a lot longer when they are in a family setting.  John wasn’t and aging single men who are not comfortable usually don’t do well these days.

Another decent looking man I knew was a professor in Syracuse, NY.  I’m not sure if he was retired or not.  We were in the pool together and a few young pretty women were visiting and he flirted with them, as they did with him in a harmless way.  He had a playful look in his eyes.  A year later I saw him and he seemed to have deteriorated.  He wasn’t sure whether to sell his condominium or not as I recall.  For that matter he wasn’t sure what to do about anything.  I also recall him saying he had a sister, but she was far away and there was contention there. Then I didn’t hear from him or see him, and found out third hand that he had died.  He was not that old, and originally looked in good enough health.  But he had died.  Again, aging single men don’t  always do well.  



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Ruth said she's sad

2/5/2015

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277.  Past


Ruth said she's sad

(Memory sketch of hanging out with old friend Ruth years ago)
Picture
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Sadness overcame Ruth

2/5/2015

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276.  Past


Vignettes



Sadness overcame Ruth
(This occurred a number of years ago.)

As I sometimes do, I met my walking friend midway along the path and we walked back to her apartment.  She showered, I made myself a little breakfast and protein drink and sat on her fold out chair and relaxed amid comfortable surroundings.  Ruth sat nearby on the couch and blurted out “you know I’ve been in this apartment for 3 1/2 years.”  (She had moved from Oceanside, Long Island to Florida permanently after her husband died.)  I was looking at the papers. Things were quiet. Suddenly Ruth sat up and said she had just been crying.  She said she felt sad.  I asked her if it was anything in particular.  She answered, “No, just sadness overcame me.”

Sometimes life is sad.  We move, people pass, things become no more.  Sadness is awareness of time passing.  It’s not necessarily bad though.  We shouldn’t run from these feelings or cover them up with busyness.  Sadness can connect us with the bigger picture.  Somehow the more we can encompass in our being, without falling apart, the richer and deeper we become.  Being sad can be a brave thing.

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Like a Zen Koan

2/5/2015

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276.  Principles

Law of contradiction


Like a Zen Koan 


My life has, in many aspects, turned into a Zen Koan.  A Zen Koan is a question for which one wrestles for a solution to which there is no answer.  In a stalemate of contradicting forces, one's  mind is almost short circuited and becomes 'mindless.'   The thinking is that when your mind is taken out of the equation other higher realms can fill the void, at least for a moment.

When I was young sometimes I would use aids in making art.  Sometimes results were impressive.  These aids were part of the environment and I didn't think twice about doing so.  Later, different instructors I had looked down upon such usage and convinced me to do the same.  A real, basic foundation was sought even if it thwarted or changed me.  At times I look back and wonder if this was a mistake. However, I held this purist position for decades, even if my work didn't fully reflect it.

Recently I ran across an artist who creates trompe d'oeil paintings that are impressive in their polish and finish.  I can tell however that he uses aids in his process.  Upon listening to an interview with him, he keeps this no secret, and even touts it as a viable tool.  What is interesting is that he agrees with the purists when it comes to foundation building.  During schooling he thinks no aids should be used.  Only after rigorous training do they remain an option.  He recognizes most artists who use such aids haven't had such a background.

At first I resisted what he said but realized my loyalty to the purist camp hasn't always been appreciated nor given results.  It is something I just followed in the name of a higher principle.  Perhaps it limited my scope.  It's possible I stood right inbetween; on one hand seeing the validity of not using aids but on the other hand not fully masterful enough to do what I wanted to without them.  The make up of how things come about can be too complicated to fit into a simple purist camp.  Ideology, which I have a leaning towards, while good on paper, can often disappoint.  It can be man simplifying existence into components he is able understand, but it is not often the full truth.  The full truth is more mysterious than that.

And so, another quandary was revisited, almost similar to one I had around 21 that felt devastating.  However, this time around, maybe through weariness, I accepted it and didn't fight back.  Something might be understood about it down the road.  Indeed, part of me even wondered how this artist incorporated the aids into trompe d'oeil painting.  Curiosity is a good sign, a sign of life.  Even if one has to remain on a fence not sure which side to jump onto, a precarious position at best, this too can be accepted.  At the very least life goes on.  At the most such helplessness makes effort and pushing forward extraneous.  As with a Zen Koan, one is forced into a higher realm to find  rest in, however briefly.

Perhaps many are facing today these Zen Koans that lead to perplexity. Our core issues become a metaphysical puzzle that we can't answer.  We can no longer strive to solve and judge our own dilemmas.  Rather we are kicked into a higher plane and only that perspective makes it possible to live with ourselves. In a sense we enter a place of peace because it's the only option left.





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Personal poem

2/5/2015

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274.  Past

Personal


Personal poem


Is God disciplining me now
  with lessons to be learned
or is this just my tough luck
  and how life goes?

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Where we are

2/4/2015

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273.

Principles

Truth


Where we are 

We can't know the full truth against pure light.  Our truth would all look muddy.  So while wanting truth is a need too much truth would imbalance us.  The space between the truth and our muddiness is where we are.  It's called life.


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    Steven B. Nussdorf records his lifelong search to find meaning outside of the normal channels.  He  uses writing, poetry, and drawing to document this effort.

    Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.

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