I have a feeling, or a theory, that certain peoples' lives end when contradictions in their thinking and actions can no longer coexist. When my mom was ill, she needed real guidance and real attention for her emotional needs. My father handled her practical concerns i.e. going to doctors and buying food and such, but had little energy or inclination to really talk to her on any deeper level concerning the root causes of her illnesses. He was doing the best he could but his depth of inquiry was limited. Hence, her survival needs were being met but she was more than a bunch of symptoms. Her body begged to be treated in a non clinical way and nourished and supported to build her up, not just maintain her. Mentally she needed to reach some peace too. Same with her spirit. Instead, what she received was dry and sterile. Everybody did the best they can do, but they really didn't dig deep enough. Doctors' self images and standings within the system were not to be risked.
Now my dad was exhausted and mom needed him to do the chores to keep their lives on track and fulfill mom's medical needs, but there was limited dialogue between them. She was trapped. Their was no room for growth, no opening. There was some compensation for me. We often spoke on the phone and our talks had weight. But this was not enough to change the dynamics, the inevitable for her. The elements to transform herself were not present. Dad could not provide this. Basic needs were all that could be met. I too bear some responsibility as I was not present and was not there for the day to day work. So the status quo continued and my mom's eventual passing was the result. She was caught in a no win situation and sickness and death were the only way out.
Recently I had some issues I couldn't resolve. They were philosophical in nature with tentacles reaching into health, money and quality of life. I felt I had reached the apex of my understanding and it was beyond my abilities to solve these dilemmas. I knew from the principle I've discussed this couldn't last forever. I had given whatever I could to bring unity of thought and practice to my life, but harmony still was not there. As such, although improbable, I too had to prepare for a possible ending. This is not being morbid or negative, but just real and trying to consider all things. I had to bring closure to what I could and clean up loose ends. I'm reminded of a John Wayne movie where he came to a town and put down money to cover his funeral expenses, just in case. Later, he found that he had cancer and he chose to end his life in a gun fight. I think that's the way it went. He took care of his passing while fighting some bad guys and inflicting justice.
It was time to begin my preparation. This meant drawings would have to be organized, writings and books labeled and stored, my past categorized, a home found for everything, and miscellaneous items sifted and dispersed. Files had to be gone through and closets cleaned. Computer memory had to be reviewed and flash drives used to record choice writings and pics. Dishes, ceramics, pottery and books needed distribution. One thing led to another, but this was the price of cleaning up. Some ragged edges would remain I knew but the substance of my life would hopefully find a home.
Then a few negative signals I received surprised me. Valuable silverware did not sell on eBay. Neither did a vintage sewing machine. Old valuable furniture, glassware, small ceramic sculpture I thought would be of interest weren't. In Florida the elderly left behind tons of items and they were not as precious as I thought. The effort seemed barely worth the time. Cleaning up belongings was not going cleanly.
Then a project I was working on for my mom's memory, a book of her writings on Hollywood stars, was dragging on. It looked like it was being finished and nearing closure, but there were delays. The outcome was not fully in my control. Closure was not easily closing.
On the other hand some auspicious occurrences took place that hinted of a future to come. Financially my gold and silver started to go upwards Three teeth that were removed, one a root canal, started to heal and maybe had a positive affect on my sinuses. An ebb and flow developed with some people I knew. They were calling me and some pleasant activities ensued. Just being another part of a group for a few activities relieved some pressure and made me less important to myself.
Most importantly a vision, an idea, a purpose that had become damaged started to reform itself. Previously I had faith in a spiritual all encompassing project I was inching towards. It was to open a door to a new understanding, at least for some. It contained hope and truth as I saw it. However, an outline I had developed led to a dead end. Something was missing and I couldn't take it to the next step. Was I trying too hard? Self doubts followed. Was I off? Was I out of place? Was my thinking wrong?
I then had a seemingly unrelated recollection. I had heard of an American who moved to Israel and was poor there but happy. A study had rated countries according to happiness, and Israel ranked highly, even though many Israelis were poor. This was surprising. When hearing this I felt I would be willing to give up all my dreams for some simple happiness, even if it meant being poor. My thoughts were leading me into quicksand.
Thankfully, thankfully the tides turned. I spoke to an old friend about my direction and my recent doubts. I voiced my original simple intentions and my friend sounded supportive. The original message rang true for them too. This was confirmation. My heart lifted. Although I had gone through a deep valley of doubts and delays, the purpose came back. Somehow, mysteriously, my acceptance of the entire situation had broadened. Somehow I could pursue the direction I had taken and perhaps even some strength had been gained. My purpose had been restored. Thank God. Didn't take much to restore me. Just a few words from an old friend and a gap was filled.
In summary, cleaning up practicalities on smaller items had not progressed. Preparation for a worse case scenario was not flowing, hinting maybe my emphasis was off and it wasn't time after all. Secondly, my purpose had been renewed with some new hope and life. The door to my life had not been closed. It looked as if I would still be around for a while.