521.

Belief

Once again proof was needed

Once again I sought answers from others.  There was a certain incompleteness I felt within, a configuration I could not solve.  Whoever I spoke to could just give so much.  Experience taught me not to push, not to expect, not to ask if it wasn't offered.  What do you do?  Living just within yourself and being fully self-contained did not work either.  That is why you sought people in the first place. This was a scenario that seemed new but wasn't.

I needed someone who knew me better than I knew myself.  Who could this be?  No one I knew.  No wise person from the past.  No words from a sage written centuries ago would satisfy.  Who then?  I needed something bigger than myself, something larger in breath and depth.  I needed someone from another dimension.  Why stop there though?  Why not go to whomever is in charge of this dimension, of all dimensions?    Why not go to the biggest of big, to what is all encompassing?  Why not go to a God, or the God?  That's what was needed.  If there was no God, I would invent him because I needed him.  If I'm going to live in an illusion, might as well go for the biggest one.

Then I recalled I do believe in an almighty, in a god.  I recalled all the roads I took and traveled to find this out.  I remembered I had been seeking for many years and seemed to have a relationship with the above.  Of course I could not demonstrate this.  Of course I could be wrong.  However, once again, lost in space and suspended in a void and having no memory from the past, step by step I seemed to be led, in a particularly unique way (they always are) to rediscover something from nothing, somewhere from nowhere, and God from no God.

The process was a personal one that worked on me internally and brought me from chaos to knowledge.  Of course I could not prove this, but something was proven to me from within.  Each time it's as if I started from scratch and had to rebuild this proof.  Each time this proof varies and lasts for five minutes or five  days or five weeks. Each time in a different way I am reconnected with what I am meant to know and each time I forget.

500.  Past

Principles

Thinking

Age challenges what you think

I have a neighbor Carol, who has done a little bit of this and that to earn a living. She had been married three times.  Besides being a realtor, she did motivational speeches using visualizations, positive thinking, and techniques about maintaining a good attitude.  Sometimes she visited Israel, where one of children became orthodox and moved there. She prides herself on going with the flow and being economically astute.

A few years ago, before the economic downturn, Carol’s world was beginning to crack.  She was overweight, hurt her knee badly and she couldn’t rent out her apartment easily.  Her orthodox children were difficult and demanding.  Motivational speaking was drying up, and she, tired of being alone, went on a dating site to meet and give men “winks.”  After some time having not seen her, I saw of her walking with a cane and looking thin.

One night, early in our acquaintance, she invited me for dinner after I picked her up from the airport (always something for something with Carol).  We did some catch up and talked about different things. She said motivational speaking engagements were hard to get.  I could see it was hard for her to be positive all the time.  Simply put, here she was teaching positive thinking, visualizations and affirmations and in her own life doing so wasn’t working out and she had doubts and was quizzical.

As I do sometimes I drew from my own experience and said, “Once you get past a certain age any take and approach you have on life gets seriously challenged.”

Her face looked relieved and at peace when she answered, “you’re so right

406.  Past

Spiritual

Relating to God

Monday with no computer

One Monday morning I found myself with no computer.  It had a virus.  Who knows how it would turn out?  I felt no presence from the above, or nourishment or relief.  I was full of resentment and fear.  Bigger doubts plagued me;  aging, the future, and no back up from family.  And, after all these years, I was disappointed in my inability to overcome them.  I can't even leave society, or pull away from the city.  That doesn't work.  Also didn’t see a way to disentangle myself. I didn’t see a way or a way to get out.  God couldn’t answer me.  The answer would be too coarse.

Finally I brought myself to meditate.  I said I needed God to find way out.  I can't do it.  Don't know how.  Just don't know way out from all these traps and dilemmas.  Am I meant to just sit here and fade in my own traps?

36.  Past

Spirit

Belief and Doubt
 
I believe there is a maker but I doubt it all the time.  Most ways of believing are of man’s making.  It is hard to know if it is from you and from deep inside, or if it is just something you heard, learned, adopted or absorbed and therefore second hand. How does one really test this belief?  One way is to distance oneself from it,  and if the need returns, and a higher dimension enters your mind and consciousness, it’s a sign there really is an above. After going in other directions you are pulled back to an above.  This is a reaffirming sign.  Still even this can be deceptive.   It might just be your need for a crutch.  So you have to continue  testing.

At the same time part of you can’t always test.  You have to act as if there is a maker, even if you are not fully sure. One can act as if ‘there is’ and at the same time have doubts that ‘there is.’  It is possible to live in two worlds at once, belief and doubt, which is also a sign in and of itself.  You can also act as if there isn't and see if you are pulled back to there is.  And your quest goes  on.


 

34. Present

Vignettes

Funeral

Sharon, a local artist of some renown, said to me, "you know what it's like.  I'm afraid for when it happens to me."  Well, it did happen this past Sunday and that Tuesday I went to her father's funeral in Florida.  My mother has passed on about 2 1/2 years ago.  Having a
routine in my life has been hard fought for, and breaking that routine, even for a funeral, is one more adjustment. I was asked to transport Helen, a lady in her 80's, originally from Poland, who had worked at Sharon’s father's blouse factory in Brooklyn for 15 years. Helen
did not receive my help at first graciously.  I had to sell myself, and that wasn’t easy because the air conditioner in my car was not working.  Still, her reserve and suspicion was a taste of the old world.

On the funeral grounds I went to ask a manager for directions and he misdirected  us.  Later, he recognized his error and found Helen and I at the wrong funeral and redirected us.  We barely made it.  At the services it was hot and muggy and I felt a bit awkward. 
I was surprised to see a lady rabbi.  She ended up giving a very appropriate service; quoting David's psalm 23, singing sadly but pleasantly, and kept a nice pace. All around indifferent workmen went about their business so this wasn't easy.  This was a mausoleum burial
and we were outside. The older people sat in the middle on chairs, the rest of us stood on the sides.  I still felt some resistance, selfishly cautious about becoming too absorbed by the experience.
 
Sharon then spoke and, performer that she is, animatedly thanked each person for being there, recognizing their sacrifice of time and spoke of each person’s relationship to her father. 
Those that made it there had a special place in her heart and she wouldn't forget it. Nice. This, plus a slight rear breeze helped me relax into the moment. Suddenly,  my insides started churning, not necessarily in a bad way.  I became  conscious of death and how everything I did, we all did, seem so irrelevant.  I then looked at the older people sitting on the chairs and their frailty and I felt fearful of becoming like them.  Then Sharon said her father would be in "heaven," a word I would not expect from her.  She wasn't religious at all.  Upon hearing this something connected in me. I felt close to the death realm, and saw its immensity and expanse and  saw how minute life itself actually was.  It was just one stop on the AA train headed uptown. How could we not live and be conscious of this more? It's almost like we're in a daze.  Later I ran into Linda, a local Delray Beach lady active in the arts, local affairs, politics, business, her kids' meanderings, and said we should be closer to this other realm and more removed from everything else. The funeral made this clear. She agreed mightily and then told me she liked a new project I had been working on.  Nice to hear.
 
After giving Helen a lift home we parted with good vibes.  She had said she enjoyed meeting me. I then drove to Sharon's place where there were people and food. At first communication was forced and awkward, and I impatiently corrected Sharon's 89 year old mother for taking bites out of food and putting it back on the common table.  She said she didn't know what she was doing. Gradually, the men and women, who, for the most part were neat and looked well, began, at least from my perspective, to blend together in a sea of acceptance.  Who were we, after all, in comparison to this thing called "death?"  We were all humbled and small and hence gentle with one another.  We all had this life in common at this particular unique time amidst the vastness of everything.  Ah, this event felt normal and everything else seemed strange.  Why not huddle when we can?  
 
I finally felt relaxed with myself and some people were comfortable around me because of this.  My worries over the future, fears and doubts, mellowed out.  Death reaffirmed life and was not closure but an opening to what is more, to what is needed.  The path forward is to look in this direction, and skip hop from hope to faith to wonder and repeat this, bringing our entire selves along including fear and doubt, even if they have to be dragged kicking and screaming.